Ep. 11 Finding Compromise

This episode is all about compromise. Join us as we discuss what can get in the way of compromise, what are the differences between gridlock and solvable issues, and how to step out of defensiveness when talking through compromises.

Bonus mini ep. on "the scripts for compromise"- over on patreon ⁠www.patreon.com/untanglingrelationships⁠

Interested in working with us? ⁠www.hilltopwellness.net ⁠is where you can find an upcoming event.

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Ep. 11 Compromise

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Janae: Welcome to untangling relationships, a conversation between a counselor and a yoga teacher, a gen X-er and a millennial and a mother and daughter. Join us as we explore the ins and outs the relationships with your host Janae and pending. Welcome today. We are going to talk about compromise. I feel like that needs to have a dumped on Dawn at the end of.

Yes, compromise. This is a big line. I used to joke all the time that after having a two and a three-year-old at the same time, I could negotiate world peace.

Penney: The skills of compromise with two and three-year-olds. Anyway, that's not the kind of compromise we were talking about. Yeah, although we were so the. Main aspects of compromise. We're going to be talking about, definitely apply to couples, but we want. To try and also make this. [00:01:00] Open to most relationships that you're in beginning into there's some aspect of compromise.

Janae: So feel free to take these skills and morph them into whatever. Relationships that you're engaging in. We work compromise could be compromising with your two year old.

Hello. Some of these steps are a little bit more. Needing of an adult's perspective, maybe

Penney: not. If you ask a. A two year old, what are their beliefs or dreams around an issue? They can probably tell you. Even if it's, I can do it myself and I don't need you. Uh, that is a whore belief of theirs in that moment of they're developing that moment of time that Mr.

They'll have a harder time seeing your perspective around that. That would be your challenge. Getting past that egocentric. Please have a two year old.

Janae: So go forth and apply these to as many relationships as you

Penney: can. Yes, absolutely. So let's start by. What is the bull of compromise? Why do we compromise?[00:02:00]

Hmm.

Janae: I think. The goal and why are two different things in my head? Okay. I would say it's a lie is because we're never going to find someone that has exact same. Needs and opinions. That we do. And so having.

Interactions with other people is always going to lead to things that you need to compromise on. Yeah. And then the goal. Is too. Keep their relationship going, if you are caught in something and it's either. We compromise or the relationship ends or the relationship becomes really unsteady or painful or.

Impossible for one person. Then the. Relationship is, and we'll keep going.

Penney: Yeah, I think remembering that understanding has to proceed compromise. You can't solve the problem or come to a compromise. Unless there's understanding on both sides about the why's. and the, what, what are you feeling about this? What are you thinking about this? What do [00:03:00] you want to have happen with this? What are you having a hard time letting go of? Why is this important to you?

Those are so important. So for me, The main goal of a compromise is to understand. To create a dialogue and a conversation that leads to change and working together instead of gridlock and refusal to move.

Janae: yeah.

I think something that gets in the way of that is assuming we know what. Their, why is. We know what their emotions are. Oh my gosh. If you could see my head shaking an eye rolling of yes. And yes. And yes. So many times I will tell a couple. So that's what you think, have you asked them? And I would say 98 to 99% of the time the partner will go, no, that's not at all. What I was thinking or feeling or wanted or thought or believe.

Penney: Because we do, we step into so many assumptions. So first goal of compromise is to have a conversation around it. Instead of this is what I want. This is what you want. And we can't have a hard [00:04:00] conversation, hard conversations have to happen, and that's okay. in order to be open to even having that conversation, you have to let go of.

Janae: Well, I already know how that conversation's going to go.

Penney: Please let go of that and ask the questions. Cause you really don't know. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So goal of compromise is to start a dialogue which leads to change around an issue.

Janae: Yeah. And it's important to make sure that you're sticking to just the one issue. Yep.

Penney: Don't bring the kitchen sink, leave it at home. don't get on the, I call it the merry-go-round where I can even tell you it's a couples therapists. There are couples that I have that I can tell you what their merry-go-round is. You're going to see this, and then you're going to say that. And then you're going to say this then.

And if I know it, I know how well you guys, as a couple know at right. so don't get on the merry-go-round it's about one issue. One situation. And just stick with it. Yes.

Janae: All right. Our next question is. [00:05:00] How do you find

Penney: compromise? Oh, I already brought this up. You have to yield to win. We have to be willing to really step into it with ourself about what is it that I can give up.

based off of my core values and my core needs around the issue. So being able to identify what I can give up and what I'm, I can't give up. Our important. Here's what I'm willing to let go of. Here's what I'm not willing to let go of. And having really honest conversations around that instead of.

The fight. I'll just give it all up. Or I have to hold on to it, all that all or nothing or black and white thinking. really coming into the conversation, prepared with knowing. what I'm okay with and what I'm not with. So I would say taking time to prepare is okay. If you know, you need to step into a compromise.

around an issue with, with anyone, and then also making sure that you're in a state where you can have a conversation I'm. I'm calm. My heartbeat is not rapid. I have [00:06:00] some notes maybe written down to help keep calm. If you need a fidget, bring a fidget. If you need to have the connected conversation while you're walking. So you have some bilateral that which will help to calm.

whatever that is, create a space. And a state for yourself that allows for compromise.

Janae: And come to the conversation prepared. Like you wouldn't go into a business meeting conversation without being prepared. So this is a similar thing we're saying. You can have heart card conversations and in order to have hard conversations, you have to have.

Some. Backups and planning,

Penney: not a solution. Don't come with a solution. Come with your, this is what I can give, and this is what I can't give. And I'm coming into here, what they can give and what they can't give. So we can come to an agreement. Don't come with a solution. That's the opposite of what you need to do. Become prepared to have a conversation about where you're at on the

Janae: issue.

Yeah. I, I mean, like come prepared with your own thoughts written down [00:07:00] around what are your specific needs? And like you were saying, what are you willing to heal? And what are you willing to not yield on? And also I think coming into that conversation with some. Openness to exploring. Different. Outcomes in different solutions. There's been a lot of conversations I've had with my partner where I get really stuck on no, this is the right. And only way to.

find resolution for this problem. And yeah. He will give out, I don't know, three to five alternative solutions. And. It's really funny because I definitely start to notice after. The second or third thing that I turned down. Like, I am just thinking in my heels because I'm being stubborn right now.

And it's not like any of those compromises or any of those solutions. Don't have merit and value that we could. Work through, but because it wasn't something that I already had in my head as. The way things were going to go.[00:08:00] It becomes really hard to let that. Go from for me and let the grip go. How does she embrace other

Penney: options? Yeah. How fun would it be in that conversation to have your partner say helping understand what it is? You're having a hard time letting go of where you get to explain here's.

My belief or my value, and maybe it is just I'm feeling, having a difficult time of letting go of control of the situation. And having a conversation about that because that's the important thing, not here's the multiple solutions, but help me understand the why. I'm so curious about what is making this, uh, gridlock, like hold on to issue for you and what is happening.

Janae: And I think that.

I'm. I've noticed that I can ask that question pretty easily of. Like I'm noticing that it seems like. Everything we're coming up with. There's an issue around it. Like, what is the main thing that's going on? Yeah.

Penney: It can be hard. I think when you're stuck on solutions to [00:09:00] step backwards. Uh, sometimes a cue for that can even be, Hey, let's take five minutes. And each of us write down what is coming up for us around this issue and what we want to hold on to what we don't orient. It can be just as simple as what's coming up for you around my solution. And what am I feeling as you're giving me solutions.

And let's take a minute to have that conversation. I think that it's. It's an interesting. Exercise in self understanding where I think that in the past, I wouldn't have recognized like, I think this is a control thing of feeling like every time that there's something that comes up. We always have to go with your solution.

Janae: And how that isn't interesting thing. Of. Does it really matter? Whose it is or does it matter? And if it does then.

Penney: Then then there's a core belief or a value around needing to have control over things. So I do think it matters. I always,

Janae: wouldn't say needing to have control on things. Or [00:10:00] just needing to be heard and has.

Heard spective as valued as someone else's.

Penney: Absolutely. That makes sense. But then again, that's the why behind it. So getting to the what's really happening is so important. Curiosity is such a happy place to live. Yes,

Janae: that's what I'm meaning like the whole thing is an exercise in just being curious and open to exploring.

Different ideas and also exploring, like having moments of self reflection during those conversations where you're pausing and saying. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm starting to notice. My heart rate pickup. I'm starting to notice like feelings of getting flustered in my body. Can I take a pause here and say, What is it that is going on. Can I get curious with myself?

And then go back into that.

Penney: Yeah, back into the conversation. Okay. So what gets in the way of compromise? We've talked about this a little bit, but a defensiveness. needing to arm and defend and be right. And. And I don't know if it's a control thing, as you said, or it's a, I don't feel like I'd be in [00:11:00] seen and heard.

It's also the value of asking your partner that helped me understand and what would get us to a yes. Question, help me understand what would get us to a yes. And help me understand what's coming up for you around this. Because your F you feel seen and heard, you don't have to have your solution chosen because you feel seen and heard in a different way. And it's so magical, but to have that moment of understanding,

And those moments of curiosity. Uh, another thing that gets in the way is when one partner does the self sacrifice, the fine we'll just do what you were away. Our sure, whatever you want. Those. It's a hard one. Yeah, it's hard to compromise with someone who won't create a dialogue who won't show up for themselves and let you know what it is that they want and need.

Janae: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That statement of. Whenever you want. I'll just do whatever you want. Even in the tone of that, it's like, you're not actually happy with that.

Penney: Yes. So frustrated, but you're just avoiding it some. Yeah. And you know, and then my other part of me goes. [00:12:00] Ah, Ooh, that's going to come back to bite later. Yeah,

Janae: that's right.

I was just thinking like beers, gonna hold that as something is a grudge to bring back. Against you. Instead of just like, can we just show up to the conversation now? And take care of it.

Penney: Yeah. It's something else that can get in the way of compromise. Is the myth of fairness. I had a coworker who used to always say the fare is something that comes to Blackfoot once a year. It's not something that exists in our life.

and I think there's so much truth to that. The compromise isn't about being fair. Unless you look at it from the standpoint. Of both of us. We're able to show up and everybody was heard. So there's fairness around being heard. But we are in have to give, we are going to have to yield. It's not going to go completely our way.

Janae: I don't want to ever be a complete 50, 50. One person giving one person getting. But I think the realization is when you're in continuous relationship with someone, there will be times where it spins back around to you. Yeah.

Penney: Well, I think [00:13:00] remembering if you're stuck in a gridlock where you're just back and forth and back and forth, you don't win any way. So are you not better off giving a little, having a conversation and yielding some points so that you can move forward than continuing to just be stuck?

Yeah,

Janae: that's true. Yeah. When you stay stuck in that way, neither of you are getting any of your needs met. Mine compromise. You might be getting a few of your needs met and they might be getting a few of their needs met. And then yeah, you can move forward

Penney: on, it's definitely a win for the relationship, whatever relationship that is.

Janae: Yeah. Right. If we go back to our main goal,

Question. The main goal is to keep the relationship alive and

Penney: keep it. Sorry. Yep. To move past gridlock and move into conversation and understanding. I

Janae: would say a myth that comes up is. it's just this person that is the issue. Yeah. And get into a different relationship. Compromise will be easy, or we won't even need to compromise because, you know, we don't have the [00:14:00] perfect relationship and that's not true. And

Penney: we'll have all the same beliefs and they'll underworld he'll understand me. They'll understand me better. Yeah, definitely.

Janae: I pennies used the word gridlock. And I don't know if we define that. But. I'll give her some time to define that in a second, but I think it's interesting that we think

I'll just leave and. I don't have to solve any of the gridlock issues I have with this person. I can just move into a different relationship and we won't have any gridlock issues.

Penney: So what Janae is meaning by gridlock issue is, doctors, John and Julie Gottman talk about perpetual issues or gridlock issues as issues that continue to come up over and over again in a relationship.

That are not things that you're going to change about your partner, because they're things that are a part of their personality or their core belief system. So those are always going to be there. They are not going to change. And you can't compromise around them. You can't ask them to change their poor belief or to change their personality.

I actually a lot in this. context. I'm using it just [00:15:00] as like the, the two bowls with their horns locked. That can't move past an issue cause they're just fighting each other. But gridlock issues or perpetual issues are that, this is something I'm not willing to compromise on because it's a part of who I am.

And those you're not going to compromise around. You're going to hold on to those.

Janae: Yeah. And so there's some specific statistics that they have found where. A certain percentage of the arguments and conflicts that every relationship has is around gridlock issues. And then there's a certain percentage for solvable issues.

And it's an every single relationship. So if you move into a different relationship, you are going to have the same amount. A good blog pages.

Penney: Yeah. I believe the statistic is 70%. Our perpetual

Janae: issues. I suppose it's going to say, I thought it was in the seventies.

To 70. Per cent are those gridlock or perpetual issues that. Just going to have to, we can make another episode on this, but how you get around those is you just have to accept them. You have to remember that you chose this person for a reason. [00:16:00] And there. The whatever the personality trait or core belief they has, it's getting in the way is something that you just have to find acceptance around and move forward from.

Penney: Think acceptance around, but also being able to say, so I understand this is a core value for you and you're not willing to compromise on this. However, is there a way that we can honor that core value for you and still find a win for both of us? Because I think there are ways to do that. You find that a lot with.

I have family time could be one of them that if a core value of one partner. It is spending time with their extended family, parents, siblings, and it's not a core value of the other partner. And it ends up in a, a gridlock issue of, we will spend vacations with my family and we will spend time with my family and the other partner refuses to do that.

You can refuse to compromise the state gridlocked and not spend vacations together, or you can find compromise around. I understand that's a core value for you. Is there a way we can have some give given the core value that we can have [00:17:00] percentage of time shared or. Or digging into why is there, is that a core value for you? And is there room for movement around that while still honoring it? You can't.

Not honor the need. That you can find compromise in ways to honor the need and honor the relationship.

Janae: So remembering that whether you're going into a conversation. It is a gridlock issue versus a solvable issue. Either way. The goal is still to. Find. Spaces where both of you are heard and both of your needs are getting met.

Yeah, it's never with the intention that you're going to completely change the other person's perspective. I think so often we go into conversations and we're like, I'm going to win. And in order to quote unquote, win. You have to completely change their perspective. And if it is a core value, core belief or a part of their personality, you're never going to change their perspective on that.

Penney: So we just accept that. That is what it [00:18:00] is. And then find ways to create movement and space around it. The honor stop for both of you. Yeah. Yeah.

so some tips on honoring the, on compromise. So first one is honoring the agreement. we do this a lot in the team that I work with, and have for years that if you're at the table and you say, I agree, it means you agree, you don't come back later and change. You don't talk to other people or other parts of the team or other members where you, kind of.

Kind of side talk it or, or a negative about it because once there's an agreement, there's an agreement and everybody moves forward in agreement. You don't get to come back on it. Yeah, and that can get really messy and really catty. Absolutely. In a one-on-one relationship in a romantic relationship that can turn into.

Janae: I told you this was going to happen or you sabotage it. And then like I told you, it wouldn't work. Right. Yeah. Or say I'm Willy did it your way and look what happened. [00:19:00] So if you come to the table and everybody says, I can agree and we have compromised, you move forward in compromise. And as a team, both working just as hard at the agreement.

Yeah. Once you come to a yes. And you say, yes, you are committed to the yes. Yes. All right. The next one is to take breaks as needed.

Stop trying to. Full does your way through conversation and just white knuckle through it. Allow there to be ease and flow, ebb and flow through it. And if you start noticing, like I was saying earlier, noticing agitation coming up in your body. Notice what's a what's. On the amount of time needed. Sometimes it's just a pause.

Where you say, I just need to pause for a second. Let me take a few deep breaths and. We collect and maybe get curious about what's going on. Or maybe it's I need five minutes. Maybe it's you need the full 20 to 30 minutes to reregulate and calm down before you come back to the conversation. Remembering

Penney: curiosity is one of the ways to know if you're in that centered self space. So if you feel like [00:20:00] curiosity goes and we're stepping into more defensiveness or.

Demanding and not being curious about how you're feeling or how they're feeling. It's probably time to take a break. I can get back to a place where you can be curious. Yes. Yes. Another one is. It's your relationship. Nobody can tell you the best way to have a compromise around an issue. What works for one couple may not work for you? What worked for your grandparents and your great grandparents and your parents and your aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, first once removed best friend. Maybe isn't gonna work for you.

So figure out what works for your relationship that honors both of your core beliefs and values and dreams and needs. And then go with that. Don't ask other people, don't put it out there and say, well, what would you do? What do you think? I. Find it. Amusingly annoying when I read those like so-and-so or like, uh, somebody puts us out on the internet and 5,000 people give their opinion on their relationship. It's your relationship. It's going to be your way. So if you are curious [00:21:00] about what your partner needs and about what you need.

Then you're going to come to a good compromise. You don't need to get other people's advice.

Janae: Yeah. I think that the only time that advice is helpful is if you've already gone through the conversation together and you understand each of your core needs and. There is some wiggle room one. Okay. Let's get some ideas on.

Like for example, When. Brooklyn and I'm a husband. Decided that we were going to get married. We had a conversation about the old, the only big change that was going to happen. If we got married was that our financials were going to combine. And we had an initial conversation. Where were you decided, what are the core needs around that?

What needs of security and safety and sharing and all that stuff needs to happen. And then after that, both of us took some time to look on the internet of how do other couples with their finances. Hi, bill other couples use banks and different bank accounts to make things work. And what are the actual actionable.

Steps of like [00:22:00] pulling out this percentage and taking it to this. Amount and leaving this much in your joint account. So that was helpful. But we had already had the initial conversation of this is my needs around it. And then we took that. And look forward with it. I think information on solutions as good. You can do research, but don't say so we came to this compromise. What do you think? Yeah.

Because, because depending on who you ask, they're going to have a different perception on what's. Quote, unquote fair. If you're asking your best friend, they're going to probably have your best interests. Or your you're going to be the person that they're basing everything off. You don't ever have a truly neutral party, unless maybe you're seeing a couple of therapists and as long as they're a good couple of therapists and they can stay neutral, Everyone else. It's like, if you go talk to his mom going to be completely different versus. I've been talking to my mom and it's like,[00:23:00] There's always going to be someone that is more on one person's side

Penney: than the other, though. And you've already come to an agreement, so it doesn't matter what other people think, and it doesn't matter what they do in their relationship. It's your relationship? What works for you is going to work for you?

Yeah,

Janae: I think sometimes. People can also ask for advice. Before that understanding has even been found. And then you're going into the conversation with, instead of thinking about what are your actual needs. Your values, you're thinking about what, what are they supposed to be? Yeah. What should my values be? What should my need to be here?

I mean, so-and-so said that. They should probably be this is that true for me? And it gets so hard to weed out other people's opinions. So it gets muddled. And then are you fighting for something that you actually want or you feel like you should want?

Penney: Yeah. And then are you really going to show up and be represented for what your beliefs and values are? And if you're not then whatever solution or whatever compromise, you're come to.

Won't feel like you're being honored because it's not really [00:24:00] yours. So really. You got to just be curious about you and stick it in that with a, with whoever you're compromising with Yeah.

So for our, it takes two portion of the podcast. We're going to talk about. How accountability. And, which is our antidote to defensiveness, how taking accountability. Is important in compromise and that letting down our wall. in being able to just be open. And vulnerable to what is happening in the conversation.

Is really important for any progress in the conversation, which makes a lot of sense, right? If we are. Feeling defensive and thinking that we are right. We're coming from that place of righteous indignation that we somehow take the moral high ground and know better. We're really not going to be, in a place to compromise. And if we're feeling defensive and that we feel like our partner.

Is attacking us or not hearing us, Because we're not willing to let him in and be vulnerable. It's really hard to compromise without vulnerability. Don't you think? Because you have to really be willing to put out there. This is what I [00:25:00] want, and this is why it's important to me. And this is what I'm willing to do to make the compromise happen.

And if we are. I always think of defensiveness, like, you know, defending the castle, the Knights, the, and if you are defending the wall and defending the castle, You're not letting him, but anybody into create compromise and have a, a peace discussion or a treaty discussion. Right. Yeah, exactly.

The image that I was thinking of. Like, if you imagine. Where we've talked about defensiveness and criticism, being that attack and defend attack and defend. If you're setting it up, that you want to find a compromise in a situation. If you're feeling. Attacked or if you're putting up a wall to try and defend against attack, whether your partner is using criticism or not.

It really can become, It just perpetuates that. blocking and. It becomes more of a true fight. I'm defending yourself and. [00:26:00] When we're talking about compromise, I think it's really helpful to think about it in terms of like diplomacy and finding, you know, that. Middle ground too. Meat on and say, okay, here's the things that I'm willing to concede with. Here's the things that I'm not willing to and go from there. And yeah, like you said, if you're not.

Open to being vulnerable enough to talking about it in that open way, then. Like, if you're trying to keep some of your, your cards hidden or some of your plans hidden away, and you're not being truly open and honest about what your wants and needs are out of fear that they won't show respect it. Then it's not going to be a productive conversation.

I used to think. And this may be slightly off topic, but I've been doing some breathing around the a hundred years war. Between England and France and other parties that were involved in that. But the population [00:27:00] of the. the French populist. Where does it go? The peasants, I guess you would say, right? The.

That peasant class were was. Demolished. It was lowered significantly because of this like defend attack, defend attack. And even when treaties were signed people, not coming to the table, honestly, and vulnerable with what they really wanted, but always looking for a. way around it. And if you think about that throughout history,

Setting up that in relationships that a. I'm not really going to be vulnerable with you. I want my needs met. I know better than you. That moral high ground righteous indignation place, or even that. Defensive. I'm just not willing to really step into the vulnerability and have an honest conversation. it's created a lot of damage in the world and I think about what that does in our current relationships. And I know I'm taking.

Big right. With a lot of factors, recognizing historically there's a lot more factors than what I'm putting in there. But if you look at that human behavior, That what we have in [00:28:00] our own relationships, who are the people that get demolished. And that is that. Children is that coworker is that family members is that friends that really get, they get to be on the other side of the, that conflict between two people. Instead of being able to let down the defenses have a vulnerable conversation.

And really step into a place of compromise. You have to stop being defensive. And we have to come to the table. That's the only way that works. Yeah. And defensiveness kind of is a one of. The more elusive of the four horsemen that got forgotten and talk about. At least for me, I find it really hard to.

Point out in my partner and also point out in myself. I like being able to identify, oh, that was a defensive statement. And so I think that maybe it'd be helpful to give. A few examples of. What. Some defensive statements look [00:29:00] like. Defensive statements look like anything that takes us away from connection and accountability.

So for me, that could be, things like, well, this is how I do it and you're doing it wrong. That's not righteous indignation, right. That somehow I know better than you. It could look like I'm doing the. Kind of like, I'm just a terrible person. Self-deprecating statements. It can look like that. It also like.

All I know. I'm always the bad guy. Yes. Yeah. It's like it shuts the conversation up. How do we create change? 'cause you know, where do you go from there? Yeah, you've taken yourself completely out of the equation. Yeah. Another thing is that like the world is against me kind of feeling of, oh, I know the stars are misaligned or my, horoscope said that things would go badly today. Again, that's an.

opposite of accountability. Instead of I made this choice or I can make this choice to get to this place. [00:30:00] It's a, Hmm. Things are just out of my control and I'm just not accountable for the bad things that are happening. That's a defensive statement. Everyone's out to get me. Yes. You're always out to get.

Yeah. Yeah. Any of those? Are definitely that defensive. Also the, you did this to me. Those are big ones. Those are defensive statements to, again, they keep us from taking accountability because with the, put the blame somewhere else. So if you're thinking about anything that you do, that puts the blame on another person, towards another person towards the universe, the stars, the.

Whatever it is right. That is stepping out of accountability and stepping into defensiveness because we're not taking accountability. Remember. Accountability opposite of defensiveness of it's something that keeps you from being accountable. It's a way to defend in a different way. Criticism is a, is a very, almost like using the sword sort of defensiveness, right? Where your.

Your defensive statements are those victim statements, do it in a different way, but it's still a form of defensiveness in order to hide behind the [00:31:00] wall or blame something else. Like I caught myself a few months ago, saying to my partner, how do you think this made me feel. That's like a double combo of criticism and defensiveness. Sure.

Pound it into one. Cause you're not taking accountability for your own feelings, right. Or for what your part was in creating that. And criticizing your partner for creating that feeling for you? Yeah, absolutely. Those are big pens. Yeah. For me a better way to describe defensiveness happens in my body. I feel defensiveness at my core. I feel.

I mean, you could describe it in myself as like a building a brick wall up my spine. And I feel that that either I'm going to hide behind it. Or I'm going to attack, but I feel it inside my body. Yeah, I definitely can relate to that of like, Criticism and defensiveness both have very strong physical sensations and feelings behind them.

[00:32:00] And sometimes they're like a combination, like I was just talking about, but sometimes yeah, they're definitely very separate word. It just becomes a wall like sometimes using even. the silent treatment, which might be going into more stonewalling. But it definitely is a defensive tactic. Sure. Or even avoiding the conversation.

I'm not going to make eye contact with you. I'm going to busy myself with. Doing housework. So I don't have to engage in conversation with you. That's another one that I do. Yeah, these are all defensive and saying. Yeah, I think you can look at that. As either you can become the wall, right. or you can hide behind the shield and I think the blaming other.

Things. for the behavior or the situation or the experience, your thoughts is more like building the shield. Where the making the statements about, you know, I know more than you or, if you hadn't have done this. although that's more of a criticism. I think. You can either become the Waller, the shield, but either one you're still creating distance. You are creating space. [00:33:00]

Instead of taking accountability. I think about when someone criticizes you, right. Instead of getting defensive and saying, well, I did this because we're, you made me feel this way. If we can just take a minute, let down the defensiveness and just say, so what I'm hearing is that this was your experience and that this is how you felt because of my behavior. And I'm really sorry for my behavior and how that might've come across to you, even if it's not how I meant it. Right. I can still.

Apologize for the harm that that did to you, and really step into that accountability. It changes the conversation. It changes the entire experience. Yeah. And then if they did use criticism to bring that up to you. It creates a lot more open ground. Then say in the future, please don't. Bring it up in this way.

Can you use a. Another skill to like our soften startup to engage in that. Sure. And then, and you can validate them and then step into that. You know, [00:34:00] and just so you know, I felt really criticized by that statement. Is there a way that maybe you can restate that? I use that with my partner a lot and with myself of, can I try that again?

let me replay that or let me try that again, or, wow. I hear how that came out. Could I have a second chance at that? I use that a lot. It's good to mention that because these. Conversation. So pause. I don't know. These horsemen, they. I have often become so ingrained in the way we talk to people within our relationships.

If you've listened to our episode eight, where we talked as business partners. We talked about how horsemen were coming up, left and right between all of us in business. So it's not just within your romantic relationships, but it's within a lot of relationships. One, sorry. Did I interrupt? And if it did I apologize? Go ahead.

It's within a lot of relationships. And so it's important to recognize, like it's going to take several tries to [00:35:00] eventually break those habits down. So being able to say to your partner or to whoever you're talking to. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I try that again? Can I have a do over. Can we rewind and replay, or even if you're the one catching it. Like if you're not the one saying it, you can tell them, Hey.

I'm noticing that that was a defensive statement. Can you try that again? Yeah. That's really changed things. Yeah, one form of defensiveness. I want to bring up because probably because this one gets me sarcasm. Sarcasm is such a defensive stance, right? Because it's so keeps us from being able to be accountable.

Uh, throws it right back out there. And does it, doesn't give you any place to go. But you're right. These happen in every relationship. So being able to recognize and ask for a do over and again, that's accountability. So as soon as we step into asking for a do-over and taking accountability, we've stepped out of defensiveness. That's the magic moment.

Yeah. So if you're noticing these coming up. Give [00:36:00] yourself. Grace, but also give yourself the opportunity to take accountability and saying, oh shoot. Okay. I realized that I have a pattern of doing this. I'm going to try my best to break it. And maybe that's even a conversation you have with your partner where you say.

Hey, I'm noticing that this is what I try and say to Dodge things. Here's what I'm going to try and do better. Can you help me with that? and always from a place of like gentle reminders. Yeah.

All right, we're going to. Now take the time to spin the real.

Number two. So an even so our question, my thought is what is one myth that you have heard or believed, before around compromise? Woof.

I think there is a very strongly held belief that is completely untrue, that at the end of compromise, there's going to be like happiness and peace in a field of wild flowers where you hold hands [00:37:00] and skip to the sunset. That is not how compromise works. Right. Compromise. Everybody has to give a little.

But I think it's that thinking about your, your two Rams on a bridge, right? As long as there are budding horns, nobody's going to go anywhere. You're just going to stay there. And so in order to cross the bridge in order to move forward, there has to come to a place where you give a little, I may give a little and you can continue on.

So, if you want progress, you have to be willing to compromise and give something up. It doesn't do any good to refuse to yield.

Yeah. Or that myth of it's always going to be a perfect 50 50. Yeah. Which is not true either. It's really less about, 50, 50 and more about did I honor my core beliefs and values. And as long as I held to those, I can compromise, and did my partner where their core beliefs and values honor.

And if they were, then they're willing to compromise. So I think it's really being able to break down, what am I willing to give out and what am I not? And then really funny movement around those pieces. Right, because if he are. If [00:38:00] you get into a compromise and you choose not to hold to those core beliefs and values.

You're going to leave you feeling awful and it will probably make that compromise either. Really really hard to hold or it will build resentment. And we know resentment leads to contempt, which is a huge breaking point in a lot of people's relationships. Or it's another form of defensiveness, right? If I give everything and then I go, oh, I'm the self-sacrificing person that just gave everything up in order for the sake of this compromise. Again, we've created distance instead of vulnerability. And we have taken accountability for, I didn't hold to my boundaries and I didn't hold to my values.

And I made the choice. I said yes. I didn't feel it yet. Yes, exactly. So it's not something that I can live with, but instead I'm going to be then that. That place of a martyr. so again, another form of defensiveness, because it keeps things from really being accountable and moving forward. All right.

[00:39:00]

Oh, I got an uneven, but I feel like we should just move to OD.

I went out pretty good. so what is the hardest part of compromise for you? For me, I would say the hardest part of compromise is probably pretty common with a lot of people where it's. Stepping into the, stepping to the table with understanding what the court needs. Really. I feel like there's it's, it can be a really small issue.

That you're like, okay, this should be easy to compromise around, but once you start having a conversation with your partner and start digging into it, it's like, oh no, Like you were saying, this relates back to a coordinator value that I have, which means it's no longer a small thing. It's now a big thing. Cause attacking my core personhood. Yes. And typically that's when you end up in those, those gridlocked moments because you are.

Having to compromise or make movement around core beliefs or values, as soon as [00:40:00] you kind of crack that code and you realize, oh, this is where this is coming from. This is why I'm digging my heels in so much. It can help because sometimes there's a. Feeling within me where it's like, am I just being difficult to be difficult? Like, where is this coming from?

I just got a person or I just don't want to let my partner have things. And it's helpful to remind myself of no, there's just something deeper underneath it. I just need to figure out what it is once you figure out what it is. It's like, oh, okay. It's. It's so much easier now to figure out. What am I willing to yield on and what am I not? And then that makes that conversation a lot easier.

Yeah, but trying to find. Those initial needs.

It can be really hard. Sure. Taking the time to do it and taking a step back to say, oh, hold on. I need to really evaluate what's coming up for me with us. Yeah, because sometimes I find myself just digging the hole deeper. And so I'm doing that. So I would say that is the hardest part for me. Okay.

Are you ready for our [00:41:00] rapid fire? Sure.

I think we can. I'm going to make my question around a couple of things. So I would say. What is. I gratitude you have for your partner today.

Um, I owe so many, actually I could probably list you 20 things right now that I'm so grateful for my partner around. We've been having water issues at my house and he is. Amazingly determined to watch a thousand YouTube videos until he problem solves it. I decided I wanted to do a cement project at my house that he is tirelessly helping with. And he's always concerned about my health. We also had some hard couples conversations this weekend around vulnerability and compromise and relationships. And he.

I hung in there used to skills, took us a couple of days to. To come to the core issues and being willing to step into that. And, and so that's, my top is at three, my top three. Gratitudes around [00:42:00] my partner, that are big things. And I really, I could give you a list of the gratitudes I have for my partner.

I love that you mentioned that it took. A few days of coming around towards. I think that there's this maybe going back to those myths. I'm answering the question. I think going back to those missive, like, you'll come up against an issue. You'll sit down and you'll just work it out and, you know, 20 minutes to an hour and then it's all better. And.

I think that. Maybe it's like the longer you're together or maybe the more complex of an issue it's like, it could be several. Meet ups too. Get together. Talk through some things you maybe get a little bit more clarity and then you need to take a break and then you come back into it a little bit later. Like it's like a whole.

Process. Process of rumbling and then coming apart and then rumbling and coming apart and slowly making your way there. I think that's helpful. Yeah, absolutely. I can tell you, at the beginning of our [00:43:00] relationship, I was, uh, let's hash it out all at once person. And I learned, and I can't tell you when I discovered this pattern, but it really works better when we have a bring it up.

And then there's a taking space. and then he will reapproach me. And we will have another conversation around it. And that will end a little better and then there will be a third attempt. And the third attempt is usually the successful one. So I can tell you pretty much every time there are three attempts.

getting to a place, of moving through a problem. And that's our pattern. It's been our pattern for years. And, it has created a much. And we've talked about flooding, emotional flooding and how we need to take that time. And I really think we naturally did that of taking space, coming back, taking space, coming back to being able to get to a place of that, where it doesn't lead to the.

The blow of, and the anger, but really just more of a calm conversation of. Yeah. I had time to think about this here's ways I'm being defensive or here's why I need to be [00:44:00] accountable for my side of things, or I really don't think I'm understanding your perspective, help me understand in a better place. So.

That's kind of a tangent, but yeah, that's our pattern. I have noticed that with some of the bigger conversations my partner and I have been having recently where it's like, We'll come to have a discussion around something and then we'll both take space. And it really is like that percolating time in between where you're not.

In the conversation, maybe you have a little bit more space within your brain and your body to ask yourself deeper questions where you don't feel like you're on the spot or. You don't feel like there's pressure or you might get into some flooding. and so then when you come back, it's like, oh, okay. I have even more questions or I have a better.

Way of seeing your perspective now, because I took some time to think about it. So yeah, I think that that's an important maybe myth to bust, like. Yeah. Like you said you don't have to. [00:45:00] Go in there and.

Get it all done right in one go. Yeah. Really taking space and taking time as, okay. I think there's this fear that our partner's going to forget, or we're not be willing to reengage. And I do think one thing over the time of our relationship, you know, we've been married for a long time that we've learned to trust that it's not just going to disappear and go away there. We're both invested enough in the relationship to see that through.

And I think building that trust is important. Yeah, I've definitely done that where we have let things go and then it's like, Oh, well,

Yeah. Just let it, just let it go. And. it always eventually comes back around. Yeah. you can laugh at the astrology part of that because as I think about it, my husband's a Tarus so he's the bull, right? So he's going to hash it out. So nothing gets forgotten. And I'm a Libra, so everything has to be balanced again. Accountability is kind of my thing. so neither one of us is, I don't know if there has been an argument we have ever let go.

I can honestly say that we've probably [00:46:00] hashed every single one of them out. Um, I can't think of one right now that we have anyway. Yeah. Yeah. So just creating some normalcy around. That is who we are as people in our personalities. And has it. It's strengths and its challenges with it. Yeah. So maybe a fun challenge to.

If you're listening to you and your partner, like. What are your rhythms and patterns and just allow those to become your normal. You don't have to sit down and have everything magically. No. You don't. It is a natural thing. So maybe I'll give you the same rapid fire question. what are some gratitudes you have for your partner? I know your anniversary is coming up. So I'm thinking about this is a much different week than it was last year at this time.

And, uh, what gratitudes are you having come in around that? I think. Really a lot of gratitude around. The safety and connection that we've really created for each other. We just got done with a really big [00:47:00] family weekend on his side of the family. And. It was nice to be able to have that. Safe space and relationship to be able to fall back into after.

You know, several hours of being in the big group, it was like all I'm going to take some space and it wasn't a big deal to do that. Or we both were taking space together and. Both using each other to regulate during that whole weekend in. If we didn't have the foundation of safety within us, I could definitely.

See where that could have caused tension in our, we could have like ended up fighting or causing arguments within us. And instead I think it was really. Great so that we went the other way, where it was, it was a push towards more connection. So I appreciate that. And I appreciate. A lot of acts of service that he does for me.

Um, So. Yeah. I think that when we're coming up towards the anniversary, it just, it feels really weird where it's like, [00:48:00] No time has passed, but a lot of time has passed on at the same time. So it's a little weird, but. Yeah, very grateful that. We are where we're at. So excited for. More anniversaries com.

Yeah, that's awesome. It's a fun place to be.

All right. So this is the end of our episode for today. And if you want to hear more about compromise, We're going to be heading over and recording our mini episode where we're going to break down the script for compromise. So if you're coming to a conversation and you're like, I just need to know what to say.

What are some of the outlines of things to say, We're going to be talking about that and giving you that information in our mini episode, over on Patrion, you can check that out. For $5 a month, along with all the other 10. Mini episodes that we've done with every other big episode we have, and you get, access to all of that [00:49:00] over.

At patrion.com/tingling relationships. So you can go check that out.

Catch you in our next one. Yes. Good luck with accountability. Yeah. Go have those compromised conversations. Absolutely. Bye bye