How to Show up for Difficult Conversations, Especially During the Holidays
“For many, families can be a minefield of differing views, opinions, and generational gaps which makes conversations fraught with sticky situations.”
In looking at one of the most searched-for topics around the holidays, ‘how to have difficult conversations’ is one that comes up. So, let’s talk about this. For many, families can be a minefield of differing views, opinions, and generational gaps which makes conversations fraught with sticky situations. I know there are many comments made in my office about dreading family gatherings and how to cope with the stress of what to say, not to say, how to escape if needed, when and how to set boundaries, and when to avoid family for our own mental health. So, instead of talking about avoidance let’s talk about ways to be successful.
Start with a positive perspective. Entering any situation expecting the worst will generally become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Looking for ways people are being offensive will create a mindset of seeing everyone with negative intentions. So, flip and focus on ways your family is supportive, things you have in common, and positive things you want to gain from the gathering. I work with individuals who don’t have a family to gather with for the holiday and experience a high amount of loneliness, from this perspective being grateful for the family and love we do have is important.
The power of discernment is important in any situation, especially during family gatherings. As you head to a family gathering really think ahead about what topics you hold strongly to and are not willing to compromise your values around. Really focus on choosing your battles and be decerning about the hill you want to die on. The power of discernment allows us to decide would a conflict impact any children around us and cause them to feel unsafe or create riffs in relationships we are not ready for emotionally. I recommend keeping a saying ready such as, “This is a topic I find offensive can you please not talk about it around me.” You most likely are not going to change someone’s perspective at a family or holiday event, however, you do not need to be a part of conversations that go against your values and beliefs. If you find yourself around someone who won’t let the topic go you can choose to engage in a calm way, relocate yourself, or leave the event. All of these actions make a clear statement about where you stand.
Perspective-taking is truly seeing something from another’s perspective and understanding there is no right or wrong in the world, only perspective created by personal experience and seen through the lens of each person’s life experience. During events think about conversations as a way to gain understanding about others and not to argue for correctness, truly hear what others are saying, remember there is no right or wrong, only perspective, and see if there is some part of their perspective you can validate and understand. You may know ways to refute their perspective, however, you can honor them by seeing the world through their lens. It will increase your knowledge in many ways. This does not invalidate your perspective but enriches your understanding of the person, world, and relationships.
During conversations with others focus on what topics bring up feelings for you, what those feelings are, and how those feelings are impacting your body. Remaining curious about ourselves and asking, “Why am I feeling or reacting this way,” allows us to stay in control of emotions and gives us the power to recognize when we are starting to feel emotionally flooded so we can take a step away. You always have the right to walk away without reason or excuse. If your nervous system kicks in and brings up the fight or flight response, you can honor it by moving to another part of the room. Remember it takes 20 minutes to bring our system back online where we can reengage in conversations in a regulated way so take as much time as you need.
Reframing can be a helpful tool during conversations when we are able to see how intent and beliefs come up for others. I come from a belief we are all doing the best we can and try to keep that perspective when spending time with others. I am far less likely to feel flooded when I take a minute to think about why someone might have the core beliefs, fears, and values they do. I may not agree with them, so I take a minute to reframe it around them doing their best, coming from a place of fear or possibly a place of ignorance. I can respond in a less emotionally charged manner when I am able to reframe it from a humanist perspective instead of a place of anger and protection myself.
I wish all of you an enjoyable holiday season when we can see others in a positive light while also holding true to our own values. I know how difficult these conversations can be and using these tools might take some practice. Best wishes to all of you.
Penney