Ep. 12 How to Let Go of Fear and Control
This episode explores ideas about using control and perfectionism to combat the fear of vulnerability. How do we let go of fear and step into our authentic selves in our lives and relationships? If you want to dig into this topic even more join us at our Women's Camping Retreat on Aug. 18-20th, 2023 www.hilltopwellness.net
Ep. 12 How to Let Go of Fear and Control
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Janae: Welcome to untangling relationships at conversation between a counselor and a yoga teacher, a gen X-er and a millennial and a mother and daughter join us as we explore the ins and outs of relationships with your hosts, Janae and penny.
Penney: Welcome and thanks for joining us again. Yeah.
Janae: Welcome in. All right, where you're going to be talking about the fear of letting go.
Penney: Yes. It's been a topic, one of those pet peeve topics, right? Rabbit holes that you go down to for me for the last couple of weeks. So. Yeah. For me.
Janae: We've been gaining gearing up for our yearly women's retreat. And this is one of the topics that we are going to be talking about quite a lot at that retreat.
And so we thought we would pull some information and send it out to the masses. And then also, maybe. If this sparks interest in you and you want to come join us for. Uh, romp in the woods. Um, you can [00:01:00] come and do that. We'll get more information on that retreat. halfway through the episode. But for right now.
Penny. Do you want to introduce. More about why we're wanting to talk about this and maybe who specifically we're talking about it for, or do you want to just jump
Penney: right into the questions? I think we're talking about it for anyone specifically, this topic came up for me is I've been doing some training around, sex therapy and desire.
And really talking about that, inability to let go. And sexual relationships and be able to come to orgasm and be in the moment instead of that, kind of observer place and romantic relationships. So really. Has brought up this thought about the. The training to be in control though, we have just from childhood.
When it comes to like when you talk, when you can go to the bathroom. What you can eat and what you can put in your mouth. what words we use, [00:02:00] how we sit. How we present, like our whole world. From the time we're little is about control. Control yourself. Manage yourself. Get control of yourself. Don't cry.
Don't be too angry. Don't be too sad. Don't be too emotional. Don't be too dramatic. Don't be too everything. so really just thinking about the training that comes from that. Always needing to be in control. And just thinking about how that plays into say. History of people that, classes, classes I'm right. That the upper class were in control set.
Square straight, calm. And your lower class that were viewed to be less because they had less of that control myself kind of mentality. so definitely, I think a lot of that is training about why we hold on. So tightly training societaly and family culture. Everything. And then I think a lot of that is a fear of letting go. What, what happens if we do let [00:03:00] go?
What happens if I'm not in control of myself all the time? I think a fear of others' judgments, a fear of.
Of life blowing away of not having things lined up the way we want them. So definitely I think a cultural perspective on why we hold on and that a lot of fears that come up around letting go. I think it's interesting to think about the. Kind of paradoxical fear of. People seeing you for who you truly are, but then the pain.
Janae: Of being in relationships or being in the world and never feeling truly seen for who you actually are. Interesting. That on the other side of that.
Protection is pain and. How. It can be hard to recognize that. When you let that go, you can actually. Find more connection and being more fulfilled and happy.
Penney: Yeah, that there's pain in holding onto the control because we never really seen it hurt. Right. Because we don't show up as us. And that there's [00:04:00] pain in the letting go process. But once we do it, there's freedom.
Well, there's a lot of fear. That is an interesting paradox that it's, I'm afraid of the pain that will come from letting go. But I'm also afraid of the pain that I'm in is I don't let go. And that the only way to relieve the pain is to walk through it. Right. To go through the process of that fear of vulnerability and letting go.
Yeah, definitely. So at different times in your life, what would you say your major fears or big fears that came up for you around letting go.
Janae: I think that. Rejection is a really big piece. I've been. Researching or learning more about rejection sensitivity. Just from an ADHD standpoint, because that can be one of the symptoms and noticing that. A lot of past reflections on like past behaviors. It's like, Either trying to not be too much or too overwhelming for people.
Or. Trying to [00:05:00] mask who I actually am. And. It was interesting. Reading about and listening to other people's perspectives about how it's like, it's hard to then realize or who am I actually, when.
An R or any of these relationships authentic when I'm just. Mirroring what other people are doing or trying to be like them when we're together. In what do I actually want? And who am I? And what is my actual true personality? So that can be, I think that's. A big thing. fear around people seeing you or seeing you, and then not liking what they're finding, I guess.
Putting it. And yeah, I feel like. Most people. Can relate to this, but I feel like that starts really early on in school. Yeah.
Penney: And the second grade I think is, where that judgment starts from what I understand. we're really, the expectation goes from being like fun, free [00:06:00] drawing all your artists. Good to.
Um, maybe we need to stop it up a little bit.
Janae: Yeah. And like being adventurous and creative and like, Curious, and then. Suddenly it's like, that's not the way you're supposed to play anymore or interact with your peers anymore. And. It was nice to be able to have a space at home where. None of those things really applied.
And I think that that helped continue to develop that side of me, but it is like any time. around certain family or. In social settings when I was younger, it was like, okay, gotta flip back.
Penney: Around. Yeah. It's interesting. You talk about that. I think about my childhood and I think about just a genuine feeling of wrongness.
Around who I was as I was, uh, expressive. I don't know if I was hyper, but definitely creative and.
And adventurous. And, they're just knowing there was a genuine, genuine wrongness to who I was. I have an older [00:07:00] sister who would, you know, sit quietly and read or crochet or do the other things. Right. And that wasn't me. I didn't do the quiet domestic things because I. It was a different type of person than that.
And there was this, just this genuine sense that I was wrong because that's, that's who I was. So I definitely think for me the fears of letting go, come up around any of those things, anytime I'm stepping out of that. who I had to become to fit into that mold. And stepping back into who I truly was when I'm thinking about myself at.
Specifically around 6, 7, 8. I have a lot of memories around that and. And knowing, that I was wrong and not right. But just as a person in general. And so trying to reclaim that, there's a lot of fear of, of maybe they were right. Maybe who I am and who I show up as really is wrong. What have moments of.
Being silly or being fun or. Uh, that, you know, once you let it go and you let it [00:08:00] all go, you're going to be out of control. Definitely that out of control, feeling within myself or within the world. So really having to face those challenges. I know I had a fear for a long time of. stagnation, like you always need to be growing and changing. So eventually, you know, maybe I will get to the point that I'm enough and I'm not wrong anymore just in myself. And.
And realizing that maybe that's okay. Mike and let that go. But it took some process for them.
Janae: Yeah. I mean, reflecting back to our very first episode at the beginning of the year, one of the things that I talked about was like continuing on with the year of no. trainings similarly, like. I don't want to have to be a continual, I think I said like DIY project. Yeah.
Always improving and having to change. Try. And it's like a weird version of keeping up with the Joneses almost, but. I think that imposter syndrome comes into play and. [00:09:00] Not wanting to have anyone come in and be like, well, you don't belong here. And then I can hold up these pieces of paper and be like, oh, but I do.
Um, yeah, it's interesting that you bring that up because. I'm wondering at what age you really start noticing those things. Yeah. It is your mid twenties. And you're like, okay, I can't do this anymore. I guess mentally. And then let's, maybe you hit 30 or I've heard some other people talk about like the 48 and you really just say, I don't care anymore.
Penney: Yeah, I definitely can attest to a shift in the thirties. And I would say for me, probably forties is when that I don't care anymore. I started to come more into play. for me with the trainings that has gone from doing trainings of. You know, I have a plant come in. Here's a specific issue. I panic around. I don't know how to do this. And then I do trainings to try and be ready for the next session to, what am I curious about? What do I really want?
To learn about for myself. And build a practice around for me and not for them. definitely has been a shift. And the direction of letting [00:10:00] go of the fear and more. Again, stepping more into who I am and curiosity and what I want to learn
Janae: about. Yeah. I love that. And I've been.
I don't know, this may be somewhat of a side tangent, but you know, we'll, we'll go on it as fine. Um, I've really been struggling in my business lately of kind of. Letting things just as a lab a little bit, like not sending out. Newsletters and, and things like that and engaging with the audience and the people in the community that I've tried. I tried to build.
As I started the business and. One of the things that I just keep running into is like, I don't know. What I want to say anymore. I really don't know what I want to tell people in. One messages. I want to have be the priority and. And what the focus is. And so I really feel like until I can get more clear on that, it's really hard to decide.
Okay, I'm going to create content or I'm going to talk about [00:11:00] this. Online and send things out and. I think that curiosity piece is what maybe. I'm missing or I need to figure out like, okay, what is sparking interest in sparking joy within this realm? And how do I get back to that?
Penney: Yeah. So I'm wondering with that process.
was there shame that came up around the letting go of that regiment that you created or was there. Fear. What would you say was the. Was the feeling or thoughts that came up around that letting go.
Janae: I think it was. Sitting down to write content or write the newsletter and just being struck with paralysis of like,
One, do I have enough information to even be talking about this topic? To does anyone nearly even care about it? Or am I just speaking into the wind? And then also. It's like, does this matter to people? Am I helping anyone? Is this actually [00:12:00] interesting. So I think a lot of fear around how people were receiving it on the other side, kept me from being able to be in the moment and just write what I thought.
I felt. And. There's constant ebbs and flows. Anyone within. I would say probably in the movement industry, but maybe specifically yoga, like. Different types of times and seasons of the year. You're going to have new clients coming in or claims going out and you'll have an ebb and flow and attendance. And I think that.
I want to get better about not having that impact my confidence in what I'm doing. But right now, I'm not at that point. So more fear of not being enough for fear of. So it was more, maybe shame-based fear for you around letting go of those expectations of yourself. Got you. Yeah. I would say other comments I've heard about people's fear of letting go. [00:13:00] if it's a religious letting go, there's definitely some, some steep conversations about, you know,
Penney: Hell and the afterlife and acceptance around that, that comes up for people and letting go, depending on what they're letting go of. There are conversations of letting go around. I think the unknown, there's a lot of fear around the unknown. If I let go of this has done. What, what does it look like?
so that brings up some anxiety. what are other ones that you've seen as you've talked to friends about when they're talking about letting go of something, something of them, an expectation of themselves. or, Topic or thing, relationships. Those are hard to let go of, right? Any of those letting go. So what comes up? What is the fair? Definitely fair being alone.
That comes up. Obviously we're herd animals. So if I show up as myself, maybe I'll be alone. If I let go of this relationship, I'll be alone. If I'm not enough, I'll be alone. If I don't, I don't know, make enough money buy enough gifts. If I let go [00:14:00] of those expectations people have for me. In our relationship.
Even though I don't like those mind may be alone. A lot of fear around relationships.
Janae: Definitely. Yeah. Like that rejection in relationships and having to.
I mean, it's funny that one of the worst things media can portray about being a woman is being like the old spinster woman that lives by herself, or like, You know, has a herd of cats and never comes out of her house and is creepy. And it's like, Hmm, isn't that so interesting that. Then then it definition of like spinster woman.
really came out of no man wants you. Stuff in the lane, you know, It's gotten. There's been shifts, but I mean, way back in the day, it was like, if you aren't married at your reputable age, between like 16 to 18, I was like, I'm going to be alone forever. And that wasn't. January and fear that I think a lot of women had. Cause then you don't have.
Access to money or housing, and you're a burden to your family. And. I think that that still, I think. Even though we've moved. Through that, or pass that on quite a few [00:15:00] levels. I mean, depending on your culture and depending on where you're from, but I would say most people. Most women maybe have more access to things. but I think that that is still kind of lingering in the back of ours, of conscious of like,
If I'm not accepted, if I'm not taken into a relationship I'm less than. Yeah. So I can't let go of, the maybe body image or. things that would draw someone in to be in a relationship with me. I can't let go of those because then I'll be alone. I think about what that's like for men too on the side of, if I.
Penney: Give up this aspiration of moneymaking for something maybe that I'm passionate or I love, then I may not be an attractive partner or they have obviously men also have body image. So financial body image, stability. you know, mental health, all of those things that also come up for them, a fear. If I just let go of these expectations that have been set on me, then I will be alone and not wanted.
And also, I think that comes up on both sides.
Janae: Yeah, so much of your worst gets defined by what you do and how much money you make. And are [00:16:00] you able to provide for your family and things like that? Yeah. My partner is expressed. Feelings around that. and it is interesting that. The women's fear of letting go of their body, not being desirable. Men's fear of letting go of their. drive towards. Financial stability and money. Yeah. It makes sense. Afraid.
Penney: Yeah. And other things on both sides, I can go all the way around that. Right. It's not necessarily a gender thing, but could be there's pieces of that.
Yeah. I look at my partner in his fifties. And definitely for him, those things still come up and we've been married for 21 years. So I just think, you know, at this point, whoever you are is who I've chosen. but there's a lot of fear of if this happens or if I'm not able to do this, or as my body gets older, that then I will be somebody that's not desirable and I will be alone. And so there's fear that comes up around that.
About if I let go of these things that don't serve me and don't make me happy. That then I won't be accepted. There's a lot of fear for that. So, how do you think letting go impacts relationships?
Janae: It's [00:17:00] interesting. I mean, I kind of somewhat touched on this a little bit. I do feel like it can create such a wall of between. Friendships or families or significant others where it's like, you are trying to. Put on a mask or put up a friend and you're not showing up genuinely as you truly are. I also think that, that we've talked about the link between that fear and shame.
in our couples work that we've done as well as for the women at the retreats. We know that. When those fears and shame gets triggered. It can create defensive behavior. Or it can create a shame spiral that then triggers. Poor coping mechanisms and a spiral in one's mental health. And so when that fear is so big or it feels really heavy.
I feel like. It's easier to trigger or it becomes harder to hold up that mask. I don't know, that becomes terrifying.
Penney: Yeah. So I think it's, if I don't ever let go, and I don't ever release control, or we don't talk about this or what it would be like [00:18:00] to change it. Right. Then I don't have to go through all that fear and all that vulnerability and all of that.
I also think on the other side of that, I think about as the journey through 21 years of a marriage, right. That the things that I have. And go of, and it's a lot. I have changed significantly. In the course of our relationship as my, my partner notes of how different I am now than who I was then. And that it is an accepting of me.
Your bike year, sometimes, month by month. As I do go through changes and let go of that. The expectations of wrongness, right. Or that belief of wrongness that I've had since I was so small to then becoming this. Very different person and then reclaiming that. that is had deep impacts on our relationship for a son. My ability to show up in the relationship on my expectations of his showing up in the relationship. If I'm going to be vulnerable and show up truly in a relationship, I want the same thing for my partner.
So that definitely has brought some feelings up of that for [00:19:00] him and for me. And. In that. How that impacts even our family, right? Where yours, mine and ours family. So obviously it's life changing. He changes it. As impacts outreach outreaching on relationships, not just with our children, but with extended family within laws and parents.
so yeah, I think. As we change and we let go of control and we become more true to who we want to be in what surfaces in our life. It has huge impacts on our relationships. And make sense why there's always that fear. Of what F it's interesting, because as I've gone through this process for myself, I haven't had that with my partner. There haven't been moments.
I don't even if there has been a moment where I've had genuine fear of, if I continue down this path, Well, my partner not want to be with me, cause I think I'm pretty confident in first our relationship and. And what that means in our relationship and, And our desire to be together and choose each other. But I also think in the confidence that I would really rather be me and have a chance to show up in myself, [00:20:00] that to be with someone who wants to hold me back, I'm tired of being told that I'm wrong for being me. I want to be me and be okay. And so I definitely think there at some point must have been a tipping point. And I can tell you when that was, that where I decided I chose me and my partner can join me for that ride, or my partner could not join me for that ride, but that, I was an important part of that equation. And also a lot of confidence. It, maybe wasn't a big tipping point because I had a lot of confidence that my partner would choose to join me for that ride and appreciate him for that. And for the relationship we have that I didn't have that fear that I know a lot of people don't.
They don't have that security.
Janae: Yeah. I almost feel like for me, that came from me. Posting horse and studying to date again. And I remember. Going into the first date with my partner and being like, I'm going to be.
Completely open and honest, then I'm going to show up as myself. And if it doesn't feel okay to be able to do that, I know that this isn't a person for me. And it came out in some pretty funny [00:21:00] ways where we look back and chuckle about like, he was like, yeah, it was, it was interesting. And I was like, well,
You know, you have to, like you said, like you have to eventually come to the point of like, I'm going to choose me. And then just showing up in blatant authenticity. And seeing what happens. I think that that came as a reaction of having to be in a relationship for so long and feel like. You were saying like that wrongness of.
Yeah, I can't be myself or everything that I do. Isn't okay. And. I think that came as a, as a counter reaction to that.
Penney: Absolutely. I think so. I think. A hundred percent that when we're shoved into those holes or those pegs or those molds, that there's a, once we get a taste of freedom and you don't want to go back. And so nobody's going to shove you back there again.
Janae: Yeah. I also think about looking at it from a parenting perspective. I'm like once you let go of having to control your child's behavior or control everyone's perception of you and your parenting, [00:22:00] you can really let go. And.
Get to the deeper layer of what is my child needs. What does my family need? Yeah, what's best for us letting go of that. I need to control it. And. appear for other people really allows you to them. Okay. How do I actually care for the tiny human that I'm in charge of? And until you let go of that, it's like,
It almost feels like a fog cover over what are they actually meeting right now from you? Instead of how do I show up for others? It's more intuitive of what do they need or what are the books say? Cause I have to be in control of all of this and manage all of this to Nope. I get to just be intuitive with it.
Penney: Yeah, absolutely. So let's move into some tips on how to let go. these are the tips we're going to be going through. During our women's retreat. if you're able to join us, we'll get to do these more in depth, and I'm going to add some art therapy and some more experiential type of things in order to really help with this process.
So the first part of [00:23:00] that is evaluating what you want to change, really thinking about where does change start for me? has there been a change I'm already considering, or do I just feel a genuine, something needs to change or some movement needs to happen and really thinking about that? I really think that once you have that moment of realization, I always say, you know, as long as we deny that it exists, we don't feel the need to change, but as soon as we acknowledge, there's a problem.
There's something innate in us that the seeks to change the creates change around the problem or wants to make it different. So I think versus identification, and then the next part of that is really taking that moment to reflect on. What does that change look like? Not just from the, if I do this, this will happen the if then, but really creating some sort of visualization for what it looks like when it's done that magic question of when this is completed, how is my life different? How am I different hover? My relationship's different.
How am I [00:24:00] showing up in the world? If I changed the way I budget or manage money, what does that look like in the end? If I changed the way I communicate in relationships, what does that look like? And really seeing that end picture. Is important. And the process for that, I really think needs to be more than just a cognitive process. There needs to be other pieces that come into that. If that's journaling artwork, time outside.
Some meditation reflection conversation with people that you can not ask permission to change, but. Verbal bouncing if you're a verbal processor and really do some journaling of that. And in order to see what that change would look like.
Janae: Yeah. Okay. If I'm. Stepping into not allowing others perceptions or opinions to control what I'm doing.
Who is it that comes out on the other side. They look like. Yeah. How did they act? what joys do they have? What freedoms does that look like? I think that can be really powerful.
Penney: Absolutely. [00:25:00] And then they think step two with this is really identifying what that fear is. That's holding you back. Uh, what does keep me from being there? What keeps me from being successful? Is it others' expectations? Is it a fear of being alone is a societal messages.
You know, what is it? What keeps you from creating the change? What it, cause it's going to be a fear. It's definitely going to be a fear. So really asking yourself, what is it that I fear. What is, what is the core fear around making this change? And being this person and it, and it really could be a very, personal, like, Almost like visceral reaction to change of. And that might come up with fear and it could have nothing to do with anybody else, but ourselves. And so really being able to do that personal work around, what does change look like? Am I okay? As I am or do I really want this new thing? And what does that look like?
Janae: Yeah, when you've been. I've been talking about in the groups that I've been leading recently. About the. [00:26:00] Ability to see and analyze, are these external barriers or are they internal barriers? And the internal barriers are often. We want to focus on the external ones. Cause it feels just to enter easier to take care of, or even easier to explain to people.
Our ourselves of like, oh, well, this can't change because there's. You know, there's a time constraint, there's a money constraint, whatever it is. When you start to look inward of like, oh gosh, I'm. Afraid of letting myself have this. Afraid of not being enough or people judging me or, you know, whatever it is, the internal.
Fear and the internal barrier that is coming up, there are a lot scarier and there are a lot harder to confront.
Penney: Yeah. Absolutely. So really taking the time to do that. Don't jump into change without taking the time to really process first off, what do I want to change? What does it look like? And then what fears would come up that would prevent me from doing that. And then after you have all of that, identify, make your plan.
What does change look like? You can start [00:27:00] small. It can be the simplest step, right? Do one small thing, different that can lead to big things. So what would be the next steps and. And creating a solid, this is what I'm going to do. Plan around that. Yeah,
Janae: I want to add onto this mean, we're talking about it as.
Making change. I want to talk about it in a way of, we're not changing ourselves because. Who we are showing up as is wrong. To better ourselves. It's more, what are the behaviors we're holding on to that are keeping us from showing up authentic? Particularly as ourselves. And how do we let go? What needs to change so that we can fully let
Penney: go.
Yeah, absolutely. And, and being held back by something, if there's a habit or something that is holding us back, then how do we let go of that and create change? And then the other part of that is creating a plan to maintain and check progress. I went, and this has to be specific. I'm going to check back on my progress. This is how I'm gonna measure it. And then once I [00:28:00] get to the place of change, this is how I'm going to maintain it.
because if we, you know, Fail at maintaining, we're probably going to slip backwards. So. Continual check-in continual progress with that on where am I at? How am I doing? And, and have I reached that goal? Have I reached that vision? We can also get stuck in the place where we think then we need to continue change. Right.
We don't, we can get to the place where, yeah. We met our vision because we had a clear vision. We really knew what it looked like when we got there. And once we've accomplished just that, then we can have those that success and then maintenance after that.
Janae: Yeah. If you don't have a plan of checking back in.
Who's within your circle that you can lean on or share this. Goal with and share. I want to start living. More in tune and in line with this. And how can they help support you in that? Yeah. Or help remind you to check back in with that, to build in
Penney: a support for that maintenance and that process. Yeah, absolutely.
So just a quick reminder that we are going to go through this process in our group. in our retreat, in the [00:29:00] groups that we're doing, and I'm excited for the pieces and parts of we're going to add to that. in coming one way, really visualizing what, how we want to leave in a different way and having the process to be able to do that.
Janae: Yeah, I think so many people. You go on a retreat and you want to be able to come back and feel more in-tune and. Touch with your true self. And we're really trained to support that this year, supporting doing that in community and also in a space like there's something magical about being out in the woods.
You don't have your phone on you. There's no service and you can really just. Let go. Yeah. One R after our first year, I remember. One of the women talking about how wonderful it was to go three days without looking in a mirror. Yeah. And being able to let go of that needs to know how you're looking at presenting to other people and even just something small like that, how impactful that.
Penney: Yeah, absolutely. It's really powerful. All right. Should we do our, it takes two to tango. Yeah, let's do that. Uh, so what messages have you been given about [00:30:00] how you appear and are perceived? I have kind of already spoken to this for myself of really, it was everything about me was wrong from how I dressed.
to how I showed up. one really quick example of that is I, wore button up shirts, and 5 0 1 button fly jeans as a girl at seven or eight, right. There was a lot of view of that, of being wrong. And I had gotten this really girly person, this little skinny mini skirt. I think I was in third grade and I went to school. I had worn perfume. I carried my little, it was a Kuala bear purse.
with little flowers on it and wore my skirt. And I had been in class maybe 20 minutes when somebody took my chair over and you could see my underwear and I left in tears and I went back to wearing my five O ones and thought, well, Maybe mini skirts are not for me. and really didn't start to step into more of that needing to be somebody different, pushing more and more as I didn't fit in lost friends, didn't fit into [00:31:00] groups and really made a lot of change probably around sixth grade.
To finally have some acceptance and be okay with peer groups. So, yeah. those were really painful moments for me of strong messages about how, what I wore wasn't. Okay. And very clear from my peers about it not being okay and not acceptable. Less. So for my family, I think my family. There were other parts, my being too loud or being too excited or having too big of emotions being too creative. Those things definitely came from family and the other social parts, definitely from peers.
Janae: Yeah, I think that for me, the messages were always The more you can blend in with other people. The better. And so it really created like a lot of chameleon behavior from when I was younger. Trying to blend in with other people or different social groups in. It was funny because it was like, Trained to be that social butterfly, but it wasn't really a social butterfly. It really was chameleon.
Going into different groups and just trying to [00:32:00] match. But they thought or Filton how they, what they liked and things like that. and I think that stemmed from just not having enough self esteem and self confidence in who I actually was. And looking back on that now I thought that. There was a lot of projection of.
Oh, everyone's judging me or people are bullying me when looking back now, I'm like, I don't think anyone really cared. I don't think anyone was actually doing anything like that. To me, it just felt like it, I felt hypersensitive to any kind of. Look, or if. I walked by and people were laughing or whispering. I automatically thought it was about me.
And so that. It's interesting. Looking back on that and being able to see, like, I think that
Penney: was more of an internal yeah. And internal fear of not being enough, not being in relationships. All right, I'm going to spin the wheel for a body question.
And I got a forest. I have an event. What are the impacts of holding onto emotions for your body? I think of holding onto that [00:33:00] shame and that feeling of wrongness for me, it definitely. Less movement in my body. We were joking about like being able to do twerking or hip thrusts or whatever that those would have been completely wrong in the way that I was raised. And so there's a lot of ways. I don't know how to move my body because I've never moved my body in those ways, because it would have been, unlady like unacceptable.
and in so many ways wrong. And I think about that in a lot of movements in my body. That I haven't, I've never taken claim of my body because my body. I've always been tall. I have a big bone structure. I'm not a petite and dainty. As I have a sister a year older and a year younger who were always smaller than me. And so the division of my body was always it's too big. It's too awkward.
And, so a lot of hiding into it, shutting down of it and less movement of it.
Janae: More construction. Yeah. That's interesting. I feel like a lot of people can relate to that. Like [00:34:00] shrinking. Small. Yeah. Yeah. All right.
I got an even too, so. The impacts of holding onto the. Emotions and not being able to really let go from my body. It comes into a lot of clenching, like. it was interesting. My first yoga training that I did. doing breath and fully breathing into your belly and how many. Women. We're just taught to suck in and hold the belly in and up so that you look skinny. Yes.
And how that has deeply impacted people's ability to fully take a full breath. And we know from what we talk about with the nervous system and being able to use breath as a way of regulating your nervous system, if you're not able to fully expand into your belly, It can really impact how your nervous system is.
Regulating. So that definitely was interesting to find out about. And then. Just a lot of.
feeling of [00:35:00] like things bottling up and then feeling like. Um, control and you have to. Let them go and explode. Of like building up exploding, building up exploding, and I feel like I've. Gotten better about breaking that cycle. But when I was younger and a team that was definitely. It was like a very visceral thing. I could feel it building and building and building and
Penney: then coming out. Yeah.
Yeah. So rapid fire. What is one thing you like about
Janae: yourself? I really like my. Ability to connect with people and two. Make space for people to talk to me.
How about you?
Penney: I liked my hair. And I liked my
Janae: creativity.
Nice. All right. So just a reminder, if you want more information. And come on retreat with us. That's in August, 2023, the 18th through the.
and there's a lot of information about that and you can sign up. At Hilltop wellness. So www dot Hilltop, wellness.net, and we will link [00:36:00] to that.
You're welcome to go check that out and come join us. On our camping retreat this summer. Absolutely. Thank you. We'll see you in our next one. Bye. Bye.
