Why The Gottman Method?
In talking about starting a couples retreat I immediately knew I wanted to utilize the Gottman Method. I was first introduced to the method in 2013 and learned some basics with the plan to gain more training and experience. The Gottman method includes 3 steps to treatment, the first being assessment, the second planning and the third is therapeutic intervention. The Gottman Method was created through research which started in 1976. The amount of research and positive outcomes makes this evidence based and effective treatment modality one I wanted to be able to offer and provide to couples coming to our retreats. Let me break down what the method includes.
The initial step in the Gottman method is assessment. The Gottman’s view assessment as an integral part of treatment. They liken treating couples without an assessment to getting treatment from a physician without any testing to confirm a diagnosis. The why is just as important as the how. The assessment includes a full evaluation of the relationship strengths and deficits through three different modalities. The first is an initial meeting with myself to gain information about the relationship, how you handle conflicts, what are your dreams as a couple and what are the ways you would like the relationship to improve. The second is questionnaires completed online and shared with me which have been researched by the Gottman’s to provide in-depth information about the relationship. The third part of the assessment consists of a 30-minute meeting one on one with myself and each partner.
The second part of the Gottman method is to review the results of the assessments and make a plan for moving forward. The summary from all of the assessments shows positives and negatives from the sound relationship house. This is a nine level model created by the Gottman’s showing areas of importance in relationships. Treatment is designed to address areas of deficits.
The third part of the Gottman method is treatment. Skills specific to the areas of deficit within the sound relationship house will be taught to the couple focusing on building friendship within the relationship, managing conflicts and creating a sense of shared meaning and dreams. The Gottman method has been shown through research to help couples of high conflict, those ready to separate and those who have lost connection within the relationship. The method is effective for same and opposite sex couples. However, you don’t have to be on the verge of divorce and separation to learn skills for improving your relationship. According to research couples wait an average of 6 years before seeking help and 50% of all marriages which end in divorce do so in the first 7 years. So early intervention and learning of skills is important. Another red flag for couples is the loss of connection which research shows leads to divorce around year 16 so learning those specific skills to connect and gain shared meaning and dreams is equally important. 69% of marital conflict is classified as perpetual. These are the arguments you have hashed, rehashed and can repeat by heart due to its recurrence. Learning to manage conflict in a different way reduces these perpetual conflicts and the couples can find shared meaning resolution.
The retreat is offering a couple of options for couples seeking skills and support. You can choose to engage fully with the assessment and gain skills in the retreat tailored to your relationship house. We will meet one on one at the retreat to review the outcome and what areas of focus are needed for your relationship. You can complete the online forms which gives us some information about the relationship and we can move forward with a plan for intervention during a one-on-one meeting at the retreat based on what information we have. The third option will be to engage in skills chosen for the retreat not tailored to you. All of these are excellent options with differing levels of intervention. Gaining the skills to manage conflict, connect with a shared meaning and build lasting friendships as a couple is essential for a healthy and happy marriage. All of the activities of the retreat will be centered on those 3 areas and benefit the participants.
I am really excited to provide this opportunity for couples. Having been divorced and struggled in relationships myself I want to offer something better for others. I genuinely wish I had the skills much earlier in my relationship. I can also see the value in maintaining connection. I have been in a relationship for 20 yrs and understand the changes in friendship, shared values and struggle for connection which comes in the later years of a marriage. I look forward to seeing and meeting with you all.