5 Steps for Emotional Coaching
How to avoid panic when people around you are feeling things. 😉
Do you find yourself at a loss for how to be there for others during emotional times?
I know at times we feel overwhelmed by emotions. I have heard from multiple children how their parents are afraid of their emotions, couples who are afraid to show emotions to their significant other, and co-workers fearful of emotions in the workplace; so they do not show or express them.
This is damaging to the relationships we have with others and to our relationship with ourselves. The need to have, feel and express emotions will always be there in all relationships AND we are often unsure of how to cope when someone we know or love displays emotions, so we need to learn and start implementing some skills. It is important to remember when we fear showing our emotions to others we are no longer showing up with vulnerability, building trust, and cultivating connection. We aren’t giving ourselves permission to be who we are which can lead to hiding, feeling ashamed of having emotions, and betrayal of self-expression. When we let the fear stop us from showing up with all our emotions, we deny others the choice to help, and the opportunity to learn how to make repairs, and there isn’t growth in the relationship. This leads you to ultimately feeling hurt, unsupported, and dissatisfied in your relationships.
So, this week we are going to focus on a 5- step technique called emotion coaching so we can have tools during times when emotions happen. You can send these tips to the other people in your life so they can learn how to be there and coach you when you need it too.
The first step to emotion coaching is to pay attention. I know this is often the first step in these guides, but it is a very important one. You focus on body language, changes in voice, and expression which can give you clues about how the other person is feeling. Pay attention to how emotions are expressed in the relationship, does the other person become quiet, busy, avoidant, fidgety, or clingy? These are all clues a conversation needs to happen or emotions are occurring. Next, pay attention to your own emotions in relation to theirs, do you feel anxious, avoidant, or defensive? Notice how you feel about emotions in general, are they normal, are they scary, do you want them to not happen, and should they be quickly resolved? Emotions are normal! We all have them, take time to give yourself and others permission to show them and normalize them.
Example: I can sense when my office manager has emotions coming up. She gets quiet, furrows her brow, and hunches her shoulders. She will also massage her neck due to building tension and will be snappier in responses. My response when I notice these things can be worrying about how that is going to impact me, how can I provide support, and what is my energy level to provide support which could lead to me checking in with myself about these questions.
The second step to emotion coaching is connection. Now you have paid attention to the emotions you are noticing, you can use this as an opportunity for a conversation to build connection. You step into the emotional conversation by asking questions and encouraging conversations around the emotions you are each having. Anytime you can be there for someone and listen to how they are feeling you increase connection and trust. Start conversations with some assurance about how emotions are normal, and that you can be there with them. Also, continue to monitor your own emotions and let the other person know how you are doing with the conversation. This keeps emotions from becoming too heightened for the two of you and can keep conflict from rising up. It is ok to let the other party know if the emotions you are feeling get too large and you need to take a break. Be sure to still let them know you are available for the conversation and will be back once your own emotions are more manageable.
Example: I will ask my office manager if something is going on, ask how she is feeling and I will point out body language as a reason for my asking the question. I ask if she would like to talk about it and if I can support her by listening. If the emotion is coming up around something I have created and I feel defensive, I will ask if we can address the issue at another time or in a few minutes when I am feeling less defensive. If you try and have the conversation while taking the defense everything they say to you will feel like an attack. This makes finding a resolution impossible, no shared understanding can take place, and neither of you will be able to take personal accountability.
Respect others by fully listening. Be present and take the time to hear them and understand. Talking about emotions feels very vulnerable already, finding out the other person was not listening or only partially listening is a painful experience. Honor the other person and the relationship by giving it the time and attention it deserves. Be fully present and take their sharing in the serious manner it is intended to be. Do not step into judgment about the emotion they are expressing or their having emotions at all. Do not criticize emotions, expression of emotions, size of the emotion, or presence of the emotion. We know we are stepping into criticism when we start to use “You” in an attacking way. Like “you shouldn’t be angry right now”. Try instead “I feel worried about your anger and I need us to both take 3 steps back. Thank you for understanding.” Emotions happen and they can be whatever they are. Being fully there and allowing expression in an open fashion is important.
Example: I only ask my assistant how she is feeling when I am able to talk and have the time to hear her. I am not checking messages, emails, or scrolling social media during the conversation. I am listening to and validating her experience. I am reflecting back what she is saying so she feels heard.
The fourth step is naming the emotion you are having. This means talking about that emotion, asking how you are experiencing it, where it is coming up in your body and why you might be feeling that emotion. You can ask and encourage the other person to name their emotion and ask for more details about the emotion. It is very important not to tell anyone how they are feeling and instead allow them to express their emotion to you. Dan Siegal’s saying is, “you have to name it to tame it,” so allowing the naming and expression of the emotion provides relief and allows your nervous system to start to regulate. The modeling of emotional expression increases the emotional vocabulary and emotional communication between couples. Thinking about what we are feeling and expressing that feeling increases trust and connection too.
Example: I do not approach my assistant and say, “you are looking pissy today, want to talk about it?” I have no idea how she is feeling. I have to ask and then not make assumptions about why the feeling is occurring. I also do not take responsibility for causing the emotion or responsibility for fixing the emotion. I just listen and ask clarifying questions to learn more.
Step five is exploring solutions and problem-solving, this step can be deceiving. We are not focused on solving what brought up the emotions. We are focused on how to work with the emotion and heal any damage which might have come due to the emotion. If the emotion was anger and led to an argument, we talk about ways to express the emotion in the future which creates less damage. If the emotion is sadness, we explore ways to self-soothe and give space for sadness to be expressed. This is an important step as part of emotion coaching is planning for future emotions and ways to give each other space, grace, and communication around emotional expression moving forward.
Example: Talking with my office manager about her feelings of overwhelm and being burned out. We can explore ways she can care for herself at the office. I can ask if she needs space to walk and decompress or if she needs anything from me when overwhelm comes up. We don’t fix the fact that feeling overwhelmed happened we just work with it and allow space for it to happen while caring for ourselves at the same time.
When you try to ‘emotion proof’ your life, you will quickly find it is impossible to safeguard yourself from never feeling emotions. Instead, make a plan on how to feel your way through them and how to be there for others as they are going through that process themselves.
1. Pay attention and notice when the person you are with has a shift in their emotions and expressions.
2. Create a safe space for connection around the emotion. “I noticed (X), would you like to talk about it”.
3. Listen fully without judgment or criticism.
4. Allow them to name the emotion and give it as many descriptors as possible. “I am feeling sad. Sadness makes my chest ache and my body close off.”
5. Explore what plans you can make in the future for the expression of emotions in a safe and supported way. What do both of you need to feel support when these emotions come up?
Please think through these basic 5 steps and see how they can apply to the relationships in your life. I chose to do the workplace example because work relationships can be tricky and handling emotions in the workplace can be difficult. However, I challenge you to practice this with your significant other, friends, family, and children. It increases connection and emotional intelligence which will benefit all your relationships.