What are Your Rituals of Connection?
How to Build More Rituals of Connection in Your Relationships
Hi everyone! Tori here. Let me start by saying how excited I am for our first camping retreat of the year, this weekend! I have been craving time in the mountains. I personally believe the best naps happen in a hammock. hanging from trees, listening to the river and birds chirp above you. This retreat is a couples retreat so a lot of our content has been tailored toward couples. But I believe this week's topic applies to any relationships you may have. Friendships, family, and of course couples/partnerships.
This week I am discussing rituals of connection. Let's start with the basics. What is a ritual of connection? Dr. Danielle Forshee, LLC states “A ritual of connection is something you and your partner can do together regularly to improve your relationship. Couples who have relationships that are rich in both rituals and traditions are always able to create shared meaning in their togetherness to shape their lives in a positive way” (Forshee, 2019). My definition of a ritual of connection is a habit that you do to remain connected, in touch, and familiar with someone you have a relationship with. Have you ever felt distant from someone you were physically close to? Rituals of connection should help you maintain both physical and emotional intimacy and closeness. Here are some examples provided by The Gottman Institute.
Eat Meals Together Without Screens
I find this to be one of the best ways to connect with someone. You could try a new restaurant together or meet up for lunch during work. It is also a great way to get to know someone new in your life. Notice the without screens part. I struggle with this. When I eat alone I always turn on a Youtube video or scroll through TikTok. I have found myself struggling to not check my phone while having a meal with my partner. It's a habit I am setting a goal to break. If you struggle with not knowing what to talk about, look into “Card Decks” from the Gottman Institute. They have an app but I recommend the physical cards. They have different categories with questions and conversation starters you can use to spark up a conversation while together. These also keep you from talking about your run-of-the-mill topics the kids, the house, work, etc.
2. Exercise Together
I frequent the gym often. I enjoy watching couples who exercise together or travel to the gym together and exercise separately. I usually see them laughing and smiling with each other about how grueling the workout they are doing is, helping one another with spotting on lifts, etc. I don’t know if it has to do with the endorphins created while exercising but I never see an angry couple at the gym. Exercise could also mean a walk outside, yoga, hiking, you get the idea. What are ways you could find connection rituals around exercise?
3. Share a Six-Second Kiss
Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW describes it best,
“A daily six-second kiss will increase your emotional and physical intimacy. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone), can improve our mood (for days) and can help you stay calm. Holding hands, hugging, touching, and making out can reduce your stress hormones (cortisol) and increase your sense of relationship satisfaction. If kissing for six seconds feels like too much, share a hug” (Gaspard, 2021). My partner and I share a six-second kiss every morning and every night before falling asleep. If we skip this ritual I feel a difference in a way that is hard to describe. I wouldn’t think skipping this in the morning would make a difference but I find myself feeling abandoned in a way without it.
4. Keep Dating
Take each other out on dates. You can even do dates at home. I watched a video of a couple’s date night a little while ago. They went to a craft store and each picked out a type of fabric, then they made a tie quilt with the fabric they had chosen. Date nights don’t have to be expensive or elaborate it can even be cooking dinner together and enjoying it with a glass of wine. I like to alternate who plans the date in my relationship.
5. Spend Time Outside Together
This one wasn’t on the Gottman website but here at Hilltop Wellness we are passionate about getting outside. Even if all you can manage is a short walk with your partner or a full weekend of camping like at our couples retreats getting outside together is a great way to build connection in your relationship. I own horses and I love to go on horse rides with those I want to connect with.
I encourage you to reflect on ways that you and your partner connect or used to connect. I have been with my partner for almost 3 years now and I am still learning things about him during these connection moments, I hope to continue to learn things. If you quit doing the things you used to do as rituals of connection, work on implementing those back into your life. Communicate with your partner and create a plan to make it happen. Put date nights on the calendar and prioritize spending intentional time together.
Gaspard summarizes the importance perfectly. “Never underestimate the power of intentional time with your partner. Doing fun things together can bring joy and laughter. Telling jokes, watching funny movies, or anything else that brings you both pleasure can ignite passion and keep you connected. Dr. John Gottman suggests that couples commit to a magic six hours a week together, which includes rituals for saying goodbye in the morning and reuniting at the end of the day. Sticking to these rituals will help you to reconnect when life gets in the way.” (Gaspard, 2021).
I encourage you to check out the article I quoted. Here is all the information.
Givemeservice. “The Importance or ‘Rituals of Connection’ In A Relationship.” Dr. Danielle Forshee, Psy.D., 8 Nov. 2019, drdanielleforshee.com/the-importance-or-rituals-of-connection-in-a-relationship.
Gaspard, Terry. “5 Rituals to Reconnect in Your Relationship.” The Gottman Institute, 30 Mar. 2021, www.gottman.com/blog/5-rituals-reconnect-relationship.
