Ep. 18 How has Parenting Changed Your Relationship? A group conversation with local parents

Welcome to our last episode in this parenting mini-series. Today we are joined by all three of our parenting couples to talk to them about how their relationships have changed over the course of having their first child/ first pregnancy. Each of the parents gives insight on how to keep intimacy alive, ways to handle differences in parenting styles, and what they wish more people knew about raising a child in today's world.

Feel free to catch up on our other episodes in this series Ep. 16 & 17 were great conversations with just the moms and then just the dads!

For more information about parenting resources head over to ⁠Hilltop Wellness

---

Ep. 18 How has Parenting Changed Your Relationship?

Janae: [00:00:00] Welcome to Untangling Relationships, a conversation between a counselor and a yoga teacher, a Gen Xer and a millennial, and a mother and daughter. Join us as we explore the ins and outs of relationships with your hosts, Janaye and Penny.

Penney: Yeah, an expanded, , multiple millennial conversation. I am a lone Gen

Tina: Xer.

Janae: So, yeah, on today's episode, we are joined by three different couples, all parents in different parenting stages. And this is kind of the culmination of our little parenting mini series on our podcast. And so we're excited to have this kind of final conversation. , we're going to go in a similar order that we have done just kind of by age of children just to keep things clear.

, so we'll go ahead and do our introductions now. Thanks

Tina: So that means we're up first. , hi, I'm Tina and my partner is, I'm Dave or David.[00:01:00] and we've been together for nine years, nine years. Yeah. A long time I was trying to do math and thinking about the question. , and then as far as our little one, she doesn't have a name yet because she's not born.

but we're at 22 weeks.

David: And it's going to be a

Penney: girl.

Janae: Awesome, thanks for

Tina: joining us.

McKenzie: Alright, this is Mackenzie and... Johnny. Johnny. We've been together for 7 years. And we have a 14 month old daughter

Heather: named Lily.

Johnny: Oops, I said 13 and that's...

Tina: That's okay.

Penney: Welcome.

Heather: I'm Heather and I'm my spouse's Joe.

Penney: All the men wanted to do their own names. So they all have their own voices. It's awesome.

Heather: we've been married for 13 [00:02:00] years. Awesome. Oh, and we have a son. His name is Everest. And he's three.

Penney: Awesome. So we have, Still waiting to be born, 14 month old and a three year old Awesome. So first question, I know Janae, you're going to do questions, but I'll do this when you get to the next one. So what were, what were your expectations of being a new parent versus the reality of being a new parent?

David: Well, the baby's not here yet. So the reality

Penney: hasn't quite hit him. I think pregnancy though, don't you think, of this is the, what the miracle of pregnancy is versus the reality of pregnancy?

Tina: Yeah, I definitely feel like there's lots of things that Women don't share about pregnancy and as you're experiencing them, like I had this really weird groin pain in the shower about two weeks ago and I was like, what the heck is going on with me?

And I'd had a friend that said she would get like pain in her legs and her [00:03:00] groin cause she'd had, uh, blood clot. And I was like, am Janae.

And I was telling my mom about it. She's like, that's normal. That's just your body stretching. It'd be like getting used to those muscles. And I'm just like, nobody shares that information with you. And so, yeah, I think there's lots of hidden secrets around pregnancy that aren't talked about. I guess they're not secrets, but just women.

experience things differently, and unless you've heard it from somebody else, there's lots of strange things that happen.

David: And I do want to put to bed that Tina has not had any weird cravings at the moment. No. However, trying to find stuff that she does want to eat is a bit of a challenge.

Penney: Hmm. Yeah, I think that's a, that's a myth too, right?

The crazy cravings that dads have to run out at midnight to maybe go take care of the, [00:04:00] the expectation of that versus the reality of that. Not that it doesn't happen, but it doesn't necessarily have to happen either.

Tina: Yeah. For us, it's more like what actually sounds good. What will you eat? Not I want to eat this.

Yeah.

Penney: All right. Johnny and Mackenzie, what about for you? Expectations of being new parents versus the

Tina: reality?

Johnny: Well, it's kind of been. Pretty much exactly what I expected, honestly. , I knew it was going to be hard in the beginning and it was going to have a big learning curve and it's. Constantly, uh, going to be changing what Lily's routine is and what our routine is.

So, I mean, what, what did you expect? I expected it to be kind of hard in the beginning and then we get the hang of it. And that's kind of what happened.

Penney: So...

McKenzie: I think, I mean, I think that that's, it's kind of an ongoing learning. So, definitely, , , an adjustment at the beginning. I do think that some of the things [00:05:00] that I didn't...

consider we're going to be challenges was basically like trying to figure out the balance between working and child care or having someone come into the house and what that's going to be like or Taking your baby to daycare and what that's going to be like and I work from home so I think I had a lot of kind of trying to figure out the balance between what's work what's That's being a parent, what's, you know, and, and those spaces and, and what they're for and things like that.

So I think that was more of a challenge than I had originally anticipated, but it makes sense.

Tina: Yeah.

Penney: That you don't know what to expect until you're in it, but yeah, those are good things to, to think about of, that balance.

Tina: What about for you, Heather and Joe?

Heather: I definitely had an expectation of what birth was going to be like.

and all my [00:06:00] expectations went out the window on our very last appointment. we went in and I was expecting to give birth. I was already, you know, psyching myself up to have like a natural birth. And our very last appointment, we found out that our son, who had been facing the right direction the whole time, flipped.

And he was not facing the right direction. And they were going to have to turn him, and they tried to do that, which I do not recommend if your kid is the wrong way, and they're like, let's turn the baby, say no, it's a bad idea. But, um, having a c section was definitely, not something that, , I was expecting, and not something that I wanted, , and It was a very different reality from what I had expected.

, but just as wonderful and good.

McKenzie: going to say Heather, same. I ended up having a c section when I didn't expect to have one. And [00:07:00] I didn't have the same where Lily had turned, but she just was not. In any like shape or form trying to come out. Yeah, wanting to come out at all. And so there was no like dilation at all. And so after waiting for her for like 32 hours, they went with a c section.

And so that was, it's hard when you're not, you know, expecting it. And when you have a certain idea of what things are going to go like in your head and they don't. And so I totally get that. And I mean, in the end. It's like whatever way needed to get them here, I'm like totally happy with that, but it is hard when you're kind of expecting things to go a certain way and you don't have control over that.

Heather: I agree. Can I ask, was that really scary for you? I haven't been able to talk to very many other people who have had emergency c sections. Like, were you panicked and worried about what that was going to be?

McKenzie: So, [00:08:00] I was fine with the decision, because I was really like, I cannot, I cannot stay in this state anymore.

Like, this is so uncomfortable. She was miserable.

Johnny: Yeah. She had, like, breathing masks on her all night and then kept messing with her. Yeah, it was just pumping

McKenzie: her with stuff. It was, it was uncomfortable, but I wish if I would've had the choice, I would've wanted to be, you know, have the plan to have the C-section, because I just didn't have, they, they didn't do like the, I don't think the spinal tap part that they would do if you go in for normal one.

So it was very, it. It was very intense, I think, in a way that I wasn't prepared for it to be. And that's just one thing that I just didn't know what

Penney: to

Tina: expect. Heather, it was cool to hear you say that even though you had a C section, it was still like an amazing experience. I think that's the word you used. I've heard, some moms really like, Be negative about C sections and I know they're [00:09:00] medically necessary times. like I had, I was at a friend's baby shower and her aunt was like, well, I had all my C sections, so I got the easy way out.

Or I'm not actually, you know, like. degrading herself in a negative way because she didn't have, a vaginal birth with her children. And I think even though you have a c section, you still went through labor. You're still like, you still gave birth. And it's cool to hear it.

Not so much as a negative.

Heather: I also feel like I want to put that to bed for anyone who doesn't know, but C sections are really difficult in a whole different way. they're very painful to recover from because it is a major surgery, and I don't think that very many people really, understand how major of a surgery that is.

I mean, they're cutting through muscle, they're cutting through, layers of, skin, fat, muscle, and then into the uterus. And so it is a major surgery to recover from. So, just shout out to all you moms who had C sections. Your recovery is [00:10:00] just as hard. It's just different.

Janae: Yeah. And with different elements of you're not allowed to lift over a certain amount and then trying to breastfeed and have that scar or I guess not a scar yet, but that wound still healing and yeah, it comes with its own challenges for sure.

Yeah.

McKenzie: Yeah, and I would just say that it's, it's hard enough, you know, being a parent, you know, with all, and, and growing a baby and whatever your labor looks like, whether it ends up, it ends up being a more, natural birth or c section or however the baby is born, that you're a rock star and whatever you decide to do, you know, formula or bottles or nursing or whatever.

It's like everything has its challenges and I don't think anyone deserves to feel that they're not doing their best for whatever way they have to do it.

Heather: 100 percent agree. I want so bad for [00:11:00] mom shaming to go away. Like there is no perfect way to take care of your baby. Like I know that, you know, breastfeeding has its advantages, but that's not right for everybody.

Tina: Yeah. I heard

Penney: Johnny say also in our, , Our episode with dads that for him, the knowing that McKenzie was going to have a C section was, wow, she's going to be recovering from major surgery and that's going to put a lot more work on me to step up and be that dad right off the bat into to take care of some of that while I'm taking care of her.

And so I can imagine honoring that on both sides for Joe and Johnny, that it didn't look the same as being a new dad is what they were imagining either with that birth and the C section.

Tina: Yeah, I was just going to ask actually, since, you know, that might be something that happens for Dave and I, what were Joe and Johnny's experience with that during labor delivery, like knowing your wife's going to go under that surgery and the aftermath?[00:12:00]

Johnny: Uh, really just asking. Nurses for advice. I was really trying to pay attention on how to, like, help get Lily latched on to Kenzie for breastfeeding and all that because I knew, you know, Kenzie wasn't going to be able to really do anything because she's recovering from this major surgery. So I just, and she, you know, and she's, she's a rock star because she's experienced with babies and even her being in the state she was, she was really helpful in guiding me of how to help pretty much, so.

And it just kind of kicks in instinctually, but yeah, it was, it was scary in the beginning, like, cause I was like, Oh, well, I was kind of thinking we're going to have this baby naturally. And then Kenzie would still be in pain, but she wouldn't be like so out of commission as now, you know? So it was pretty scary, but I just got some, luckily at the hospital too, we had a really awesome like lactation [00:13:00] specialist.

And she was really good at giving advice to dads as well as moms, so

that was my experience with it.

Joe: My experience was a little more terrifying. So, what Heather left out was when they went to turn the baby, they gave her morphine. And when they gave her morphine, it crossed the placenta and affected Everest. So when he was pulled out, he was all like, didn't make any sounds, was really lethargic, and I'm freaking out.

I mean, and the nurse looks at me and she goes, Sir, if we're freaking out, then you can freak out. You need to stop. And I'm like, okay. And so, just having the nurses there just to, you know, cause I was a terrified brand new dad. And, you know, having the nurse be like, it's okay, chill out. It's like, okay, cool.

Cause I was freaking out. And having that support, you know, just immediately as we're in the nursery, getting him all, like, ready for his diaper and [00:14:00] stuff. also, the doctors, like, a week after Everest was born, Heather ended up getting a pulmonary embolism. And so, we all, like, it was pretty scary.

Um, those kill people. And, um, I was afraid for a whole other reason, you know, I'm afraid I'm going to be raising a little boy by myself. And... The doctors and nurses, you know, Heather was in the hospital for like five days while they were monitoring this blood clot in her lungs before, you know, and treating it and ended up being on oxygen for like a month.

And, the doctors were really helpful on helping me understand what was going on and what I could do to help her and what be. So I think it's just, definitely listening to the nurses and doctors and stuff about, , what you should be doing. We'll have a lot.

Penney: Yeah,

Janae: Tough love from medical staff, but [00:15:00] uh,

Penney: still good. Yeah.

Janae: Yeah, so the next question to ask you guys is, how has parenting pulled you together as a couple?

Tina: so for me, I've heard a lot that, the pregnancy stage dads aren't as involved as much. So I've tried to include Dave and pull Dave in. my mom got me, like, a cream for my belly, so I've tried to make it a goal that instead of me putting the lotion on my belly and, like, having that connection, that, David is also included in that and, like, strongly encouraged that.

It was really weird at first. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. It doesn't smell the greatest. but like having somebody else like touching your belly and talking to your belly is a really awkward experience at first. but it's definitely grown us together, at least for me. And it was definitely a learning curve of sharing my body in a different way than I had [00:16:00] before.

David: And, every Thursday, cause, that's the day that baby started developing. So almost every Thursday we watch like, well, Tina watches a, uh, this is the, where the baby is at stage and, and she shares that with me and, we talk about baby and what Tina's going through and, I feel like it does bring us together because then we're talking more about how.

Our parenting styles may, may, clash or combine or collaborate, but I, since Tina's been pregnant, I, see her as this amazing woman that's making a baby, and, how can I step up and, Even though a lot of, there is that stigma of the dad doesn't do a lot during pregnancy. I do want to step up and I want to, I want to, do what I can and not seem like a non working part of this.

And so, I, I rubber belly with fabulous gems and jellies and lotions. Um, [00:17:00] I provide, emotional support when I can, if I can, even though my emotional training is not where it need, where it ought to be. And I, I am there and I'm present as best as I can. Hmm.

Penney: That's awesome. It's a really coming together to focus on baby and that creation of a life.

McKenzie: With, uh, Johnny and I. I feel like we've always been a really good team together and worked really well together. After having Lily, I think that we've done a really good job about trying to support each other. I think we've done a good job of communicating together and working together to take care of her and really, you know, not...

identifying certain tasks for one person, but really trying to split all [00:18:00] of the joys of caretaking. So, I feel like we've, we've grown together that way and I always knew that Johnny was going to be a really great dad. And so it's been, A huge joy to see him, like, becoming that and taking care of Lily and seeing how much she loves him and, and he loves her.

It's been really special to see. Ah,

Heather: don't make me

Johnny: cry. Um. Aw. Yeah, I think we've done a really good job of just kind of maintaining, things that we enjoy together and just including Lily in those things now, too. So, cause we. We, we like to go on our walks, we like to go on bike rides, and now Lily's big enough that we've got her a little chair that goes in the back of my bike, and so it's just been fun being able to just, do the things that we enjoy, but just see it through Lily's eyes, and I'm pretty sure she likes the things we do too, so far, um, and I just want to [00:19:00] hold on to that as long as we can.

And so I, yeah, I agree. I think we've done a good job in just working together, and we've actually got a calendar in Kenzie's office that shows all the things that are happening every month, and we've made sure to switch off the responsibility of, each month, it's either her or I's responsibility to do one date night in that month, and so that we've got, we've got some friends that can help watch Lily for a night if we want to go on a date night, so.

Yeah. That's another thing that's, I think, we've done a good job of, too, is making sure that we take time to have time for ourselves, too, and have a good special night each month,

Janae: so. Yeah, definitely. I love that. And I love that it's on a calendar.

Heather: I think for Joe and I, our communication started really early in kind of figuring out what that was going to look like for Everest. . While, like before he was born, while he, while I [00:20:00] was still growing his cute little bottom. Um, you know, I think one of the, I think the, the, I don't want to call it an argument, but the debate that really kind of set the tone for how we decided to, communicate and the way that our relationship was going to go was the decision on whether to have him circumcised or not.

It was something that, they do at the hospital, so we wanted to have that decision made before we went in and I was staunchly against it. I didn't want it to happen. I thought it would be a terrible thing, and Joseph had a different opinion and I was really stubborn and I didn't want to let that go.

I thought that I was right there and, Joseph communicated really well to me. He was like, I'm sorry, but I'm a man. I know what it's like to live, in our society, whether you're circumcised or not. I've seen both sides of the coin, , because, I mean, he would. And so I had to put some faith in [00:21:00] him and I have to take a step back and go, you know what?

He's right. I I. I don't have a penis. I don't have, you know, the experience that he has. And so I'm going to have to put the trust in my husband here that he knows what's going to be best. and I, hope that we have, I feel that we have, maintained that respect and that, that ability to kind of take a step back and go like, okay, well, maybe you, maybe you have a different opinion about this because you have more experience.

But, I think that was a really powerful moment for us, for me to be able to step back and go, , Joe has some really valuable opinions and stuff, , having grown up, as a man and as a, as a boy that, , he'll be able to, To maybe do more for Everest than I'll be able to do because I just won't understand.

And he has done amazing. Everest is completely obsessed with him. Sometimes I'm jealous of that relationship. What [00:22:00] do you think,

Penney: Joe?

Joe: I think, communication for us has definitely had its, , ups and downs. like, like every relationship. I feel like the last, like, four or five months we've really gotten a lot closer than we have in the last, You know, three years, just with the craziness of COVID and, a new baby and just we've moved two times since then and , I feel like we're finally in a place where we can actually have that, , communication again and kind of regroup on what our life's goals will be, , and kind of be on the same, mindset.

Janae: Yeah, I love that coming together and. realizing each of you have your own strengths in the parenting relationship and allowing those to really shine through. That's awesome.

Penney: Yeah, it is. It's beautiful. So the next one is what struggles have come up between you and your partner after becoming parents.

Tina: so a struggle for me was every, like when we found out I was pregnant and [00:23:00] then finding out the gender, I was super excited and Thought that my partner was going to share in that excitement. , and my expectation of what that excitement was going to look like was very different of how it played out.

and so realizing that he's still excited, , but it's just in a different or shows it in a different way than what I do or what I expected, , was really hard for me because he was just like really quiet and I think more in shock. And I was like bawling when we found out. , And he just kind of like randomly put his hand around me to like try and comfort me I guess and I was expecting something very different So then the worry of well, is he excited?

Does he actually want this? and so Learning how to let go of my personal thoughts of how he should be excited and just accepting him and where he's at emotionally and what that looks like for him versus what I think it should look like and

David: For [00:24:00] me for the longest time when

 If I had been the Part creator of a child for whatever reason and this is probably a societal stigma is like, oh you created a child Well, you're screwed now. And so that kind of stuck with me and I go like wait, we wanted this This was on purpose and we are we are partners in this and we're not we're not up a crick without a paddle and so that struggle was there as I, as I was panicking and going like, Oh crap, I made something and there was an intention of making it, but it is still that old mentality of going like, Oh crap.

Oh wait, this is a good thing. This is a good thing. And so I'm really, I am excited and, and just for that, and there is that struggle. along with that, other struggles that come up between us is there, we are concerned [00:25:00] about the baby and all that. I, there are just times I do worry that we don't connect as a couple as we did before we know, learned about a baby.

And I have my concerns about that. And, , there are times that we can confirm that. And, , but that, that is one, those were probably some of the biggest struggles.

McKenzie: I think probably, , getting into new routines and trying to figure out, you know, how we're gonna split things throughout the day. It gets kind of complicated, like, if I have to work late, and then Johnny's watching Lily, and then like, who's feeding Lily, who's doing bath, who's doing... , getting her to sleep and everything like that, and then how do we fit in time for ourselves and time to time together.

It's just that [00:26:00] kind of like, how do you restructure your day to to fit all of the new stuff in and and also get everything done. And it's like, obviously, sometimes that's just impossible, but like, trying to To, , to adjust, I guess. That's, that's the thing I think I'm still doing.

Johnny: Yeah, I would actually definitely agree with that.

That is the biggest struggle for sure is, every day is different. , Mackenzie works from home, and I physically have to go into work every day. but yeah, it just kind of depends on how the morning goes and how the rest of the day is going to be. ... Balancing like dinner and the cleaning and all that one because I get home and then that's kind of when I find out How long I still have before I might have any free time So it's kind of every day is just kind of different you get home and okay [00:27:00] What's going on today?

How late do you need to work? When should I go get Lily? Is there something that I need to do before I go get her, you know? Because some days I'll take an hour for myself before I even go get her or Kenzie will be like I'm gonna be off at 530 today. So let's just wait till five and we'll both go get her And then you just work on all the chores that need to be done before that.

It's just kind of it's the constant juggling of Work and home life, I guess, is the biggest struggle, just because of every day being different, but, Like, like Kenzie said, stuff can pile up and then it just gets impossible and you kind of just have to accept it. Um, your house will become messy and there will be piles of laundry, but it can wait.

You kind of just have to make sacrifices, I guess. You're not going to always have that time for yourself. Depending on the day, so we've [00:28:00] just kind of learned to cope with that and just move on, but that's, basically, the main struggle for sure is just the daily grind, I

Penney: guess. The balancing of everything.

Johnny: The balancing of everything every day. Yeah. Of how to play it out, because then, if I want to go get her early from daycare, I usually go take her to a store or something before I even bring her home, because if I bring her home, She'll want to go see mom and then mom can't get any work done. So yeah, just balance.

That's been the hardest struggle.

Tina: Yeah.

It's good to hear that. It's a day to day thing. Cause people are already asking like, what's your plan for after baby gets here? Like, how are you going to do that? And. You can have all the plans you want, but it sounds like it's changing daily and you just got to learn how to roll with it.

Johnny: Oh, yeah, pretty much.

Lily's not gonna, [00:29:00] not gonna just stick to routine, are you? She's awake

now. Yeah, we're talking about you.

Penney: All right, Joe and Heather, what about for you? What

Tina: struggles have come up?

Heather: I think as Everest gets older and, we have to do more, , behavior modifications and put up more boundaries , and things like that. I think one of the The hardest struggles that I think we've both had is, deciding what our parenting is going to be versus what we grew up with.

Joseph grew up on a home that, had stability financially, but maybe not emotionally. and, it was kind of the same for me. I mean, we both come from divorced families, and childhood was pretty. All over the place and there wasn't a lot of like emotional security and so sometimes I feel like we overcompensate, trying to prevent that for him, we just don't want to make the past [00:30:00] mistakes and I think, I think that sometimes we overcompensate trying to protect him from the things that, that we, we didn't like about our childhood and so sometimes I think we go over the top or we get too fixated on something that, that isn't as big of a deal.

As it is in our heads, and so we've been trying to have more conversations around it and trying to be more grounded about the decisions that we are making and the boundaries that we are setting for Evie, keeping in mind that we're not our parents and our situation isn't the same, the situations were very different for our parents, and that,

 There's this moment where you kind of come to terms with the fact that your parents were still kids in some ways when they were raising you and recognizing that we're not going to be perfect and we're going to make mistakes. And I'm sure there are going to be things about what we do that Everest is not, is going to maybe look back on and not, not love about what we did and just understanding that that's okay and giving [00:31:00] ourselves a little bit of grace.

There that, it's okay maybe we make a mistake here or there, or, you know, something like that. My, yeah.

Penney: Yeah, that you're not looking for perfection. You're doing the best you can every day with what you've got.

I think

Joe: the, one thing is that we're

realizing is we have to try and be a front. You know, you gotta try and be on the same page. and I think that's been kind of our, our struggle on, Who's gonna be the softy? Who's gonna be the... The, the, the... Oh, come on. We

Heather: know who the softy

Joe: is. It's you. Yeah, whatever. That's true. But... You know, just, you know, when there's consequences, you know, sticking with the other's decision on it, and being a united front that way, I

Heather: think.

You know, ironically, we had this conversation before we even got, before we had Ev, like, a long time ago, how, I was telling Joe how much it irritates me that there are some mothers out there that will tell their kids, Just wait till dad [00:32:00] gets home. Well, Joe did that to me the other day. Everest was misbehaving and he looked at him and he said, you don't want your mother to come in here.

And I had a moment of, oh my gosh, he just threw me under the bus. So hard.

Penney: That's funny.

Janae: You can try and have those conversations and plan them out, right? But sometimes those things just come up and yeah, working through them and communicating through them. But yeah, it's

Tina: funny.

Janae: All right, so we're now moving from questions into tips. And our first one we're gonna ask you guys is, What tips can you give other parents for finding time to spend quality time with one another? so I think that came up with everyone under their struggles of like, still trying to find time to be...

Intimate or to take time to be together and you know, not have all [00:33:00] the focus be on baby or parenting so what are you guys's tips for other couples on how you're doing that?

David: Well, I know of an aunt and a grandma that would love to babysit a child

Tina: That's funny that you're Janae and Brooklyn do not have kids yet, but I have already been informed about how excited they are to have, a baby close by. so I'm sure we'll be using lots of family support for that, with getting to spend time together after baby's here. And we've talked a lot about what that's going to look like, but again, talking versus actually implementing that once they're here is...

and I think remembering that we're people outside of being parents, and it's okay to have conversations not around, baby, which is hard because that's like an exciting thing going on in our life right now. but I think starting that mentality now will only help that in the future. [00:34:00] Hmm. Yeah.

I think

McKenzie: we kind of, , talked about this a little bit earlier, but We like to put something on the calendar. , we just started getting together at the beginning of the month and kind of like putting everything out there on a calendar. So making that commitment, early on, I think is a good way to make sure that we follow through and do it.

And then the other thing is that, , quality time can be harder to come by when you have a little one. , Even like, I've thought about like, oh, let's just like stay up later than Lily and watch a show. Lily sometimes stays up to like 11, so. She stays up later than I want to stay up. So sometimes it can be really hard to, you know, find those, those spaces.

But like Johnny was saying, , bringing Lily into the things that we'd like to do, I think is still sometimes just a nice way to have that quality time, even though it's not just the two of [00:35:00] us all the time.

Janae: Yeah, that's a good, unique tip of, doesn't, you don't have to have complete separation, but you can still find little moments to connect with each other.

Johnny: Yeah, and just, , trying to, trying to gain a support system of people that can watch your kid too, so that you do have an opportunity. To completely get away and have the quality time and there's also Kenzie gets on these like apps where there's babysitters. I can't know what it's called I think it's just next door or something But you can you can reach out to things like that where there's there's literally services out there where there's people waiting to babysit a kid And then you can just have a night So, but yeah, it has been nice that now with Lily getting a little older, we're able to take her to things with us.

So, that's been really great too, just being able to include her in things that we plan on spending quality time together. It's just with Lily as well. Which isn't the end of the world, [00:36:00] that's kinda... My parents always joked that, uh, all of us came with them on their honeymoon, so... , that's just kind of parent

Penney: life.

Hmm. Yeah. I think there's a lot of truth to that, that you make it a family thing. Yep.

Heather: You know, for us, , we, we spent so long trying to get pregnant that we never really had to think about, how we were going to connect and, and get together. I guess that didn't, we didn't really have that come across our minds. 'cause we were just so used to, , it being 10 o'clock at night and being like, Hey, should we just go out like spontaneously and go do something fun?

And. , when COVID came, you couldn't do that anyways. So we are just barely starting to find ways to reconnect. And so my tip, , or suggestion for parents is, when you're finding your new normal, sometimes intimacy is going to look really different than it did [00:37:00] before. , and sometimes you have to just, , settle for, , maybe an intimate 30 or 40 minutes here.

I guess just kind of roll with what comes instead of having expectations of you're going to get, , so much time on your own because if there's anything I know about kids, it's that whatever you plan, they are going to probably somehow foil that.

Joe: Another thing that we do or have been trying to do lately is at least have one meal at the dinner table without any distractions, without the TV on or cell phones and stuff. And that can help us reconnect about the day, what we worked on or if we had any, new plans that we've got to plan for or anything like that, that it just, it's a good place to, visit and to.

Kind of reconnect about the day and stuff like that.

Penney: Yeah, I love that. Yeah. [00:38:00]

Tina: Okay, next tip.

Penney: , what is one way you have found to handle conflicts about different parenting styles?

David: well, I follow Tina's lead. , because when we babysit, , our friends kids, , I watch what our friends do. And then I see what Tina does here, and I want to do what Tina does. And , there are times that I'm very, I'm very short, or I do something wrong. And, and to be honest, like the, the, our parenting styles come more when we're parenting our dog versus a child.

Um, it could be similar, right? Um, And there are, there are things that I have learned with both the, the dog and, and watching other, kids that, I can most definitely learn from Tina, ,

and, , , as working at the high school I do and watching, , every now and again, I'll go in the nursery that we have and see the, the teachers, how they handle [00:39:00] the, the babies that we have there. , and I still think Tina's right.

Janae: So you just have her back, no matter what. That's

Tina: the way you're handling it.

That's awesome. , so I totally think I have a different perspective on that. And don't love that I'm being put on such a high pedestal. That feels like lots of pressure. Um, but, uh, You've got experience too. I know. For me, , I guess using the dog as a good example,

Penney: , I have

Tina: lots of boundaries with our dog and, , she tends to listen to me a little bit better.

And so when we take her on walks, she's used to walking with me and listening to me. , and so me learning how to take a step back or like be ahead of them or behind them and let David step into that role. , uh, dog dad, but will eventually be dad with baby, right? , and me being okay to step back and I know that he has it.

He might get a little [00:40:00] flustered and I think if I'm there, it's more pressure. So. Being okay as a mom to step back and be like, my husband has this, , and having faith in him and his instincts of being a dad. And if he truly needs help, then he'll reach out. And we've also had lots of conversations around what we want parenting styles to look like.

, and again, that's just conversations. I know once baby's here, that's going to look a lot different. But using the dog as an example, I think we've learned a little bit from that.

Penney: Gotcha. I love that.

McKenzie: This is a good question. I'm going to let Johnny go first.

Johnny: That's a tough one. I mean, so I feel like our parenting styles are pretty similar. So I guess we just, we just come to an agreement on everything. As far as parenting of how things should go because I, I don't, I can't think of any conflicts we've really had.[00:41:00]

Can you?

Penney: I

McKenzie: can't really think of any. I'd say we haven't had many so far.

Johnny: Yeah, time will tell, I guess.

Penney: Um, It still hasn't really

McKenzie: Yeah,

Johnny: I think gone that far in parenthood, I guess, to where there's been any conflict yet,

Penney: really.

McKenzie: Yeah, so far there, we really haven't had many conflicts. I think at the beginning of just both of us trying to figure things out, there was some, a little bit of, you know, it's, it's a little bit hard.

especially because Johnny hadn't had that much experience around babies at all at the very beginning and so there would be some times where, Lily was crying or something and it'd be really hard for me to let him figure it out. And so that was, uh, I think a challenge and also just putting where I had to be like he needs to figure this out on his own.

And because [00:42:00] it's, it's really, there is a learning curve there. And so sometimes I would just like have to go outside. If I was, if she was going to be crying and he was trying to figure it out, I would have to separate myself because it's almost like painful for me to hear the cries but not do anything about it.

And... I did want him to have that experience where it wasn't just me, like, always being like, Okay, give her to me now, and I will fix it. So, I think there's definitely, I think both of us will have to work together through some of those things where it's like, it's really uncomfortable for one of us. To watch something happen and be able to communicate those those things and hopefully just continue to work through Our different styles that we're kind of learning on the fly

Heather: Mm hmm.

Janae: Yeah, I love that you brought up something very similar to Tina of like learning When one of you maybe has a strength in a certain area stepping back and [00:43:00] letting the other person take take charge and Like Tina said, you know, if they absolutely need help, they can ask. But other than that, you're really just letting them figure it out.

And I love that.

Heather: I think in the beginning it was, it was really hard. Joseph was really, really nervous. He used to say to me all the time, he was worried he was going to break the baby. He was just cause Everest was, was small. He seemed very small to, to Joe. He was not, he was about. Seven, how, how big was he? He was like seven pounds, five ounces.

He was not like a tiny baby, but Joseph was very worried that he wasn't, he wasn't going to do something right. I, I, I'm not quite exactly sure what he was so worried about, but I do distinctly remember there would be times when, Evie would be [00:44:00] crying and, nothing that anybody did seemed to soothe him, .

They call that purple crying and Joseph was just so worried about it that he, he couldn't handle it. He would hand, you know, Evie off and he would need to go and take a break and, and walk away. And that was really hard for him and he really worried about that. And, I think the, best thing that I did for him, , kind of helping him to grow his confidence with Evie was put him into situations where it was kind of like do or die, He needed to figure it out, and work through that fear and grow his confidence and realize that, he's okay, that , he's not gonna hurt Evie, , he's exactly the dad that Evie needed, and that, caused some anxiety for me to be able to step, step that

needed to happen and, fate kind of intervened, , with me being hospitalized, , Joe had to, yeah, He kinda had to do it. That's been a struggle. It's still something we kind of struggle with is, is the [00:45:00] confidence, knowing that he's making the right decisions and stuff.

With that, then, , we, we try to have calm conversations around, boundaries and, and rules that we're setting up for Everest and why they're setting them up. Joe and I don't always agree on what appropriate boundaries for him may be, but we have always, and I think it's important for us to work to talk about it in a calm way and just express why we feel like this boundary is appropriate for Evie and what we think it will accomplish for him.

And so, we try not to, to let these, these things get heated. It doesn't always go that way, but we, I feel like we really try to, talk about it so that we're understanding why the other person wants to set a certain boundary. And. That kind of helps us to, to understand each other better because now I understand where Joe's mind is when he's, he's wanting that.[00:46:00]

Tina: Yeah,

Janae: getting his perspective can change the game, right? If we don't fully understand why they're so adamant about something, being able to step into their shoes and see things from their perspective is really powerful.

Joe: I think from her helping me to have that confidence, there's been times where...

Everest will just be unconsolable, and somehow, with me being calm and just working through it, I'll be able to calm him down within a pretty reasonable amount of time. And Heather's like, what the heck? How did you do that? And I was like, I don't know. I just did it. So like, it's been able to teach me that, you know, it might be terrifying at the time, but you can, you can work through it.

And, and it gives me the confidence in myself, because I was a big dude, scared the heck out of me, trying to hold him and just, Everything else for the first little while. Didn't wanna hurt him, you know, I was even afraid to change his diapers 'cause he was just like, my hand was as big as [00:47:00] his torso and it was just so, it was terrifying at the time.

But I've gotten a lot better because she's giving me, , here, learn her die learner, learn it, or you know, good luck kind of

Penney: thing. Sink or swim.

Joe: Yep. That's what I meant to say.

Penney: All right, we've got two more questions. The next one is, what do you wish more people knew, , about having and raising a

Tina: child?

I think with getting pregnant, , we kind of talked about this from the mom's perspective, but that it doesn't always just happen like that. And it's a process. . And I also think talking with your partner and leaning on your partner, , for getting pregnant and I'm assuming also while raising a child is going to be super important.

, and just learning how to work as a team together and being patient with ourselves because, None of [00:48:00] us have done it before. Like, you've helped raise siblings, some of us, , or watched babies or worked at a daycare or, I mean, those are all experiences I've had personally, but just from experiencing the few emotions that I've had since being pregnant is gonna feel very different, , and it's gonna be very different.

So, being patient with ourselves and giving each other understanding. , I think is going to be an important thing for parents to realize.

David: I would, I'd also put in, I would be put in similar situations that Joe was describing is that I don't want to break this child. I don't want to, I, my hand is as big as this child is there.

They're not made out of porcelain and . I mean, you do have to be gentle with them, but it's not like they're, they're glass dolls, [00:49:00]

Janae: Working around Lily.

Tina: What's happening over there.

Janae: She's awake. She's running things.

Penney: I wonder if their audio is going funny. I don't know.

Do you want me to jump? Yeah, go ahead.

Heather: Something that I wish people knew. That children do not fit into molds, and they're never going to fit into molds, and that not every child will hit every marker when they are supposed to, and whatever it is that your child is doing on their own time is not a reflection on you as a parent.

It is just what they need, and it is okay to let them be them and not take it as

a reflection on you, which is something that we have recently had to learn. Hmm.[00:50:00]

Johnny: So.

Joe: just to add on to what Heather said, knowing that every little person is different and they're going to discover how to do things on their own and their own timeframe and we need to help along the way, but let them figure it out. Like we're still learning to potty train him at home and a lot of people are like, well, he's so old.

He should be potty trained by now. Well, tell him that. He's not gonna change that.

Heather: Can I just say I never knew that trying to get somebody to poop on a toilet would be so hard in my whole life. He will pee in the toilet. The kid will not poop in the toilet. And I still haven't figured out how to make him do it.

So if you're in that situation, I get you.

Janae: That's awesome. I love that. Some solidarity on, you know, there's going to be bumps that you're like, I get that everyone thinks that this should be, taken care of or everyone else rolls [00:51:00] through this so easily, but it doesn't necessarily mean that every single person will. And we're, we all have our own bumps along the way, for

Tina: sure.

Penney: Mackenzie and Johnny, are you back? Can you hear us? Yes,

McKenzie: we're back. Johnny's phone just shut down.

Tina: Okay.

Penney: So, , something you wish upcoming parents knew.

McKenzie: I think, , for me, or just kind of advice for when you have new parents in your life, is just kind of making sure to check up on them, like check up on your, you know, pregnant friends and your postpartum friends and continue including them, even though sometimes their lives are a little bit more difficult sometimes to bring, you know, to always make it, always, you know, keep them included.

It can feel a little isolating as new parents, and [00:52:00] I know for me, like postpartum, It was a really emotional time for me. And so sometimes I think people just assume that like, Oh, you have a new baby. So you're, you're really, really happy and tired and don't like, they don't want to reach out sometimes cause they don't want to.

Bother you, but I think it's actually really nice to have people reach out. What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: I guess I wish that more people knew about how much it took For child care, I guess. Yeah Cuz When Kenzie and I were talking about having a kid to my parents and all that they were like, oh, yeah It's it's fine to put them in daycare.

You were in daycare like two months and you know We didn't do that with Lily, but I just I like the advice but also it's like, you know, we're not In the old days [00:53:00] anymore, childcare is a lot more expensive than it used to be. When my mom told me how much it costed to put me in childcare compared to what we pay for Lily, it was pretty shocking to her.

You know, so we're dealing with a whole different animal now. but I wish, I guess I wish more people knew about how financially burdening that is, cause it, what was frustrating to me too was a lot was expected of Kenzie cause like, Oh, she's like, you know, people at my work are like, well, I don't get it.

How come you can't make it work when she works from home? She can just watch the kid all day. It's like, no, she has to work. It's not like she can just like leisurely kind of do her job and like take care of a kid all day. It doesn't work that way. You actually do have to have complete focus to do quality work at your job.

You know, to be able to be a quality parent at home.

Penney: Yeah. If that makes sense.

Janae: we're not expecting people to bring newborn infants in and strap them to them all day while they're at [00:54:00] work.

Right.

Johnny: Like, you wouldn't like a lot of guys are just totally oblivious to that just because of how they were raised or, I think that's just an old way of thinking. I don't know. I, like, oh, I don't, well, she works from home, it's like, yeah, but, she can't Focus if Lily's there, so it's not. Her fault that we have to have daycare like have to have availability with the child care facility, you know, yeah

Janae: Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.

Heather: I just wanted to ask. , johnny a question really quick. So did you guys , have a hard time finding a daycare facility that you trusted that was also one that you felt you could afford because we have struggled

Johnny: with that.

Oh my gosh, yeah, it's crazy at the prices, but yeah, we did struggle with trying to find somewhere that we trusted as well. , we found a place that we really like. , my advice would be to get on a waiting list as soon as possible, [00:55:00] though, because there is not enough. Childcare facilities. I'm sure you guys are probably finding out in our area.

So pretty much every single one of them has a waiting list. , but there are, there's definitely two of them. I'm not going to say any names that are like really good. , cause we did find a couple that we went toward and it was kind of like, yeah, I don't know about this place. I don't know about these people that work here, you know, not trying to be open minded, not to judge.

We definitely wanted to make sure we put. Lily in a place that we trusted and she wouldn't like be like dying as we hand her over, you know We found a really good place that she's excited to go to every day So it's not impossible, but you it is it is kind of expensive But what is crazy in our experience at least is there were no daycares available and we started looking so we had to reach out to babysitters And [00:56:00] we ended up paying babysitters more than we're paying the current child care facility we're paying now.

cause it's not like the old days where some teenage girl will watch your kid in an afternoon for 20 bucks, you know? It's uh, they, they want to be paid at least, at least like 20 an hour, some of them. And that was kind of shocking to find out like, wow, really? Like it's just like, I don't want to like degrade it and say that it's just a babysitting job.

It is a job. Um, but yeah, it can be tough when you're trying to pay all your bills and then you come to find out that. Even just for a babysitter, it takes like a mortgage payment to pay for like a regular babysitter. So I would just suggest getting on waiting lists as soon as you can. and if you wanted to, you could message Kenzie and I and we could tell you which ones that we would recommend.

But,

Penney: yeah.

Johnny: It is insane how [00:57:00] hard it is to find, affordable childcare. That was definitely a big eye opening shocker.

Penney: Yeah. Last one.

So I really, I'm excited for this one. So the question is, what do you love about your partner as a mom or a dad? So when you look at them, what do you love about them in that role?

David: Uh, well, I love how kind and compassionate and patient Tina is with both. The dog and other people's children. And I feel that she'll be a very good mom and share those abilities with our child.

Tina: I'm excited to see David grow into the confidence, , that I know being a dad will bring for him. Along with, I already know how much he cares and pampers and takes care of me. And I know our little girl is going to be one very spoiled, [00:58:00] pampered, , Little one. , and my guess is she'll probably end up becoming a daddy's girl, but I could be

Penney: wrong.

Johnny: Just the pure joy and happiness that lights her face up every time Lily's up like down looking at her, you know I'm interested in whatever Kenzie's doing. Kenzie She really likes to do activities and crafts and cooking and baking and Lily so far has really been into food So I'm thinking it's gonna be really fun to watch Lily help Kenzie make cookies and stuff like that That's what I'm most excited for Because I'm, I'm not very good at that kind of stuff, but Kenzie's pretty passionate about it.

So for her to, I'm sure she's gonna try her hardest to get Lily to be a little baker or something. So that's what I'm most excited for is just watching Kenzie be that really fun. Like home economic mom, I guess.

McKenzie: I am [00:59:00] passionate about cookies. He's

Tina: right

Heather: about that.

McKenzie: Um, I, I've really enjoyed watching Johnny, like he's, he said that he's It feels like he's a big kid, and watching him with Lily, he's definitely like that.

It's really sweet to see him, you know, like, get down and play with her, and I know he's really excited to show her all of his different interests and things that he's liked since growing up, and be able to watch the Pixar movies, and... And, , do all the, the fun things that way and he, I know that he's going to be a really fun dad.

And like he was saying about going to look at toys and stuff, he was doing that like before I was pregnant. And then when I was pregnant, he'd be like, Oh, Lily needs this. Like, she's not going to be able to play with that for about five more years. So I know that this is for you. But, [01:00:00] but yeah, it's, it's really sweet to, to see her have such a loving and silly and playful dad.

Janae: That's so cute. I love that.

Heather: something that I really love, watching Joe do with Everest and what I love about his relationship with Everest is how much fun they have. where I work, there's essentially two private playgrounds. And so we will go there. on a regular basis, you know, to play because they have the best playground equipment and my favorite part of going is getting to see, Joe climb into this, Forest Service truck that's on Springs that Everest loves to drive.

and watching them play and rock the, the car and pretend that they're on like some wild adventure. Or watching them get into a sword fight. or pretend that, , they're sailors or something. And I love watching that relationship between the two of them and, and how [01:01:00] much fun that they have together.

And I, definitely think that Joseph is the best father that could be for Everest. That, that he is, is exactly what he needs.

Joe: I think with Heather, , the thing I'd love to watch is, how nurturing she is with him. Like he lately has been kind of fibbing about getting scratched all the time. And she just kind of was like, okay, come here. I'll give it, I'll kiss it better. Thanks, mama. And just the, the closeness that, you know, when he's feeling sick, he goes to mom to snuggle and he knows that she's there to take care of him when he's not feeling well, and I just love that.

Just that, that closeness that they, they have with each other.

Penney: That's beautiful.

Janae: Thanks everyone for sharing and for talking with us for hours on end now.

Penney: Thank you [01:02:00] so much for taking the time and, , for sharing in us sharing in the people that already listened to our podcast.

Thank you. In helping them support around parenting, it's such an important topic that we don't give enough attention to. So thank you very much and love your stories and love the input. And it's really given me a lot to think about. Thank you

Janae: so much. Yeah. And for anyone listening, We decided to do some parenting episodes because we have some parenting classes that we're going to be offering and they're online and virtual so you can join that from anywhere and there'll be a link in the description or the Show notes for the podcast if anyone's interested in that Just because as we were saying, there's not a whole lot of support for either sides and there's a lot to learn and get help with.

So if anyone's interested in that, feel free to check out that resource. And like Penny said, thank you all so much for joining us. It was wonderful to have you. [01:03:00] And yeah, for our listeners, we'll catch you in our next episode. Bye.

Tina: Thank you. Bye. Thanks.

Johnny: Thank you. Thank you.

Joe: Thank you. Thank you.