Debunking Relationship Myths # 2
“You and your partner should love all the same hobbies!”
Wow, this is a pet peeve of mine!! Hearing couples talk about how they need to join each other in everything and give up their own hobbies to be a “good couple” is VERY WRONG! We are still individuals within the relationship, not just a couple. I find time with myself and exploring my interests to be very nourishing for feeding my soul and fighting burnout. My partner and I have varying interests, some we enjoy doing together, and some we enjoy doing separately. The Gottman institute breaks a healthy relationship into 7 levels. The 6th level is making life dreams come true. This level is about us supporting our partner’s dreams and according to research comes before level 7 which is creating shared meaning and doing activities as a couple.
Time doing our own hobbies and activities keeps our lives and relationships from getting boring and monotonous. Research has shown finding new activities instead of getting stuck in a daily routine loop creates interest in the relationship. Humans are creatures of novelty and need newness to keep us interested and maintain attention. If you notice feelings of stagnancy in your relationship or personal well-being this might be a sign to take up a new hobby or re-spark an old love. Our partners love to see us thriving and excited about things in our own life they can then support you in.
Another reason for taking time for yourself and having your own interest is to give time for self-care. During together activities I strive to be mindful of my own needs and take care of myself, however, if I am participating in an activity with my partner, I have to be mindful of both of us instead of me. I ask about food, activities, levels of energy, and time together to gauge how they are doing. The activity is cooperative, and each decision is cooperative, it is not about taking time to take care of myself and my emotions or needs. I need time to focus on how I am feeling, what I want, what my body needs, and what is going on in and around me. Having separate activities provides me the opportunity to be more in tune and I can return to my partner more attuned, compassionate, and fulfilled.
Getting involved in something new makes us more interesting and well-rounded people. Exploring our own likes and keeping our brains active improves our mental health. Taking time to focus on ourselves and our own mental health takes the pressure off of our partner to provide for and meet all of our needs. This allows us to make independent decisions and place less of a burden on relationship needs. Improved mental health improves every aspect of a relationship and improves our partner’s desire and interest in us.
If you have been waiting for your partner to gain interest in an activity before you go and try it, you might reconsider your plan. You can go participate in the activity on your own, with your own group of friends or family, and embark on new journeys to then tell your partner about. You can also get excited and supportive of your partner when they want to take on a new adventure on their own. Ask questions about their new hobby or activity, research or help to buy them any gear they might need, or be there as a supportive ear as they are in the weeds of learning something new. We can all be supportive partners and receive support for the activities we want to take on. I hope you can all find new joys and encourage your partner to do the same.
-Penney