Couples and Marriage- Conflict Resolution
How to Resolve and Understand Your Relationship Conflict with Hilltop Wellness
Conflict in marriage is inevitable. Conflict in marriage is normal. Again. Conflict in marriage is inevitable.
Some might believe conflict in a marriage signifies it is destined for divorce. Dr. John Gottman says “it is a myth that if you solve all your problems you’ll be automatically happy. We need to teach couples that they’ll never solve most of their problems.” So a couple who argues frequently is not on the brink of a breakup? Right! Dr. John Gottman also states “ a couples ability to manage the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship” is the key to a thriving marriage. Therefore, couples gaining the skills to manage conflict (outlined in this post and taught at our couples retreats) is invaluable to the success of their marriage. It will determine the effect of the conflict on the marriage, good or bad.
-Tori Wanner
Types of Relationship Conflict
Penney Rockhill, LCPC
John and Julie Gottman discovered 5 types of relationships based on how they engage in conflict. The five types are Conflict-Avoiding, Validating, Volatile, Hostile, and Hostile-Detached . Each of these types brings with it risks and strengths showing there is not a perfect relationship and we are all seeking it to be good enough.
So less pressure to have the “perfect relationship” and seek to identify the strengths in your own relationship and identify ways to make it good enough.
The Gottman's research shows a ratio of positive to negative interactions needing to be five to one for a good enough relationship. This means for every negative interaction with your partner you need to have 5 positive interactions. The Gottman’s also identified 2 types of conflicts couples struggle with, perpetual and solvable issues. Perpetual issues are those which we gridlock on in relationships. These can be big or little issues in the relationship however, these are the issues we have an emotional investment in and are unable to move past as a couple.
A small gridlock issue for my partner and I is over my workspace. I am very protective of my workspace. This is my place of balance and escape, where I have put my stamp and where I can run away to paint, craft and be creative. My partner sees this an available space if he needs space for a project he will utilize what is available. This is an issue we are unable to compromise on because I have an emotional investment in this issue so compromise would just create resentment for me. There have been years of conflict over this issue until we are able to identify what the emotions behind the conflict are, we have to seek understanding and look deeper.
Solvable issues are those conflicts where we can seek compromise because there is less emotion behind the decision and after seeking to see the other partner's viewpoint a place in the middle can be reached.
How to Manage Conflict in Relationships
-Janae Kara, TCTSY-F
Managing your conflicts might begin far before the tables have turned, the room has frosted over, or ‘all hell has broken loose’. One way to stop conflict in its tracks and build more trust in one another as a couple is the simple act of ‘turning towards’ one another. This simple act is a key component Dr. John Gottman found in a research study with newlyweds. Following up six years after the initial interview with the couples Gottman asked how often they practiced turning towards instead of away. Couples that had stayed married reported 86% of the time they turned towards their partner and those who had divorced only 33%.
Okay, turning towards instead of away is important but what does it mean? First we need to break down Bids.
A bid in a relationship is any attempt from one partner to the other for any kind of attention, connection, affirmation, affection, etc. There is no one way for a partner to make a bid to the other so it is important to know how your partner likes to bid you. It might be in a smile, wink, seeking physical closeness or eye contact, or maybe asking for help or advice on something. Healthy relationships have two partners who are both comfortable making all kinds of bids. THose who have lots of interaction tend to remain happy as they are attuning to one another by turning towards them in the small moments and building mutual trust.
We have seen romance splayed across the screen and now our views might be skewed towards the big gestures. Keeping your relationship alive comes down to how you show your partner they are valued in your regular Monday-Friday grind.
“Comical as it may sound, romance is strengthened in the supermarket aisle when your partner asks, ‘Are we out of butter?” and you answer, “I don’t know. Let me go get some just in case,’ instead of shrugging apathetically.” -John Gottman
Other bids might look like having a bad day at work and shooting your partner a message seeking for validation and a reply back. Taking a few moments out of your day to turn towards and acknowledge your partner’s wants or needs builds intimacy and trust.
“Each time partners trun toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are buildin gup savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rought, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of gooodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.” -John Gottman
Two obstacles you might encounter to turning toward:
Not picking up on the bid because it is camouflaged in anger or other negatively percieved emotions.
Ex: Grumbling when doing a task at home -bid with subtext I would like help
“I don’t mind doing the dishes but I hate emptying the washer”-bid with subtext I would like to divide this chore.
“You’re choosing to do that now?”-bid with subtext please come to bed with me
Before responding defensively you can choose to take a breath, look for the possible subtext, and focus on the bid not the delivery. You might even try saying ‘I hear you needing something from me right now can you please tell me, I really want to know”.
***If it is a common occurrence for bids in your relationship to be wrapped in criticism you can work together to soften your start ups together.
2. Being too distracted to notice your partner’s bids.
This is an easy one to see but maybe not so easy to solve. If you are noticing more distance in your relationship because of technology or other distractions it might be time to have a conversation about it. You might be missing valuable connections and bids from one another if you are buried nose deep in your phone or t.v. Make a plan, create some structured no electronics time if you need to and intentionally start putting the device down when your partner enters the room.
Top Reasons for Relationship Conflict and What to do About Them
-Tina Crain
There are many things that can cause relationship conflict. The truth of the matter is there is not a relationship out there that does not have some sort of conflict. People are all raised differently, have different ideals, feelings, and perceptions on life.
According to google the top 5 topics of conflict are free time, money, housework, physical intimacy, and extended family. One of the best ways to overcome these and any conflict is having a strong relationship. Knowing and understanding likes, dislikes, and your partner's dreams about what they want out of life will help. Continuing to build on that friendship that you established when you were first dating is key.
Taking time to listen to each other’s feelings and life stories connected to the conflict is important. Then taking that information to come up with a plan that matches both of your needs. Listen to your partner’s feelings and thoughts make them feel heard. Sharing in the decision-making process can also help with the conflict. There are two people in the relationship, and both should be included in the process and outcome. When it comes to physical intimacy the biggest thing is talking about it. Also learning how to let each other down gently when you are not in the mood and learning acceptance without taking it personally will help. Having set guidelines for you as a couple to follow each time and response for either yes or no can help make these answers a little less personal. Learning how to enjoy the little moments of contact and interactions throughout the day can help you feel more connected and intimate as a couple as well.
Lastly when dealing with extended family the best way to handle this is to show up as a united front. This family unit comes above all the others. Even when you do not always agree with your partner’s feelings in the moment. A great resource for learning how to deepen your relationships and dealing with conflict is the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman. This book breaks down each of these topics with actionable steps to strengthen these areas in your relationship.
How to manage conflict in relationships when you both feel strongly about a problem.
-Janae Kara, TCTSY-F
How to recognize gridlock
Perpetual problems occur in every relationship; these can lead to the same arguments, and feel like you are on a merry-go-round of frustration. When these problems become Gridlocked it is time to shift the way you are communicating about them from problem-solution focussed to dream-compromise focussed. You can ask yourself these questions to see if you are in gridlock.
You feel rejected after the conversation
You always feel like you made no progress forward and neither you or your partner see a way to budge.
Frustration and hurt comes up everytime
You might begin to blame or vilify one another around the problem. It is no longer you two against the problem but you two against each other.
Your views begin to polarize more dramatically each time you talk about it.
You feel emotionally disengaged from the conversation and/or your partner.
It is time to look deeper and get curious about the hidden underlying issues that are really causing this gridlock. Ask yourself what personal or significant dreams do you hold around this problem. There are some at the core of every gridlocked problem. Compromise feels impossible because it feels like selling out or giving up on something important to you and your core beliefs or sense of self. This then creates profound differences between you and your partner that need to be addressed before you can communicate, compromise, and resolve the conflict.
How to detect the dreams under conflict
You can start to understand no matter how small the conflict, gridlock shows up when you feel your dreams have not been respected, acknowledged, or made aware of to your partner. Some examples could be wanting to earn a certain amount of money in your life, religious practices in the family, a need for security, or adventure.
A simple example of a gridlocked problem connected with a dream is one partner wanting to go out for dinner every Sunday night, while the other wants to stay in and cook together. The first partner may have a myriad of possible dreams, hopes, wishes, or aspirations connected with going out every Sunday. It could represent family time, a way to spend money out of celebration or satisfaction after working all week, or a sign that they now have the ability to go out since this was not an option for their family as a kid. The other partner could have similar dreams about staying in, cooking together, saving money, not making people work on Sundays etc. This seemingly easy decision ‘do we go out or do we stay in’ is wrapped up in many aspects of hopes for the relationship and how the individual views their life now. Compromise can be found once the dreams are uncovered, shared and talked about. This couple might go out every other Sunday or go over to a friend's house to share a meal instead. There are many options for compromise once the core beliefs at the center of the problem have been found.
One key point is to explain your dreams without criticism. Example “Why can’t you ever understand, I don’t want to go out on Sundays. You are always frivolously spending our hard earned money.” Obviously a better way to communicate would be “I want to save our money when we can. This gives me a sense of security in our relationship. I am worried about not having enough savings for our retirement and feel uncomfortable eating out every week.”
Other things to consider when coming into conversations about gridlock problems is emotional flooding
When our brains kick over to fight, flight, freeze in response to a conversation, emotional flooding has happened. The prefrontal cortex (front, thinking, processing, part of the brain) has gone offline. There is now no way to have a productive conversation. You can imagine this like asking someone to share their heart and soul right after they have been chased by a lion, or while they are skydiving. The brain and body are now in survival mode and can no longer properly process and communicate. If you or your partner become flooded it is time to take a break and come back at an agreed upon time. Take time to self-sooth and re-regulate your nervous system. An easy sign you are flooded is if your heart rate ratchets up, you get tunnel vision, or your breathing has quickened significantly.
The donut method to compromise
After you have identified the dreams surrounding your conflict, you might need some guidelines to find a compromise. The donut method describes identifying the minimum core areas about the problem you cannot agree on, the areas you can compromise on. This gives you a minimal starting point to begin seeking small solutions or temporary fixes. If we return to the previous example, one partner might have “eating out on Sundays at least two times a month” as the core area they cannot bend on. The partner might have “$5,000 in savings before extra spending takes place”. The compromise can come in as eating out to cheaper places two times a month until the $5,000 savings goal is reached.
You can start to meet perpetual problems with tolerance and acceptance, like a bad back- it won’t go away but it can be managed so it doesn’t overwhelm your life.
