Understanding and Sharing the Mental Load: Rewriting the Rules of Relationship Responsibility
In every relationship, there is an invisible element that subtly influences the dynamics between the individuals involved. This element is often referred to as the "mental load," Mental load is defined as the mental tasks we carry around which are running in our brains every day, the never-ending to-do list around tasks, worries, things to remember, things we need to manage, what needs to be executed, and when.
Carrying a high mental load can lead to burnout, problems in relationships, increased mental health symptoms, and decreased physical health. Understanding the mental load involves deciphering the components of your mental to-do list and the emotional reactions that accompany them. Are you carrying something because it's your responsibility, or are you taking on tasks that others in your relationship could, and should, be helping with? Mental load can sometimes feel unequally distributed, leading to stress and tension between relationship partners so let’s talk about how to reduce the mental load and increase partner connection and understanding.
Action Step 1, Identify and Evaluate:
First start by identifying and defining the problem. You might notice the distribution of mental load has become unbalanced. This can often be indicated by feelings of cognitive overwhelm or a decrease in your relationship’s quality, leading to distance and resentment. Another indicator could be an increase in self-critical thoughts when contemplating your responsibilities and pressures. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by the tasks ahead of you, it's likely a sign that you're carrying an excessive mental load. Therefore, it’s essential to examine, understand, and communicate what's on your proverbial plate.
Take your mental load and put it down on paper:
Grab a pack of 3x5 cards or some folded half sheets of paper.
Begin writing out each of your tasks, then under each task what long-running mental to-do list you are carrying with it.
My example for this would be the mental load I have noticed around tax season coming up. I would have a card titled taxes and then underneath I would list all of the mental load I am carrying around what needs to be done with the taxes, for example, call my accountant, gather W-2s send W-9s, and so on. This will be a long card list that serves as a visual representation of how much I am holding.
Another example could be a worry I carry such as the upcoming birth of my granddaughter. Even though this is a more mental or emotional load than gathering tax documents, the process for identifying the load is still the same. Under the title I would put, research about birthing pressure points, ask friends about good pediatrician recommendations, prep meals for after the birth, buy nursing pads, make burp cloths, and so on.
Once you have created your cards you are ready to move on to the next step.
Action Step 2, Gain insight and Understanding:
This is going to be a step where we get to be honest with ourselves. Understanding the mental load involves deciphering the components of your mental to-do list and the emotional reactions that accompany them. The challenge here is to gain understanding by looking at each of the cards and asking some questions.
Here are some questions I asked myself when working through this step:
Is this something I need to keep?
Is this a worry I am just holding onto?
Is this something I am trying to control that I need to let go of or reduce the way I am holding onto perfection around the task?
Next, break them down into categories. Take the time to divide your tasks into whatever categories make sense to you. For me, I chose to do worries, tasks to complete, and tasks to make a plan around. I further broke mine down into business, personal, and family categories to help with the next step.
Once you have taken the time to understand what mental load you are carrying and why you chose to keep it, we can move to the next step.
Acton Step 3- Reorganize Your Mental Load:
We are focusing in this step on reducing the mental load by reorganizing what you are carrying and delegating tasks. Try to assess and understand the expectations tied to the tasks you have on your cards. For instance, are you performing the activity because it's culturally expected or because it's personally important to you? Are you carrying something because it's your responsibility, or are you taking on tasks that others in your relationship could, and should, be helping with?
When you are ready, sort your cards into 3 categories:
Eliminate- If I decided in the previous step, I was holding something that I could not control or was not mine to control I chose to let go of it. I made a pile of the worry cards for burning later (I find this cathartic).
Delegate- I chose the cards I could delegate and put them in piles. If it was a business delegate card it went to my assistant. If it was a home delegate card it went to my daughter or spouse.
Keep- If it was a keep card and needed to be planned or executed, I blocked a time in my schedule to carry those out.
Action Step 4 - Sharing the Mental Load:
Having open and honest conversations about the mental load is vital to finding a balance. Whether it’s your partner, your family member, or even your co-worker, these conversations can help redistribute the mental load more evenly.
Start by setting the tone for the conversation:
Before beginning the conversation make sure both of you are in the right headspace to have this talk. Send this blog post to the other person and have them complete steps 1-3 themselves so you can both be represented in the conversation.
Create a positive setting. Consider what preplanning needs to go into having this conversation be supportive and grounded.
When having this conversation with my partner I made sure to have some form of physical touch to connect and stay regulated together. You could also have other regulation tools on hand like a weighted blanket, music to sway or dance to, or pets around to cuddle.
When having this conversation with my assistant I set aside a time in both of our schedules to discuss expectations and plans together.
Keep the conversation neutral
When addressing the mental load with a partner, ensure that the conversation is not an avenue to criticize or point fingers but rather a means of finding understanding and compromise.
Share your mental load through just your perspective. Speak like you are a reporter or narrator, focusing on your experiences without exterior judgment. Avoid “you” statements that lead to criticism and defensiveness. Use instead a positive needs statement. I feel + about what + I need + call to action + reflect on past positives, and give compliments or appreciation.
Make this a dialog, not a monologue
Once the lines of communication are open, you can both discuss how to share your loads effectively. Work through each of your categories. You can each burn or tear up your “eliminate” piles together. Tasks in the “delegate” pile can now be distributed by swapping the 3X5 cards with the list of subtasks for the other person to reference. Once you have delegated the task you have let it go and don’t control how or when it gets done. Tasks in the keep pile can be shared with one other with empathy statements, validation, and listening. Remember you don’t need to step into problem-solving your partner’s “keep” tasks unless they ask for help.
Stay open to hearing about the other person’s mental load and seeing things from their perspective. What is important tasks for you may look different to them and vice versa.
Make a plan to move forward
For example, I took the time to talk with my spouse about his mental load and then made the exchanges we could to reduce and rebalance the loads for both of us.
Action Step 5- Maintenance:
This is not a one-time exercise. This is an ongoing conversation that should adjust as life changes and responsibilities shift.
I would recommend redoing this process every 30 days. Start again with step 1 and work through each step. Notice any changes or reductions in the number of cards you have.
Set a time in the calendar for both you and your partner to come together and re-evaluate your piles and categories. Discuss any barriers to previously delegated tasks getting done, consider what needs to be further eliminated from both of your mental loads, and share again about what you are choosing to keep and why.
Another part of maintaining is adding mindfulness to your daily routine. This allows us to notice when the mental load is getting bigger and what we are holding onto that we can let go of.
Managing the mental load in relationships does not need to be a Herculean task. With open conversations, understanding, and a solid plan, your mental load can be shared more evenly, leading to a healthier and more balanced partnership.
Remember, it is okay to ask for help. It is alright to want to share your burdens. Adjusting the weight of the mental load not only brings relief but also contributes to a deeper connection and stronger bond in your relationships.
Good luck in taking the time to evaluate and manage the mental load and remember we are all cheering for you and in this together.
-Penney