Non-verbal Communication
The words we speak account for about 35% of what is communicated. What about the other 65%?
I focus a great deal on how we talk with each other in relationships and the words we speak account for about 35% of what is communicated however, what about the other 65%?
This percentage is about what is not being said but what the body is communicating. As part of human survival skills, we are constantly checking the environment around us for signals of safety or danger, including those we are communicating with. The second I step into the waiting room for a client, or they enter my office I am reading their body language, how are they dressed, what is their gate, what is their face telling me, what is the intonation of their voice, what does their movement look like. All of this plus more is assessed in a matter of seconds and becomes a big part of how I approach them and hold space for them throughout the session. This happens when I come home and interact with my family, they are assessing these things around me so much is communicated without even uttering a word.
Humans believe non-verbal communication far above the words spoken. The right words might be spoken however if said in the wrong way they become null. I can think of so many examples where I spoke the right words but was distracted with other thoughts or activities eliciting a response from the person, I was talking with about not caring, being angry, being short, or not understanding, etc. No matter how much I argued about “what I really meant” this discussion was lost before it began because of the non-verbal cues given. Truly we trust non-verbal cues on such a deep instinctual survival level there is no changing this.
Hearing one thing verbally and reading non-verbal communication to be something else builds mistrust in relationships and creates a disconnect. We start to believe the other person is lying to us, unwilling to be vulnerable, or disconnected from us emotionally.
How do we improve our non-verbal communication skills?
The bottom line, there is no tool kit for being able to communicate inauthentically and not create problems in relationships. So, we first need to be aware of our emotions and communicate those emotions to those we are interacting with. I need to own my feelings and not pretend. This creates space for connection and understanding.
Communication of emotions does not include giving details or oversharing and just needs to be stating facts. Communication of our emotions allows another person the choice or opportunity to engage or not engage and provides them with information about what that engagement can look like.
Another important piece to checking in with our emotions is how this impacts how we interpret non-verbal communication from others. We filter the world through our own emotional lens and might misinterpret cues if we do not understand how we are filtering information.
Stress is another big one for non-verbal communication. I interact with the world very differently when I am feeling stressed because the sympathetic nervous system is on high alert and more likely to perceive threats and take offense during interactions. We are also more likely to send off signals of frustration, anger, disinterest, or annoyance when we are stressed, even if we are not feeling this towards anyone.
Be accountable when we have a discrepancy between what we are saying verbally and non-verbally. Instead of engaging in an argument check in with yourself, verbalize the feeling and make an apology if needed for not communicating clearly. We can also set boundaries by letting them know we are unable to communicate in a clear and connected way because of our current emotions and we need time to manage our emotions prior to talking.
We can also give grace to others around their emotions. In approaching someone, remember we have no idea what their emotional state is so let’s give understanding or check in with them instead of having expectations around what they can give or communicate.
Overall, awareness regarding the importance of non-verbal communication is important. This awareness allows us to build trust and connection. Taking time to check in with our own emotions and communicating emotions clearly improves every aspect of our lives and allows trust to be built around what we are saying verbally and non-verbally. Managing stress and taking time to care for ourselves during times of stress allows us to let down our defenses and read others more effectively, where 65% of communication is performed non-verbally the ability to be effective with this is crucial to our engagement with others. I would challenge everyone this week to focus on being introspective and vulnerable in communicating emotions, so we have fewer instances of miscommunication.