The Ebb and Flow of Connection in Your Relationship
How time, family, and life events create a natural ebb and flow for you and your partner.
The Ebb and Flow of Connection
I am coming up on 21 years of being in a relationship, almost half of my life, and I have been reflecting on how it has and will continue to change over time. It is easier to see the long-term change and transformations our relationship has been through throughout the past 21 years however, I have recently been reflecting on the smaller week-to-week or day-to-day changes that take place in my relationship as we go through different seasons of the year and seasons of life.
The holiday season is incredibly busy at our house, and I embark on many different projects and commitments. I often feel distant from my partner during these times, and I know in the past this distance has brought up anxiety and questions about the health of the relationship and at times caused conflicts due to my fears. This past week I refocused on our relationship as part of the holiday recovery process we spoke about last week. We took time to get out and do some new activities including going to the media store in the mall and looking for new records for the record player my partner got for Christmas. I realized as my partner and I were sitting on the floor searching through vinyl records and laughing like adolescents how connected I felt at that moment versus a week ago when I was still focused on the holiday. This moment of reflection brought with it a new perspective on allowing there to be ebb and flow in the connectedness of the relationship. I know myself, as well as my partner, have times when we are more introspective or focused on something outside of our relationship which takes our energy away from it, however, this does not mean there is less of a relationship or any need to be alarmed. Again, I think of this as understanding the nature of balance. Balance does not mean all things are equal at one time. Balance is the different levels of give and take which create an overall balance through time such as cycles within nature like the weather, water, daylight, etc.
The Gottman’s research recommends spending 5 hours a week focused on your relationship. This time is very important, and I recommend this for all couples. However, thinking about times when my energy and focus need to be spent to a greater capacity in other areas sometimes makes it impossible to maintain the 5 hours a week. In the spirit of self-compassion, I am going to look at this through a new lens that considers the ebb of flow of time and attention I have available. However, ebb does not mean neglect. During the times I have less energy and attention to put towards my partner there are a few daily/weekly things I find helpful in maintaining the connection.
✈️ The first is departures, for my relationship not taking the time to say good-bye and create a moment of connection prior to being apart brings up feelings of loneliness and being forgotten throughout the day. The small moment it takes to give a kiss, hug, and say good-bye brings a feeling of connection all day long which is important.
🏡 The second is homecomings, I am usually home after my partner and our routine is for me to find him and check-in. Taking the time to make a verbal and physical connection upon returning home is essential for our relationship. This is something we prioritize regardless of how busy either of us is because of the feeling of disconnection which comes from neglecting this.
🗣️ The third is taking at least 10 minutes per day to do a stress-reducing conversation. We don’t walk through the entire skill but do a modified version based on the amount of time available. I will take about 5 minutes to vent about my day where he provides validation, asks questions to demonstrate he is listening, and then we switch roles. This is about half of the prescribed time but works for us during a time crunch.
🙋♀️ The fourth thing we do is take the time to check in at least one time a day to say hello, I love you, did you arrive safely, or how is your day? This is usually a quick text or phone call and maintains the connection during the day.
🍳 The final thing we try and do is have breakfast together at least 1 day during the weekend. This is one thing that can get pushed to the side, especially if one of us is traveling but we keep it in our routine as much as we can. Taking this hour to focus on each other, evaluate the past week, and focus on future goals, dreams, and desires are key to boosting our feelings of togetherness. A primary goal of this time together is to stay off all electronics, focus on each other and focus on updating our love maps and dreams.
💞 When I am talking couples through the recommended time commitment for relationships, there is often a feeling of overwhelm and then shame about not doing enough. I am committing to focusing on doing the best I can and allowing for ebb and flow in the relationship without shame or panic. I challenge all of you to evaluate what small things you can do to remain connected and check in with expectations, so you are also able to allow for compassion, balance, and variance within your relationships.
Have A Great Week
-Penney