Tina’s Personal Recovery Story
Content warning: sexual assault, addiction
It is now my turn to be vulnerable this week. I have been thinking about what I would write about all week, and I keep coming back to one event that seemed to change a lot in my life. The spring of my 7th grade year I had a normal day helped feed the horse, go to school but then I was lucky and got to go to a friend’s for a sleepover. Well, I thought I was lucky. When I got home my family was standing around the back gate and I had the feeling I was in trouble. I was not even close to ready for the words I was about to hear. My horse, Madison, my best friend had somehow been poisoned suffered and died that night while I was out having fun with my friends. I can’t even begin to describe the sadness and the guilt I have felt and sometimes still feel when I think about how I was off having fun while my rock was in pain and dying.
This event was a catalyst in my life. Madison had been a best friend and coping skill to help deal with trauma and abuse that had happened in my past. Once I lost her things slowly seemed to become harder to deal with and this continued for quite a few years after. I was never able to find a coping skill that ever equaled the bond that we had together. As life continued, I experienced more sexual trauma and even though my family and I tried to regain balance, I still kept slipping. When I went off to college I turned to drinking, Tabaco, and even smoking pot. At the time I just thought I was doing normal college stuff not realizing that under it all I was fighting the hate and unworthiness I had for myself due to my past trauma.
Eventually my body also became sick and then one Thanksgiving my mom kidnaped me from college and took me home and there I had to face both my physical health issues, and my mental health. Both were very huge tasks. Sometimes you must hit rock bottom to build yourself back up again. This can be a long process. I began participating in a Women’s trauma group and started seeing a Mental health therapist as my mother recommended. At this point I still did not see how my current actions and way of life were connected to masking my trauma and hate for myself because of it. It took going to one or two groups for me to realize what I had been fighting in my whole being for a long, long time. Through my group and private sessions I found new coping skills, began to find love in myself, and learn how to live life one day to the next with the cards I had been given. For the first time in a long time, I felt I had taken back control of my life. It was scary as hell to look down those demons and face them, but my life has been better for it. Not every day is sunshine and rainbows, but now I know I have the courage, knowledge, skills, and strength to take a good swing at it. I also know that I have a great support system that will help me and all I must do is ask.