Debunking Relationship Myths # 1
“There is One Perfect Person for Everyone”
We seek from childhood to meet, ‘the one, ‘our soul mate’, ‘our forever partner’, ‘the one who completes us’… The belief we will meet the perfect person and will live happily ever after is a myth. Everyone we meet will have flaws and everyone we meet will have qualities we could be compatible with.
During the early blush of a relationship when the dopamine is pumping and we are deep in love, it is difficult to see any flaws. However, as time progresses, we start to notice some of the cracks in our perfect mate. If we have entered the relationship with the view of ‘this is my soul mate and the one who completes me’ these cracks can feel devastating. This leads to feelings of doubt about the person we have chosen, did we choose the right one? Is there a better choice out there? Did we settle? These racing thoughts all center on the idea of a perfect person and a perfect choice. Which leads to a yes or no, right or wrong answer. Think about how heavy and how much pressure is put on this one decision to know the future.
Once the decision is made and we do start to see the flaws do we need to start over again? NO! In choosing a new relationship or reflecting on our current one a more helpful way to think is, ‘what can I live with and what would feel impossible for me to live with’. The rest is making it work. Most of the people you date will have traits you can build a connected relationship on and traits you will have conflict over. No one makes it to adulthood without scars, beliefs, values, and set ideals. These are not all going to align perfectly with our own ideals. The most important statement is, ‘I chose you,’ and I chose you every day after that because I admire the person you are and I am fond of you despite our differences.
Fondness and admiration are shown in research by Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman to be an important part of relationships. Once we start to look for evidence of flaws and our partner not being enough we will find it. We will start to notice every flaw, every crack, and every reason why we are unable to be with this person and in this relationship. We must flip the script! We must look for ways they are and continue to be an admirable person. We seek to understand them more deeply, so their beliefs and actions make sense to us. We need to express verbally why we admire them and notice their acts of kindness.
Once we flip the script and look for evidence to prove why we chose this person we see quickly why we would choose them again. This does not mean conflict will not happen and we should be complacent. It does mean we continue seeking to learn about the person we chose and see their positive qualities. The positive perspective of our partner is what builds the forever relationship, not the first initial choice.
-Penney