The Power of Repair: Rebuilding Bonds in Relationships
Conflict happens in relationships; it is truth and something to be expected. We have differing ideals, perspectives, and desires which will bump up against those we have relationships with. We need to expect and welcome conflict in relationships, a relationship where there is no conflict can feel dead and you know there is no honest connection happening if we stay silent and don’t speak our thoughts and truths. Instead of ignoring the fact that conflict happens in relationships let’s focus on how to make repairs during or after conflict. Repair in relationships is any action or statement that prevents a disagreement from escalating into a destructive argument. Ideally, such repairs should be initiated early on, rather than waiting until it escalates to unmanageable levels. For instance, consider a minor disagreement between a couple. The sooner one party steps in to defuse the situation, the healthier the relationship remains. However, remember that making amends can be accomplished at any stage of a disagreement. The repair process includes certain steps. But in this post, we focus primarily on the initial step – determining how to de-escalate situations. We also encourage creativity in shaping your unique defusing mechanisms for different situations. Remember that what works in one situation might not be effective in another, so having an array of repair strategies is always beneficial. The inability to make repairs in conflicts features prominently in lists of factors that contribute to relationship breakdowns or divorce. Unresolved problems often accumulate over time, creating an unbearable strain on the relationship. However, even if the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse (criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt) come into play, successful repair attempts can salvage the relationship.
I enjoy working with couples as they make repairs, own their perspective, identify their inner beliefs, and make true amends and apologies. When working through a full repair or aftermath of a fight the process can feel a bit stiff with an agenda, script, and set times to meet. While these steps are important and necessary the reconnection after can be tricky and feel awkward. Let’s focus this week on ways we can come back and reconnect emotionally and physically.
Request a Do-Over
My first go-to after harsh words are said or you are coming back together after a conflict is to ask for a do-over. I enjoy mulligans in golf where you get a redo so I also believe in them for couples work. Research around anger shows we react quickly with anger and then have feelings of sadness and hurt which lasts far longer. So, I try to remember we have 5-8 seconds to say something that will quickly stop the momentum of anger which will lead to my partner feeling hurt. If I say something unkind, sharp, or critical, I try quickly to say something like
Wait, let me try that again.
Can I try that again?
Do you want to try that again? (if they have said something critical to trigger me)
That felt critical can we start again?
I am sorry that came out sounding critical let me do it over.
I can see how that sounded harsh, I am sorry, please forgive me and give me another chance.
I overreacted to that I am sorry.
I am trying to be gentle, and I know I am not doing a good job.
I can feel us both having emotions coming up, please just hang in there and don’t withdraw and I will do better.
I love you and am sorry I was harsh.
Those are a few statements I use and find to be helpful, take a minute and think about ones you have used that may have worked, make a list of some things you can try saying, take the list and put it on the fridge, mirror, bedroom wall, car or anywhere you might need to have a quick look and slow it down to stop the momentum of conflict.
Research has shown couples with closeness and friendship established can have the closeness of the relationship carry them through rough patches. I know that sounds very intuitive but there are times in our relationships when we experience higher amounts of conflict or we have been feeling disconnected for a while. Repairs are going to take more work and effort during those times because we won’t have the easy, connected peace between us to give us the grace needed to carry us through. If a conflict comes up and you have become emotionally flooded, taken a break, and are coming back together for a conversation or have worked through a conflict and are in the repairs process here are a few ideas to make the coming back together feel less awkward and connected. These are techniques you can use if you or your partner weren’t able to stop the conflict early on and are now in the process of repairs after a full fight or conflict.
A 3-breath hug
"When you hold a child in your arms or hug your mother or husband, or your friend, if you breathe in and out three times, your happiness will be multiplied at least tenfold." -Thich Nhat Hanh
Hug each other, drop your shoulders, and take 3 deep synchronized belly breaths together. This creates a state of calm, connectedness, and mindfulness. This is a great way to reconnect, restart, and be ready to let things go or you can do this before starting repairs. So, using a 3-breath hug can give us some interconnection and smooth the path forward.
Holding Hands
Holding hands is one I see in my office often. Couples will practice skills while touching in some way. Offering your hand after a conflict is a safe, easy way to provide connection, that can even be palm to palm, if full contact feels like too much in the moment, just some sort of connection. Research has shown holding hands lowers stress responses, lowers heart rate, increases our ability to cope with stress, and holds meaning in a society of unity, passion, and care. What a great way to come back together for a conversation or at the end of a conflict, in unity, passion, and care.
Shake Your Butt
Shake your butt technique, yep you heard right, just start shaking your booty, then check-in, how do you feel? Couples report feeling more lighthearted, laughing at themselves, and ready to come back into connection. This works because the movement can complete the stress cycle and bring us back into our bodies.
Swaying
The swaying technique builds on the concept of mirroring. We are born with mirror neurons designed to increase learning, connection, and empathy with others. Coming together after a conflict and swaying together allows the firing of those neurons. Mirror neurons do 3 important things for us during these moments, 1- they allow us to understand what our partner is doing, 2- they allow us to empathize with our partner, and 3- they show us our partner’s intentions. This is important either after taking a break or after a conflict because it brings us back to reciprocity and connection. So, we have either become flooded meaning we moved into fight or flight and taken a break, or we have fully engaged in a conflict now our partner may not fully feel safe to us. So, coming back and moving together with eye contact and movement allows our brain to say, hey, here my partner is they are joining me in movement, I can see what their face is saying, I can feel their emotions and I can see their intention is to connect with me and reunify in safety moving forward. So, how to sway, come together as close as you would like, touching or not touching either is ok, make eye contact, you can play music or just start to move in a back-and-forth motion together for at least 3 minutes. The 3 minutes of eye contact might seem like a long time but is the amount of time needed for your brain and neurons to reboot and reconnect.
Whisper
Whispering in a world of loud voices is powerful, especially after coming from a conflict or a break due to emotional flooding. A whisper speaks volumes to our partner. Whispers are intimate and bring awareness to our partner alone as we can fully focus on them and their words. This allows us to flip the script and reminds us of whispers of love, intimacy, and a shared connection between partners. So, come back together focusing on each other, and start with whispers of love, apology, accountability, or appreciation.
Go Outside
Go outside and enjoy some fresh air or a walk. Going for a walk gives us bi-lateral stimulation which assists in processing emotions in the brain. Being outside also lowers blood pressure, decreases stress, deepens breath, and allows us to come back together with a feeling of safety. Being outdoors sends a message to the brain we are safe and lowers the fight/flight response we might be having after or during a conflict with our partner. Walking together or moving outdoors brings us into rhythm with each other and a sense of well-being and connection.
Practicing these suggestions while navigating tensions during the holiday season can result in sturdy relationship bonds. Always remember that even though conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, dealing with them constructively is crucial. So, be open to making necessary repairs, and foster healthier, long-lasting relationships. We challenge you and your partner to sit down together and come up with a plan of how you are going to reconnect after a conflict, any time you have flooded or had strong emotions between each other. Coming back is an important part of reconciliation and repairs. So, as I always say create a plan to make it happen.
Have a good week.
-Penney