How to Keep Relationship Satisfaction After the Birth of a Child?
Parenting more than what you planned for?
A Pew study released in January of 2023 reported 62% of parents found being a parent more difficult than they expected with 29% finding it a lot harder than they expected. That is 91% of parents who find the role of parenting to be more than they planned for. No wonder relationship satisfaction also decreases after the birth of a child. I think back to when I had my first baby and the moments of feeling emotionally overwhelmed and mentally confused while being physically exhausted, and I wonder how I made it through. The Pew study identified moms as feeling more of the burden from parenting and noted having more demands on themselves than their partners. We can possibly blame our childhoods on this statistic as we model what we saw as a child in our new families. So, if the burden of caring for babies in your home was one parent’s job, we are likely to repeat this pattern, placing more strain on one parent alone. Research shows within 3 years after the birth of a child 2/3 of parents will experience a decrease in satisfaction and an increase in conflict within their relationship. Given the feeling of surprise and overwhelm experienced by new parents this is not a surprising statistic.
Despite all the statistics and the struggle around being parents many still chose to be one. So, how do we combat the statistics and make changes to the negative aspects of becoming new parents?
The Gottman Institute has conducted research on strategies to improve relationships after bringing home a baby and skills you can utilize to increase communication and connection between the entire family. One of the skills is evaluating and honoring our parents and caregivers as we create our own family. This includes telling the stories about how tasks were divided in our families of origins and parts we want to keep from those stories and what we want to change moving forward as a couple. For example, “In my house, dads did not do diapers,” is this a narrative we want for our family, or do we want to change around this?
The skill focuses on being mindful and thoughtful ahead of time regarding parenting decisions we will run into later. When practicing this skill, remember the knowledge we now have around attachment, brain development, co-regulation, how to raise emotionally healthy kids, and how different the world is from the one you grew up in. For example, screen time is a hot topic of conversation. It was a topic of conversation when I was raising my children and I had strong opinions, however, is it unlikely I was going to carry a large television around with me in the car. Now we carry the ability for screens everywhere. How will this be approached as a couple, what do each of you believe, and what stories do you have about this issue?
These conversations can be highly charged and create conflict within the relationship. Research shows the first 3 minutes of a conversation predict the course and outcome. Often couples get gridlocked on such issues or avoid them altogether creating more distance and dissatisfaction in the relationship. We continue the patterns instead of choosing to gain the skills needed to resolve the issue.
Gaining the skills to have difficult conversations around parenting expectations, support, and dreams is crucial for successful families. I wish I had these skills and the opportunity to gain these skills as a new mom and a new parent. I want every family to make the switch from me to we in creating satisfaction and connection in the new journey being undertaken. There are skills we can learn and utilize to create a better outcome and not be one of the 67% of new parents who are dissatisfied and have increased conflict in their relationship. I encourage every new parent to seek out the skills to make the changes and if you are a grandparent or family member support the new parents by letting them know what the statistics are and hope that they can combat this through education. This is a huge step towards healthy families and healthy kids.
Good Luck,
Penney