Blending families with kids
Looking back on living in a blended family
Families are complicated and messy. This means all families whether they are a “yours mine and ours” or the picture-perfect family down the street. If a deeper look is taken all families have their problems; however why do people have this stigma that combined families are going to be more difficult? After looking up the top googled questions about a “yours, mine and ours” family I was baffled none of them were positive or even neutral about the situation. It was mostly the negatives; can I make this work, how do I make this work, what if I do not like my partners kids, when do I call it quits. All of these are valid thoughts and concerns but growing up with stepparents I feel like there is a really big negative stigma that comes with being a combined family. This stigma I truly believe starts people off already dreading the possibility of this family unit before it even has the opportunity to become a normal non perfect family.
Now, I want to state I am not an expert here and I am speaking from my personal experience being raised with divorced parents and in blended families. As a kid I remember being excited about having new siblings, parents, grandparents, and all of the extra family that comes with bringing new people into your life and it was going to be a fun new adventure. Now I am not going to tell you that it has been perfect and rainbows and butterflies the whole time because it has not. There was a lot of outside influence of “this is hard you should not like them”, or the other set of kids is taking all their parent’s time and that they will no longer care about you. Some of this from friends or family, and some even from divorced parents. At times it almost seemed like the world wanted this family to fail. We need to not look down on this type of family situation it is hard building and maintaining relationships without everyone trying to bring it down.
Another thing I noticed while growing up in blended families is the struggle to not pin your children against their other parent, stepparent, or the kids from the other family. Everyone in this situation is hurting. It is okay to have your feelings and emotions but do not let those emotions impact things that you tell your children or use those feelings to push your children to act in a certain way to hurt others. It is hard for a child to find the balance of still loving their parents while also wanting to support and be there for them on this new journey. As parents, finding a way to be friends/ civil around each other will help your children with this transition and life after. It is hard as a kid to see two people who loved each other suddenly hate each other. It will also help to teach your children how to manage conflict and be open to dealing with their emotions. It helps them to not feel like they need to protect the other parent when they are not around.
While starting this new part of your life make sure to take the time to communicate and set boundaries with your new spouse, all the kids, and your ex. Talking and being open can be hard, but it is necessary. Implementing these two things can help the transition. As things progress and change, continuing these skills will help your family to grow and can help to alleviate building conflict. As things are not working, have a meeting as a family. This will help your kids to see that all the parents are working together and a combined front and unit.
Just remember no one is perfect and to give yourself and others grace during this time. Relationships are hard at the best of times. There are a lot of emotions, take the time to feel them and express them. Just make sure to do it in a healthy way and give your new marriage and family time to grow. Do not go into this journey expecting the worst, breathe life and excitement into it. Leave all the negative thoughts from others behind and make your family what you want it to be. All families look a little different and handle things in different ways figure out what will work best for all involved.
Tina Crain, CPSS