5 Day Relationship Spring Cleaning Challenge
Join us for 5 days of relationship challenges to spring clean your relationship
It’s the start of a week of spring cleaning your relationships. We are going to be popping into your inbox a few more times this week to give you some quick tips on how you can implement some spring cleaning into your relationship and ask yourself “Am I showing up the way I want in my relationship?”
Day one is all about roles and sharing mental load between you and your partner. Spring can bring a lot of new energy and also a new list of to-do’s, chores, and activities to plan and work around.
This is a great time to evaluate what roles you hold in your relationship, which your partner holds, and where you would ideally have those roles.
Use this PDF to check through a list of roles and get clear about where you and your partner are right now.
Sometimes just getting curious and finding clarity is enough.
However, if you would like to work through moving some of these roles around you can refer back to this blog post which will walk you and your partner through the process of making changes around mental load and roles within your relationship.
We will check back in with you tomorrow on the topic of… new monogamy. -And we Can’t wait
Welcome to Day 2 of our spring cleaning challenge. Today we are talking about clearing out old implicit thoughts about what monogamy looks like in your relationship.
You can start by letting go of routines or habits that don’t serve you by adding new ones. The routines, values, and expectations of relationships have remained the same for generations although so much in the world has changed.
One great challenge for you as a couple is to update your monogamy agreement. An agreement about what intimacy and sex look like in your relationship is important and something most do not talk about as a couple.
Monogamy does not just mean you have sex with one person but lies on a continuum of what is and is not ok, such as do you share passwords to phones or emails, to is it ok to flirt, is fantasy allowed together or separately, or if you find someone attractive do you share.
Often couples find themselves in difficult situations when implicit conversations are missed and there are nuances to what is infidelity and what is not. Each of us grows up with a different idea of these concepts which can add to the ambiguity of what your agreements are in your relationship.
So, the challenge is to have a vulnerable, curious, and fun conversation about what monogamy looks like for you as a couple and then update it annually as part of your spring cleaning.
Here’s how to start:
Dr. Tammy Nelson, PhD provides questions around this topic in her book, “The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity” which we highly recommend reading.
Many of the clients we work with will be given the opportunity to go through the 40-question monogamy agreement so both partners are on the same page and it is really helpful and enlightening work.
While we don’t have the right to share the full 40-question pdf in a public forum, we do encourage you to explore at least a few of these questions.
For now, sit down and start a conversation about what agreements are in your relationship, and be specific.
Here are a few questions or topics you can discuss
How does sharing sexual fantasies feel? (Helpful or threatening?)
What we share with one another and what we don’t.
What is emotional cheating?
How far is too far with flirting?
What is ok on the internet and what is not in terms of sharing and interacting?
How close is too close of a friend?
Do we want to open up our relationship?
What do we think about polyamory versus an open relationship?
We recommend both you and your partner write out your answers to these questions and then come together to talk about what each of you feels about the topic or question.
Remember there is no right or wrong answer to these questions and it is important to keep these rules/ relationship agreements up to date by continuing to check in and talk about them.
We will check back in with you tomorrow for Day 3 with the topic of… Relationship Goals and Commitments.
Welcome to Day 3 of your spring cleaning challenge.
Spring cleaning for you and your relationship might mean bringing in space for new ideas, projects, or fun activities as we are heading into the new season. We can create new space by taking time to grieve and let go of dreams or resolutions from the past year or beginning of the year.
Research around New Years Resolutions show by March they have started to drop off so now is a good time to reassess what commitments you have made in the relationship you would like to make changes around.
One example from my own relationship is last year my partner and I decided on 3 big home projects we were going to complete. We have held onto the feelings around not getting those done and this past week reassessed the viability and what we wanted to change or let go of.
This conversation can be around finances, emotional connection, time together or any other goals you have set up as a couple.
Does this goal serve you?
Is it doable?
Does it need to be tweaked?
Not having this conversation can lead us down a rabbit hole of, ‘but you never…’ and hold the expectations against each other.
So, step out of the uncertainty and ambiguity and decide what needs to be changed and cleaned out.
My partner and I really enjoy using the Opportunity card deck from the Gottman’s app. We go through and decide what new adventures we want to have in the year and how we are going to make that happen.
I challenge you to try this approach, create new goals, and let go of those that do not serve you anymore.
You can find the couples card deck apps here for apple or here for google play
We will check back in with you tomorrow for Day 4 with the topic of… Creating a Culture of Appreciation.
Welcome to Day 4 of your spring cleaning challenge. We have one day left of this fun challenge and would love to know… How have you been doing? Click reply or hit us up on social media to let us know.
On today’s relationship spring cleaning agenda, we are going to invite you to focus on kicking out negative thoughts.
A top predictor for a relationship ending is a change in the love story narrative. Your partner starts to be the villain or bad guy and you see yourself as being harmed.
This can also show up in what we call a negative sentiment override, meaning you see what your partner does as being intentionally harmful towards you, to hurt you, or to annoy you in some way i.e “she always leaves her clothes out here just to annoy me” or “I just know he has deliberately scheduled something over the top of plans with my family”.
Spring clean your relationship by kicking these thoughts out and focusing on appreciation, what your partner does right, small daily wins, and how you can both feel appreciated in the relationship.
The goodie/ freebie today is a copy of the culture of appreciation plan and plan graphic map. You can use this skill as a couple to start this conversation and clean out the negativity 🧹
You and your partner will ask one another questions like:
How do you feel most appreciated in our relationship?
What are at least 5 things you notice and appreciate most about your partner?
How do we want to celebrate the efforts and intentions we make within the relationship?
One key thing we have noticed when working with couples on this skill is each partner very rarely actually knows how the other person likes to be appreciated/ shown gratitude.
It is always fun to see couples say things like “I had no idea you liked that” or “I didn’t realize that how I was showing you appreciation all this time didn’t line up with what you actually wanted”.
This skill really shows that no matter how long we have been with a partner, there are always new things to discover about them. And that is a beautiful experience to share with one another.
You will also get the chance to create space to dream with your partner, and ask them questions that bring you intimately closer to one another.
You will create an overall mission/value statement for you as a couple or your family to focus on. Using questions like:
Why do we think appreciation is important in our relationship/family?
How do we want our overall mindset in our family/ relationship to be?
What are ways we are going to strive daily to be mindful of each other’s good attributes?
This topic has a whole module with 5 lessons in our couples online course and is one of the activities we give to you to complete while working through the module. The two freebies today are direct copies of those skills, so if you enjoyed working through them there are many more to dig into throughout the whole course.
There are 20 lessons in total within the course that invite you and your partner to consider what would the relationship of your dreams look like, and then you get to go create it.
This is a combination of working through old forms of communication and habits that don’t serve the relationship and then replacing them with new ways of communicating where each partner feels truly seen and heard.
You get to set aside dedicated time just for the two of you to focus on the importance of your relationship- which is a true gift.
If this is a gift you want to give yourself and your partner, you know what to do- go check out the course now.
We will check back in with you tomorrow for the final day, Day 5 with the topic of… Healing old Wounds and Creating Repairs.
Welcome to Day 5, the final day of your spring cleaning challenge! Congratulations on completing the challenges over the last few days and taking the steps to truly connect with your partner.
How did the challenge go? Were you able to complete the worksheets, ask the questions, and grow together?
If you found yourself needing more accountability, guidance, or help working through the skills, then come get all of that support and more starting on Monday’s live kickoff call!
We are rounding off Day 5 of the Spring Cleaning Challenge with a bit of a big one… Healing Old Wounds and Making Repairs.
Here’s where to start
Take a moment to think about a past injury, regretful incident, or fight between you and your partner in the last year.
Do you feel like that incident was resolved? Or not?
Did you end the incident by making a repair with your partner?
Did your final conversation leave you feeling heard and seen?
Did you feel like you truly heard and saw your partner’s feelings and perspective?
When we miss essential steps in the repair process after a fight or a regretful incident we might rush too quickly towards finding a solution, moving on, or not going back to address the true issues.
We hold onto old wounds and injuries, and they continue to come up because we have not truly felt heard around the issue. We might have made a solution or compromise but unless true understanding is achieved this issue will resurface as a conflict again or get brought up as an injury until we identify what is at the core of the wound.
It is time to readdress this conversation with the intention of being understood and creating understanding not with the intention of solving.
Here are a few questions you can use to seek a more in-depth understanding during your revisit to this conversation. Use speaker and listener roles to ask clarifying questions and practice sharing your perspectives with one another.
*Take time to ask as many clarifying questions as needed for both partners to feel they understand/ feel understood.
*Do not move on until both partners feel enough questions have been asked.
*Do not move on until both partners fully understand the perspective being shared.
Listener:
Ask a clarifying question (from list the list below). It is okay to take time to review the list.
Do you have other core needs here that you want to add?
What do you really wish for?
How did this all evolve?
What are the feelings you are afraid to even think about?
Do you have any mixed feelings? What are they?
What are your choices as you see them?
What are the positive and negative aspects of each of your choices?
Do you think this has affected our relationship (or another relationship). If so, how?
How do you think things will be resolved in the next five years?
How do you WISH things would be resolved in the next five years?
Speaker:
Answer the clarifying question (be sure to give your partner time to take notes on what you are saying).
Listener:
Reflect (repeat) back what you heard, “So I heard you say….”.
Provide a validating statement for their hurt or perspective such as “I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough to share this with me.” or “I would feel the same way if I were in your situation.”
Ask “Do you feel like I understand what you are saying?” If no, ask “What else do I need to know about this?”
Speaker and Listener:
Both ask “Are you ready to move on to another clarifying question?”
If no, the listener asks for more clarification about this question. Continue giving reflections and validations for the speaker’s perspective.
If yes, move on and repeat asking another clarifying question until at least three clarifying questions have been asked.
This is one section out of four parts from our Conversation Roadmap which is a skill we developed to help couples find repair after conflict, understand the core needs they have around different issues, and slow conversations down to break repetitive argument cycles.
Parts one, three and four hit on other skills learned earlier in online course modules 1-5 around stating your needs, taking accountability, and sharing perspectives.
This skill is one of our favorites and one we personally use frequently in our own relationships.
While you were able to use one part of this skill, we hope you found more layers of understanding around the conflict and were able to see each other’s perspectives more clearly while also feeling seen yourself.
And if you are curious about the other areas covered during this skill to make repairs we will be learning all about them in our online course!
We really hope you have enjoyed working through these last 5 days of skills and hope you join us to continue the journey!