How Accountability Impacts Relationships
Relationship Myth #3
Accountability is a core value of mine. I have to be careful in relationships to find balance around accountability and perspective-taking. So, this week’s topic of bad relationship advice is one I relish.
"If they can't handle you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best." I find this saying to be egregious and an excuse to behave in a negative manner without any repercussions or accountability towards the damage to the relationship or the other person. Now, quick caveat, if your behavior does not damage others, does not harm the relationship, and you strive to regulate emotions, then this does not apply to you.
Relationships need to, at the very core, be safe for all parties involved. Any time of not feeling safe in a relationship needs to be examined and changes need to be made. This does not always mean one partner is wrong and one is right. However, the situation needs to be examined from both perspectives in order to find safety. This is where accountability is paramount! We are accountable for communicating our wants, needs, and emotions in a clear and kind manner. We are responsible for checking in with ourselves to identify emotions and triggers which are coming up and impacting how we are showing up in relationships. This is not the responsibility of the other party but ours to own.
One way to watch for accountability is to attend to victim statements in our self-talk and in communication with others. Common victim statements that might come up are:
Blaming others for making you feel a certain way.
Thinking the world is against you and you are being targeted for bad things to happen.
Thinking about and/or sharing tragic stories with others without their consent or to manipulate.
I do not have the power to change, I am the way I am.
Making self-deprecating statements such as, “I know I am always the problem
To combat victim statements or thoughts we embrace ownership of our part. So, if you find yourself taking a victim stance:
Start by acknowledging this to yourself and the other person. Even if this is uncomfortable, the first step must be owning up to our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
The second step is to express true remorse for how our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors have had an impact. If the victim statement was negative self-talk you can apologize to yourself for how these thoughts have created harm and led to negative feelings about yourself. If the victim statement created harm to another person you need to give a sincere verbal apology.
Step number three is to identify how you will change the victim stance in this moment and in the future. This needs to be communicated clearly without any caveats. I have heard this step go terribly wrong when accountability and change are turned into a conditional statement, such as, “I was wrong to yell at you this morning and blame you for me having a bad day as long as you make sure to wake me up if I sleep through my alarm I will try and not do this again,” this is not truly being accountable. We are making a commitment to changing ourselves, not a commitment to changing ourselves based on how others behave. We can only be accountable for ourselves.
The challenge for each of us is to step bravely into accountability and own our lives. This leads us to a place of personal empowerment and creates safety in relationships. We can all strive for our “worst” to be something others can be around safely. Being accountable and noticing when we are stepping into victim thoughts allows others to support us instead of “handling” or tolerating us. I never want to be tolerated in relationships and I definitely don’t want to be handled. I want to be cherished, understood, and propped up when I am struggling so I am responsible to act in a way that allows others to show up safely and meet that need. Let’s identify the saying "If they can't handle you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best," as the myth it is and the damage this mindset causes by kicking it to the curb.