Does Good Chemistry Mean They Are the One?
Relationship Myth #4
Chemistry Means they are the One….. A great amount of mysticism and magic is mixed in with romantic attachment. Research has shown this is far from the truth. What we do know about finding the one is, we choose a partner based on a list of their positives and negatives, choosing the person who has negatives we can deal with and positives we admire.
Naturally, the brain plays tricks on us when we meet someone new. We feel the rush of neurochemistry around novelty and newness. Phenylethylamine, norepinephrine, and dopamine play important roles in, “falling in love.” Phenylethylamine is a stimulant that releases norepinephrine causing our heart to race, hands to sweat, increase in energy, change in appetite, and a giddy feeling which hits the rewards and pleasure centers of the brain. The reward center of the brain releases dopamine creating a feeling of pleasure and, a “they are the one,” feeling in our body. This chemistry does not mean we are in love, it is the excitement of someone new in our lives and the hope of a relationship that triggers neurochemistry.
So, how do we choose a partner and keep choosing that partner day after day? The answer to that question is acceptance and looking for the positive. Once the initial rush wears off and the neurochemistry winds down to normal levels the work of evaluation begins. We move into the role of investigator/evaluator regarding our new partner in a new way. We start to make comparisons and ask ourselves the questions, “Am I ok with this,” “Is that something I can live with,” “Is this behavior a deal breaker,” and “Do they fit into my world.” Maybe you have been aware of this in relationships, as you reflect, you can probably think of moments when you have asked yourself and maybe others these questions. This is an important part of the process of being in love. We go through this with every person we evaluate for becoming our partner. We move through this process until we choose someone who has the positive traits we desire and the negative traits we can work with and accept. All humans have eccentricities and qualities we are going to struggle to live with, the goal is to decide who is the most compatible person for us.
Once we have chosen a partner the next step is to focus on making it day to day in building compatibility. When thinking about the process of choosing and accepting our partner, it is understandable that there are peaks in divorce in the first 1-2 years, around 7-8 years, and after 20 years because of the adjustment period in a new relationship and if a couple does not maintain the relationship. Here are 3 ways to maintain our relationship once we have chosen our partner:
Choose your partner again daily. Create a routine that allows you to see the positives in your partner each day. This routine can look like writing it down for yourself, texting your partner to let them know an attribute you admire, making it part of the morning to identify something you are grateful for with your partner or any other way of showing you notice. One thing this does is train our brains to look for the good stuff and focus on the positives.
Accept your partner for who they are. We need to fully accept our partners for who they are and not for what they could be. The acceptance process starts early in the relationship and continues for the remainder of the relationship. There is always room for compromise and change that happens in relationships however, we need to accept them each and every day for who they are.
In relationships, there are solvable issues and perpetual issues. Perpetual issues are those which are personality and core belief differences between partners. We need to find acceptance around perpetual issues by seeking understanding instead of conflict and judgment. Spend the time to ask questions and truly seek to see your partner’s perspective. Understanding creates space for acceptance.
So, whether you are seeking a new relationship, in a new relationship, or in a long-term relationship remember to look for the positives, choose your partner daily and seek to understand perceptions instead of judgment.