Fortune Favors the Bold
“Intimacy in a relationship is not about sex!”
I am going to focus on intimacy in relationships this week to dispel 2 myths; 1- we should play hard to get and 2- we should let the other person make the first move. A 2019 study, by researchers from the Israeli-based Interdisciplinary Center Herzliya and the University of Rochester, explored how playing hard to get impacted desire in the relationship the results demonstrated a decrease in interest. Researchers hypothesized this is due to the gut reaction to protect ourselves from being hurt in relationships and detecting a lack of the stability we are searching for in a partner. This makes sense to me, I am less likely to invest my time, energy, and emotions into a relationship I am uncertain of or one I am fearful of leading to pain. How about you?
Relationships are built upon connection, these connections start small in the beginning stages of a relationship with a smile, a text, and a brush of hands, and then move into increased levels of intimacy. Intimacy in a relationship is not about sex! Intimacy is the feeling of closeness, connection, and support we get from another person wherein we feel safe to explore the thoughts, experiences, and emotions which come from being human. While intimacy can lead to sexual intercourse it does not have to nor does it always. Intimacy can be between romantic partners or close friends.
Instead of playing hard to get or letting the other person make the first move, focus on what I call bids for intimacy. These bids are important for new relationships and ones which have been around for a while. Bids for intimacy are the small moments and gestures we engage in daily, creating a connection between two people. These bids can take the form of
- Silent gestures such as winking, long eye contact, a touch, or a smile.
- Humorous gestures such as a joke, a silly dance move, a playful tease, or a playful gesture.
- Questions that spark connection and create intimacy, these do not need to be high-energy questions but simple bids for sharing a part of yourself around the human condition or your inner world.
- Comments around any topic which increases connection. Again, this does not need to be something high energy but a daily telling of an event from the day, random thoughts, or feelings that come up.
Bids for intimacy are important for creating a foundation level of connection and continue to be important daily actions in a relationship. Remember both partners are responsible for making bids and seeking to build intimacy in the relationship.
What happens when there is a breakdown in bids for intimacy? There is a lessening of connection, a decrease in safety, relationship satisfaction decreases, and so on. While both partners have a responsibility to make bids for intimacy, both partners also have a responsibility to respond to bids for intimacy. I can think of the times for myself when a bid was made and then failed to be acknowledged or reciprocated and I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. We need to be mindful of when partners are making a bid for intimacy and then make an effort to respond. This can be as simple as acknowledging the bid or returning the bid with enthusiasm to keep the momentum going toward increased intimacy.
I challenge all of you to step out there and step up to making bids for intimacy in your life. Take a chance, be bold, and seek to connect and share a part of your inner world with someone. Also notice when others are making bids for intimacy and find time to share in their inner world and experience.
-Penney
If you want to hear more thoughts about bids for intimacy you can listen to my podcast episode #5, releasing April 25th, all about Intimacy in relationships. You can listen to that here! Follow Untangling Relationships wherever you listen to your podcasts to stay up to date on all the current relationship topics covered.