Should You Go to Bed Angry?
Two conflicting sides to the age-old adage.. “never go to bed angry”.
My earliest recollection of the saying, ‘Never go to bed angry,’ came from a Cosby Show episode when I was a teenager. I definitely took the saying to heart and have spent many sleepless nights trying to hash out a conflict with my partner in an attempt to follow this advice. I am no longer a subscriber to this belief and have noticed a great amount of damage coming from the need to keep a conflict going long past the point of emotional and physical exhaustion. Science does provide support for not holding on to anger while asleep while researching relationships and what we know about the nervous system supports not needing to resolve conflict in the moment and allowing sleep to happen. Let’s talk about the pros and cons of these two opposing ideas.
A 2016 study demonstrated that going to sleep while angry causes emotion to become more entrenched. Our brains ruminate and process emotions and memories from our day sorting through and processing them. Upon going to sleep angry our brain processes it differently than during waking hours creating a more entrenched emotion we are likely to hold onto and find it more difficult to resolve. Going to sleep angry also makes falling asleep more difficult as you ruminate on the issue, situation, and emotion. Once you fall asleep you will experience more restless sleep and an increased risk of nightmares. No wonder we want to avoid going to sleep while we are angry!
Hashing out an argument regardless of how long it takes comes with its own risks. The first and most obvious is you are tired, and we cope, process, and communicate ineffectively when we are tired. Regulating our emotions is important during conversations, especially during conflicts. We do not have the same bandwidth to regulate emotions when we are tired as we do when feeling refreshed. Making a plan to come back to the conflict when both people are refreshed can create a much different outcome with an easier path.
One way to combine these opposing points is to move into a place of calm and set a time when you can return to the discussion when both partners feel more rested and mentally prepared. Take a minute to breathe and take time out from the conflict. This will be done more effectively before emotions are high and you have less ability to think and regulate emotions. Once you are able to communicate and place the argument on hold take a minute to make some appreciation statements. I would recommend 2 things you appreciate about your partner in general and 2 things sexually you appreciate about your partner. One partner speaks the appreciations and the listener’s job is just to mirror back what is said. Once the speaker has finished then switch roles. This activity takes us from being in the fight, flight, and freezing space in our brain to the pre-frontal cortex where we can connect with our partner and find a place of calm. The second step is to plan a time to return to the discussion the next day. Be very specific with the plan regarding when, where, and how you are going to approach the conversation.
You get to choose what is best for you and your relationship. My suggestion would be to find connection and peace prior to sleep and then come back to the argument when a conversation can be productive. Remember changing habits is difficult so if you are a couple used to hashing it out this might be a difficult change, if you are a couple where you tend to go to bed and ignore it then coming back may be a difficult change. Conflicts need to be resolved in both partners being heard so they do not build up. Have a conversation and make a plan together for how you will resolve this when or if it comes up in the future, do not wait until there is conflict to have a plan.
Best wishes Penney