Meeting Expectations with Boundaries and Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion and Internal Expectations
-Janae Kara, TCTSY-F
Learning to manage our expectations is hard work. It takes time to begin seeing all the ways we set ourselves up for shame and punishment around internal expectations. Creating space for self-compassion and reflection with ourselves can help us avoid the shame spiral that comes with failed expectations. It can also help build a habit of questioning what is really important to us vs. what we think needs to be important to us based on societal or external pressures.
We all put expectations on ourselves. Every time you sit and write out a ten-point to-do list for the day, overschedule work or personal commitments, or constantly go to sleep thinking “tomorrow will be different. I will do X, Y, and, Z and be a better person”.
Here’s where boundaries and self-compassion come into play to help change these patterns. Some boundaries could be, only setting the top 3 most important tasks for the day on your to-do list. This means at the end of the day you might have one unchecked thing on your list instead of seven. Take space to critically think about what really needs to happen that day. Do you really need to do X,Y, and Z? Or is it okay to take care of X and set a plan for Y next weekend. When we can make realistic expectations for ourselves it helps to keep self-shame at a minimum. It is all too easy at the end of the day with a ton of tasks still on your list to berate yourself for not being “productive enough, disciplined enough, skilled enough, etc.” This all translates down to the core self-shaming statement of “I am not enough”. Which is not true.
Expectations become dangerous when our self-worth is deeply connected to the outcomes of those expectations. “I will be a good person once my house is perfectly clean, my kids have straight A’s, my relationship is perfect….. The list could go on and on. When we separate our worth from external factors and understand nothing can take away our worth it becomes easier to set these expectations aside. Here is an exercise from Byron Kaite, you can try the next time you need to challenge your thinking
Ask Yourself the 4 questions and the turnaround
-Figure out what expectation statement you want to break down.
We can go with “I am a good parent when my house is clean all the time”
Question the statement. Ask yourself is this true?
Ask, Can you absolutely know it is true?
Is it really true that you are only a good parent when your house is clean or are there other reasons you are a good parent?
How do you feel when you believe the original thought?
Notice how you feel when you acknowledge and fully hear the statement “I am only a good parent when my house is clean all the time.” Take time to see how this thought impacts you.
Ask, Who would you be without that thought? What would it feel like?
Would you feel lighter, would you care less when people drop by your house, would you be kinder towards yourself or others living in the home? Would you feel more at peace and able to relax at home?
Now the turnaround
Find the opposites in your statement to create space in the narrative.
“I am a good parent when my house is dirty all the time”
“I am a good parent when my house is clean sometimes”
“I am a bad parent when my house is clean all the time”
Flip the nouns in your statement to gain perspective.
“My partner is a good parent when the house is clean all the time”
“My kids are good children when the house is clean all the time”
You can see how challenging these statements and creating some space for you to view them in different ways is helpful. You can start to see the automatic expectations you place on yourself might be misguided, unfair, or entirely unnecessary. You can practice the 4 questions and turn around method anytime you find yourself battling internal messages regarding your self-worth and expectations.
How Expectations and Boundaries Go Hand in Hand in our Relationships
All relationships we create, cultivate, and engage with will come with certain expectations as this is the nature of relationships. I scratch your back, you scratch mine… etc. While not all relationships are this dry and transactional there is still a level of truth in having inherent expectations on how each person in a relationship will act and behave. This can become damaging to the relationship when there are unsaid expectations hanging in the air and we charge the other person with unfair judgments when they don’t meet those expectations. This often leads to contempt, punishing behaviors, or ending the relationship.
The best way to avoid this is to have continuing conversations about what your expectations are in any given situation and relationship. Communicate to your friends if you want them to do something for your birthday, and clearly lay out what hopes you have for how that day will be spent and how they can help facilitate that. Start conversations with your family members about what expectations you have for certain events, plans, or small occasions. This allows both parties to talk things through and make a plan. Don’t assume people don’t want to take on the responsibility of planning things for you ergo you don’t ask them to celebrate your birthday and you end up feeling lonely and upset that day. I have often not communicated what I want out of fear of being disappointed, being a burden on my friends and family, or being viewed as spoiled. When you clearly tell them what you are hoping for they are given space to communicate what they are able to participate in and what ways they might not be able to. There is no need for you to imagine what their reactions to what you are asking is, they can tell you themselves. This provides natural give and take in the relationship and both you and your friend are able to feel seen and heard.
I have experienced a lot of one-sided friendships and relationships in my life and I know this is a common feeling among other people too. Looking back now, I understand it’s because I did not hold firm boundaries around what I was willing to do in the relationship and I did not communicate my own needs and wants either. Create boundaries around what expectations of theirs you are willing to engage with, then communicate what expectations you have for them. If you are being asked to put too much of yourself into the relationship it is okay to pause and have a conversation about it. This allows your friend to understand the limits and boundaries you have in a relationship and if needed they can go find others who can support the needs you can’t be there for. You can’t be and do everything for one person, so having clear conversations and boundaries about what you can and can’t provide in the relationship can help both sides manage expectations.
It’s key to remember you can only control your behavior and actions. It isn’t helpful to become angry and upset when others don’t perform in the way you had imagined, especially if you have not previously outlined and communicated what your expectations for them are. If you have gone through and talked about what outcomes you wanted and things still fall short you get to choose your own actions and behaviors moving forward. You might consider finding compassion and curiosity towards the situation before jumping to anger and upset. Consider how the other person might have been struggling. They might have wanted to meet all the set-out plans but misjudged their own time constraints or schedule. There can be room for your own emotions about the missed expectations along with their own feelings about it as well. Try and leave room for conversations and processing after the event is over to check in and air any grievances with one another. When both sides feel heard you can continue taking steps forward in the relationship and keep practicing setting and communicating your expectations and boundaries with one another compassionately.
