Unmasking Perfectionism in Our Relationships
From Floating Ducks to Finding Depth
In the bustling, diverse world of relationships, many couples find themselves striving for a semblance of perfection, embodying the calm and composed duck gliding on the water's surface while concealing the frantic paddling underneath.
This phenomenon, known as "Floating Duck Syndrome," encapsulates the hidden struggles that lie beneath seemingly perfect relationships.
I hear people say all the time, “Why can’t my relationship be like…” and the opposite of, “My guess is they also have problems, don’t all relationships?”
Funny we are all guessing what other people are struggling with, could it be because we mask, pretend, and don’t talk about it?
Originating from Stanford University, the term "Floating Duck Syndrome" was coined to describe high-achieving students who, on the surface, seemed unphased by their challenges. This analogy extends seamlessly into the realm of relationships, where couples often mask their difficulties to present a veneer of calm and stability.
This week we will shed light on three significant topics around Floating Duck Syndrome in relationships.
Firstly, the tendency for couples to delay seeking help, often waiting an average of seven years, which compounds the difficulties in finding resolutions.
Additionally, younger couples hesitate to confront issues early on, mistakenly viewing the acknowledgment of problems as a sign of weakness or incompatibility.
Finally, the fear of scrutiny and the stigma surrounding relationship troubles reveal the societal pressures that contribute to the continued silence and suffering of couples.
Why do couples wait so long to seek help with their relationships?
Upon first being in relationships we spend much of the day talking to our person, getting to know them, focusing on the newness and the flowing feel-good neurochemistry. As time progresses and we get down to the business of being in a relationship we spend less time together, talk less, focus less on romance, and more on day-to-day tasks.
We may have introduced children, family of origin dynamics, careers, and many other complicated factors. However, we don’t seek support for how to cope with any of these new and emerging topics and continue to plow forward whether the current strategies are working or not. Often hoping things will get better when; there is less stress, fewer kids, more money, a bigger house, etc.
I love that we are optimistic and hopeful that things will change but what we see is a lot of masking, pretending, and yep, paddling furiously under the surface like a desperate floating duck.
Admitting we don’t know what is happening in relationships, how to have a healthy relationship, or how to solve relationship problems is scary.
We have a belief that being in relationships is natural and we should just know how. It is incredibly vulnerable and scary to accept we need help and then seek it out.
There continues to be a stigma around needing counseling or attending counseling as only ‘crazy, broken, or dysfunctional’ people do that. So, we suffer for an average of 7 years trying our hardest and hoping for the best before seeking support.
I become so excited when a younger couple comes into my office for support either prior to marriage or right after. I praise them for being the smart ones who embrace vulnerability and will save themselves so much stress and heartache from conflicts that perpetuate and pile up.
I am not saying all relationships are bad. I am saying we all need support, education, and skills for healthy conflict and compromise in relationships.
I hear a lot of comments fearing the need for support early on because they are afraid this means they need to break up, made a mistake in their choice of partner, and fear repeating past relationship mistakes.
Conflict is so normal, and we only know how to cope with conflict and relationships based on what we saw with our own family or maybe incorporating some new learning we may have done.
Even with education and a healthy family model, we are adding adult attachment which needs to be figured out and managed in the new relationship.
Some level of support, no matter how early on in the relationship creates a smooth pathway for all future interactions and starts with good habits instead of deconstructing negative ones and then rebuilding.
At our core we need connection and to be part of the village.
Our very survival historically depended on working for food, shelter, clothing, and protection from the entire village, and being kicked out meant death. So, it makes sense that divorce, separation, and the loss of our partner would hit us deeply and be feared.
The part of our brain that registers and processes physical pain is the same one that processes emotional pain, so of course we want to avoid pain and hurting. Those core reasons make sense for staying in a relationship with unhelpful conflict management however, we don’t consider the pain and anguish that come along with being unhappy for 50 years of a difficult relationship and the damage it does to those around us.
I know there is a lot of fear around being too broken to get help or the thought that there is too much work needed to heal the relationship so continuing to paddle and avoid what is really happening becomes the easiest solution.
The real answer to marital strife is initiating brave and vulnerable conversations, recognizing and normalizing the universality of relationship struggles, and seeking professional support.
By facing these challenges head-on, couples can navigate their relationships with more authenticity and resilience.
My challenge is for couples to engage in reflective practices and embrace the inherent imperfections of relationships.
By acknowledging the realities beneath the surface, couples can foster deeper connections and mutual understanding with one another and with those in their communities.
It is so important for all of us to dismantle the façade of perfection, and I encourage all couples to seek the support and resources necessary to thrive together, not just survive.
Good luck with letting go of the floating duck 😉
-Penney