Janae’s Personal Recovery Story
Content Warning: (Depression, suicide)
My partner and I have been going through some office renovations since we both have transitioned to working from home part time. While shifting all our things around the tiny room I unearthed boxes of old journals I have kept clear back from when I was 10 years old and up to 2017. Those close to me will know that coincidently both of those years were significant periods in my life. I was 10 when my family moved to Idaho, and I noticed my first bouts of depression and 2017, just before I turned 21, I finalized my divorce.
I ended up spending several hours reading back through each journal and was struck with the realization that depression has played a huge part in my life. I can chuckle at myself a bit because “duh, of course it has why do you think you are in therapy” but, honestly seeing page after page of suicidal thoughts, depressive episodes, and desperation written in plain words from me at 10 years old… 13 years old…17 years old… 21 years old etc. was a big “ah ha” moment around the impact it has had on my life.
I think for a while now I have thought my depression was a relatively new part of myself but looking back and being frank with myself, I know it has been with me for a very long time. So, for my recovery story I would like to speak about depression. It seems counter intuitive to talk about depression from a recovery standpoint because, for me depression is a constant companion. Something I carry around with me like a rock. Sometimes it is a small rock in my pocket, a weighted reminder of a part of myself I have grown used to almost able to forget about. And other times it is the rock in my shoe I can’t get rid of, starting out as a small annoyance and compounding step after step into an open and irritating wound immobilizing each step I take.
