Self-Compassion During Grief and Loss
I want to start out by clearly stating there is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of someone you love. The 5 stages of grief and loss we have held onto as a society since 1969 has been shown through multiple studies to be inaccurate. We don’t go through stages in a linear pattern coming to a place of peace and acceptance evermore. Grief is a much messier and individualized process. So again, I state there is NOT a wrong way to grieve.
So how do we provide ourselves compassion during loss? I am going to utilize the three pillars of self-compassion framework from Kristin Neff - mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness to answer this question.
Being mindful during grief to me, is about attending to our thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way. I know there are a large amount of ‘shoulds’ surrounding how we or others think we should act and grieve properly. These judgements or perceptions are untrue! How your body is feeling right now in this moment, that is actual truth! So take time to listen and notice what you are actually feeling instead of what you or others think you should be feeling.
There has been some research to show we are more binary in our grief. At times we will feel good. We will want to interact with others, go out, enjoy time and then within minutes, hours, or days we will be crying, staying in, feeling alone and not wanting to speak, engage or experience the loss.
Taking time to be sad as well as time to take breaks from the sadness as you need provides you with the opportunities to check in with yourself and determine what you need without external judgment.