Stealth Expectations in Relationships
Expectations as a Couple
-Penney Rockhill, LCPC
I was recently listening to Brene Brown where she discussed Stealth Expectations which really hit a chord with me. I reflected on how much in the past 20 years and currently stealthy expectations have ruined holidays, vacations, and time with my spouse. What are stealth expectations? They are beliefs and expectations we hold about situations that are not communicated and agreed upon. As Mother’s Day has just passed let me use this as an example. In my home growing up Mother’s Day was filled with flowers, cards, and rest for mom and my dad taking care of everything. So of course, when I married and had children, I expected Mother’s Day to be exactly as it was in my childhood. I never had this conversation with my partner prior to my first Mother’s Day and most likely not prior to my 10th. The day was fraught with disappointment and frustration until I canceled the day in my home. It would be a day I acknowledge how privileged I was to be a mom and I would celebrate being a mother. Hence, no expectations for anyone but myself, after all, I can control myself.
As time wore on and finally some conversations were had, I realized for my spouse Mother’s Day was filled with alone time for his mother and a nice gift was expected. I personally do not like gifts so each year when he would buy me a gift thinking his job was complete and I was disappointed and sad, he was also hurt and disappointed wondering why his offerings were not enough despite the price of the gifts increasing each year. So, not communicating the silent, unspoken and strongly held expectations lead to pain each and every holiday for both of us.
Guess what this year, there were no gifts, and time was spent together showing gratitude and appreciation. My nearly perfect Mother’s Day. Even though expectations were clarified my spouse remained nervous about me becoming angry due to all of the past failed attempts at this day. However, the day finally opened the door for us to discuss other stealth expectations we hold onto as a couple and how we are hurt by those expectations not being met even though they are not communicated to or agreed upon by the other person.
I would save all of you from falling into the trap and creating the damage which has occurred in my relationship. Brene Brown calls this checking expectations. This starts by having a clear conversation about what is expected on each side, compromising, coming to an agreement on the expectation, and then following through. Instead of creating mistrust and hurt this builds trust and alliance with each other.
Checking expectations
1- The first part of this process is being mindful of what we are feeling and getting honest with ourselves about what is going on. We must be very clear about what our expectations are so we can discuss those with our partner. So check in to what you are feeling in your body, what are the beliefs you are holding, where do those come from, and what parts of those expectations are reasonable. For example, if my spouse expected all of my free time to be spent with him this would not work for me and would be unreasonable.
2- Open up a conversation I simply say, “hey can we check expectations around this” and this seems to work however, you may need another version of this starter. Using the Gottman skill of a gentle start-up is also a great idea for this part, it would look like, “Hey, I am feeling disappointed around Mother’s Day, I need to have a conversation where we get on the same page and check expectations. I appreciate when we can do this for each other, and it has worked for us in the past.”
3- Let the compromise begin. There are many methods of compromise out there. In the event of feeling stuck and gridlocked. Gottman’s have designed what they call the doughnut or bagel method. The small center is where you put the unmovable and uncompromisable issues for you. An example around Mother’s Day for me would be, that I need a day where I am honored through time spent with me. For my spouse, it would look like I need to know I am not disappointing and letting you down with reasonable expectations. The outer circle of the doughnut is filled with the things we can let go of. For example, my spouse cooking and cleaning, flowers, homemade cards, and a big family event. For my spouse, it would be a big gift and money spent. Then we can look at what is left in the center of the circle and make a plan around that.
4- Follow through on the plan: Even though it was difficult, and my spouse felt anxious he did not buy me an expensive gift. Although I really did want a big family BBQ I was able to spend time with my family in a different way. While compromise is difficult following the method led to clarity, less anxiety and there were ZERO conflicts.
Expectations are a part of everyday life and clearly communicating those while being realistic and open with ourselves is important to successful relationships.