Moving from divorce to a blended family
A personal perspective on how to move from divorce to creating a new blended family
I work with divorced families and couples as part of my practice. I am also divorced and have experienced the ups and downs of a blended family. I know going through my own divorce and the years of trying to blend my family I found very few resources to help me with this very difficult part of my life. I want to spend some time talking about my experience and thoughts. This post is going to be far less about statistics and research and instead a personal point of view.
Penney Rockhill, LCPC
Why Can’t We Just Be Friends?
A few years following my divorce, my ex and I came to a place of peace and friendship. We both agreed we were friends prior to the marriage. Why could we not find kindness for each other again? This unfortunately changed and has not returned to this place. I do feel this is key to blending a family. Basic kindness, friendship, compassion, forgiveness, and boundaries with ex-partners is essential to blending a family. Please seek out support, counseling and whatever else is needed to move past the issues and find a place of peace for yourself and your family.
Communication is still key
The idea of leaving a relationship and then being done with the other person who does (X, Y or Z) is not a reality. You get boundaries and space post-separation; however, you will still need to talk about the kids and how life, yours and theirs, impacts your children. You still need to actively listen, validate, show compassion, and again set boundaries in a healthy way in your separated relationship. This is good modeling for your children and creates a space of safety for them. Fighting and conflict only creates anxiety, damage, and sadness for your children and your family.
Why the stereotype?
I feel, have seen and heard the stereotype of the “exes”. This is something played out in movies and in daily lives on social media. Upon hearing about exes who have found peace and cohesion you often hear, ‘that is so strange.’ Let’s rewrite the norm! Let’s change what we do to have healthier children and families. We can spend time together, attend events together, sit with each other, work together, and speak to each other in a supportive way.
If one person wins nobody wins
I have heard comments about, “how do I win,” “how can I be the best parent”, “I want them to hurt”. I absolutely understand from a grief standpoint the need for this part of the process. I also understand the hurt, feelings of fear and anxiety which surround separation as a couple. I know there will be good days, bad days, sad days, days of relief, days of intense collapse and disconnection. I believe strongly we need to be honest with our feelings and walk through the emotions. Each person involved will feel all of these emotions. Keeping in mind the idea of compassion and co-regulation. As others around us experience intense emotions we pick up on these emotions and are also influenced. So, if one is sadder, hurt, destroyed or impacted this directly impacts the entire family system. Especially the kids. So have emotions but do not wish or hope to win. Everyone will walk through and sit in emotions. Have hope these can be worked through and everyone comes out in a healthier and happier space. This shows your children we can be resilient and recover from loss, hurt, and pain. This also shows them how to have compassion and understanding to even those who hurt us. These will be skills they will use in their day to day lives.
In the end what really matters
My thoughts on what really matters are the entire family’s health long term. As you are putting two families together so much is changing. So much is unknown, and conflict is inevitable. Focus with your family on ways to work as a unit in solving conflicts, do some family counseling, engage in activities which allow everyone to work together, focus on communication around how everyone is feeling and allow space for those feelings. In the end a 15 min late drop off, who said what or who is winning are not what matters. So, keep things in perspective. I look back and realize how much of the little things I was drawn into and wish I could do it all over again in a different way.
Boundaries and roles matter
As you are establishing a blended family, take time to sit down and decide who does what. Who is allowed to discipline, what do the rules look like in the house, what rules are everyone bringing to the table, which rules can be supported, which ones can you let go of, what are the expectations, what is the vision we have for our blended family, perhaps create a mission statement and identify in difficult moments if an action gets you closer or farther away from accomplishing that mission. Everyone has a voice in this first family meeting. If this type of meeting is difficult to work through on your own, reach out for support and ask someone else to help facilitate as you learn these skills and roles as a family.
Most of all I wish all of you grace, peace, luck and some magic pixie dust to help you along your way on this journey. It is very much a roller coaster and I remember so much excitement at meeting and getting to know my stepchildren. I was also very excited for my spouse to be a part of my children’s lives. We have definitely had our struggles and we are still trying to figure out roles during all of the transitions and changes in life. After all of this time I am still excited to be a part of my stepchildren’s lives and I am still glad my spouse has been there to support my journey as a mother.