How to Better Communicate with Your Partner
How to Communicate Effectively
-Tori Wanner
We’ve heard it over and over, communication is “key” in a relationship. Many of us can attest to the importance of effective communication. But what is effective communication? The common definition is the ability to convey information to another effectively and efficiently.
The basics of effective communication are simple; practice active listening, ask questions and focus on what your partner is saying to you. But these skills don’t always work. When contemplating this topic, I wondered what researchers John and Julie Gottman had discovered. We will be utilizing the level 2 training of their approach to couples therapy in our upcoming retreat, and I have been amazed at the proven effectiveness of their methods.
I discovered a great article on gottman.com written by Ellie Lisitsa. She states, “In reality, what most distressed couples want is to re-establish a strong and healthy connection. The first step to rebuilding their bond is intentionally communicating non-defensively and openly.” (Laisitsa, 2014) The article continues with Dr. Gottman’s #1 rule for having an intimate conversation. I found these tips to be more beneficial than the common active listening techniques.
The ONE rule for intimate conversations is that understanding must precede advice.
Have you talked with someone expressing a frustration you were dealing with, and they responded with a simple solution to your frustration? How did that make you feel? For example,
Sally: “I had such a stressful day at work. I’m so tired.”
Vicki: “Well you could quit your job. Then you wouldn’t be stressed and tired.”
Vicki had good intentions but, in this example, Sally was seeking emotional support, not a solution. In my experience, an unwarranted solution makes me feel like the person I am speaking with isn’t trying to understand me. Sometimes it can feel like they don’t even want to hear my issues and it shuts the conversation off. A better outcome would be,
Sally: “I had such a stressful day at work. I'm so tired.”
Vicki: “That must have been hard for you. Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
Lisitsa also states, “Premature problem solving tends to shut people down. Problem solving and advice should only begin when both people feel totally understood.” (Lisitsa, 2014)
Effective communication will not mend a failed or dead relationship, but it is a great place to start. Seeking to truly understand your partner can be a humbling experience. When coming from a place of understanding not defensiveness we can have effective discussions and possibly see opportunities to mend our relationship.
Signs of Bad Communication in a Relationship
-Janae Kara, TCTSY-F
In his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman Ph.D. lays out an easy way to spot bad communication within your relationship. He outlines them as the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Gottman goes on to note all relationships will see the horsemen pop up in conflicts however, it is when they set up camp in your home and become permanent residents there is a deeper problem in need of saving the marriage or relationship.
The first horseman and a common one is Criticism. Every couple will have their gripes about one another as no one is perfect and we are all human. The main distinction between regular griping and criticism is when the statement is an attack on the person’s character. A complaint might be, I wish you wouldn’t leave your clothes on the floor at night. Can you please put them in the hamper. whereas criticism looks like, Why are you always leaving your clothes around. You don’t think of anyone but yourself, you are so thoughtless and inconsiderate. You can see in this example how the complaint is phrased around the action one partner dislikes. The other cuts to the person’s character calling them out as thoughtless and inconsiderate. If you are finding you or your partner are having more criticism than complaints, you might try making a change. Before addressing a concern check in with your physical state, if you are in a heightened arousal take a few deep breaths before engaging in conversation with your partner. Try following the formula of ‘behavior you dislike’ then “action you would like instead” such as Please don’t invite your family over this Saturday, I would like time to spend with just us.
The second horseman is Contempt.
Unfortunately when this horseman comes to stay it is the single greatest indicator of divorce according to Dr. Gottman.
Contempt is more than just criticism in arguments. It is a complete disregard for the other’s feelings and takes the perpetrator to a moral high ground where they feel justified in their behavior. Contempt may look like eye rolling, mocking, ridicule, name calling, or sarcasm, where the other person is left feeling belittled, worthless, and despised. Contempt is often a symptom of long buried or slow burning feelings of negativity towards your partner. Building a more positive connection and attitude towards your partner can be a good first step to resolving this horseman.
Defensiveness, the third horseman usually comes along in partnership with contempt or criticism. This logically makes sense. When one partner is attacking the other there is a sensed need to over defend oneself. This might look like feeling unjustly accused, looking for excuses for one’s behavior, or playing victim. The defensiveness card might be played to get one partner to give the other space; however, it communicates a lack of taking responsibility and may make the other person feel their concerns aren’t taken seriously.
A non-defensive response takes responsibility, attempts to understand the other’s feelings and concerns, and communicates an admission of fault.
Stonewalling, the final horseman generally arrives late to the party and is more common in longer-term relationships and seen less in newly minted marriages.
If a couple has weathered through years of the other three horsemen kicking around frequenting their relationship, stonewalling may become part of the conflict pattern.
This brought to mind the stereotype of the husband running away to his man cave to get away from his nagging wife or turning up the volume of the T.V when she has a complaint to address. Stonewalling usually occurs when one partner lashes out with contempt and the other responds with shutting down or isolating. This could be physically removing themselves from the conversation or mentally checking out. Stonewalling is slowly developed over time in reaction to the other horsemen showing up and can be a hard habit to break and recognize. This reaction takes place when a person feels flooded with emotion and is then switched over to flight or freeze mode. When this happens, a productive conversation is out of the question. Call a timeout. State that you need a break, then take time in some self-soothing practices before returning back to the conversation when you are ready.
If you are on the receiving end of being stonewalled the last thing you may want to do is take a break as this can feel like more avoidance. For this situation it may be helpful to set a time frame around when you will both come back to the conversation. Example: I am feeling very anxious right now and I need to take a break from this conversation. Can we take 30 minutes and check back in?
Starting to identify when the four horsemen rear their ugly heads can be a good first step. Begin building that awareness in your relationship communication patterns. It is also important to understand these behaviors are common among all relationships, but one should be wary when they are chronic.
What to do if You Can’t Communicate With Your Partner
-Penney Rockhill, LCPC
Many couples struggle with the question about how to be heard by their partner. I joke in my practice; you know when you are a couple because one will want to hash out arguments and one will want to walk away. This creates frustration on both sides. One thing I have learned after 20 years of marriage and one thing I wish I would have known is the concept of emotional flooding. I stumbled upon the power of this concept when I read about breaking up arguments through very unconventional methods to slow down the conflict and perhaps introduce humor or thought. What I have since learned is this was less about breaking up the process and more about bringing down heart rate and bringing each partner out of fight-flight.
We know biologically when our brains switch from thinking to reacting, WE DO NOT THINK! Of course, this makes it impossible to communicate with our partners, solve problems, provide empathy and connect with one another.
How do we identify when we are being emotionally flooded?
We need to pay attention to our bodies. I understand this is difficult for many of us; however, this is very important to identify where we are at emotionally. We can notice if our hands are sweating, are we starting to tense our muscles. We can attend to our heart rate and pulse. Research has shown once our heart rate is above 100 bpm, we are in a state of being flooded. Many of us have watches or devices which track our heart rate, pay attention to this. Once we identify being flooded, we need to take steps to move away from the conflict and care for ourselves. We need to lower this heart rate. Afterall, it is biology we are unable to just push through this and hash it out.
How do we bring ourselves out of flooding?
Identifying ways to lessen our heart rate is a very personal choice. I find doing something creative or physical works well for me. I will go into my shop and play with my saws, I will clean, I will go for a walk, I will listen to music.
Doing progressive muscle relaxation is helpful, doing some yoga, taking a bath or shower, whatever provides you with a sense of calm and coming back into Self.
Once each partner comes back to a place of calm you can try again to address the issues and find ways to provide safety for each other in the discussion about the conflict.
How to fix a Lack of Communication in a relationship
-Penney Rockhill, LCPC
Practice makes perfect, or at least provides us with opportunities for progress. One way to build communication with our partner is to set aside time for this communication. When a relationship is new and exciting we spend hours talking and getting to know each other.
However, as time marches on we become more distant, we focus on kids, jobs, money, chores, and day to day events. We lose touch with each other and forget how to communicate with one another.
I have found, and research supports, setting aside time each day or each week for practicing communication and getting to know one another continues to be imperative throughout a marriage. Talk with your partner and make a plan for at least 1 day each week. You can make an appointment to just focus on communication.
Interested in learning more skills and steps to improving communication skills with your partner? Check out our Couple retreats. Explore and find new adventures with your partner all around South Eastern Idaho while taking steps towards happier and healthier relationships.
