Ep. 19 Blended Families: Our personal experiences
This episode is all about blended or crockpot families, growing up in them, and/or parenting through them. Penney and Janae chat about their personal experiences and perspectives on blended families. They discuss tips and advice on the dos and don'ts in bringing two families together and creating space for everyone involved.
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Ep. 19 Blended Families
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Janae: Welcome to untangling relationships, a conversation between a counselor and a yoga teacher, a gen X-er and a millennial and a mother and daughter join us as we explore the ins and outs of relationships with your hosts, Janae and penny. Hi,
Penney: and welcome to episode 19.
Janae: Yeah, we're going to be talking about blending families today. , but before we hop into our topic, I just wanted to do a quick shout out. We got a response to one of our episodes. , that I wanted to share. I'm not going to share the name just because I don't have permission to do that, but. I just wanted to share the feedback. So. It says hi, Janae. I wanted to say that your emails always say what I need to hear. Also, the podcast is truly amazing. Your imposter syndrome episode really resonated with me and gave me the confidence boost to apply to a new job. And now I have an interview on Thursday. Thank you truly for the work that you do. [00:01:00] So.
Good luck on your job interview. So much luck on your job interview and thank you for your feedback. It's good to hear that. The episode really helped. And is getting out there and helping you help you make change. We make change. So good luck. And. Hopefully you get the job. Yeah. That's awesome. So, I wanted to share that. , but now we can hop into our topic for this week. Like I said, blending families, which we're actually
Penney: not going to use the term blended families. I really liked the term coined by Ron deal of a Crock-Pot family, meaning that it's really.
Janae: What's happening. Just look up. As opposed to help you not cry. Okay.
Do you want me to date? Yeah, I don't know what's happening. So, yeah, Crock-Pot family is. Like a different way of saying [00:02:00] that we're not mashing or blending, like putting everyone in a blender and making one consistent. Juice. But more a Crock-Pot family is like, you still have all the separate parts, but everyone is still together. So we're all together, but we still keep our uniqueness and the separate pieces of ourselves. , And so that's kind of why we're using a little bit of a different term. So it's less of a blend and more of a. Uh, melding, I guess. I don't know.
Penney: Yeah, definitely looking at the idea of bringing all those unique flavors and when you put them together that instead of it being one way that gets blended it's, , layers and layers of flavor, instead of one thing. And that it's far better in that way. So definitely looking at it from a Crock-Pot family, also, bringing together the idea of slow cooking the family instead of, uh, sticking them in the microwave and blending them together or putting them in a blender and forcing it to work. , [00:03:00] and really going more with that idea of slow cooking instead of
Janae: forcing. Yeah. And also kind of reminds me of the term, like the. Some is greater than all of the parts. Yeah. The whole is greater than all the parts. So each of the ingredients in your Crock-Pot recipe, On their own are great, but when you put them all together, it creates something. , amazing and unique and awesome. All in and of itself. Yes. All right. So we're going to hop into, some questions. The first question we have is what challenges came with our Crock-Pot family. Or others families that you've heard of, or, Talk to and
Penney: talk to with. So maybe just a bit of information. We became a Crock-Pot family in 2022, so 21 years ago. 2022, 2002. Wow. I'll be only a year ago. Sorry. So 2002. , so, , as I said, [00:04:00] 21 years ago, so a long time ago, When I really feel that there wasn't information even talking about blended families, it was still, you know, step families. , and very, very little information. Or help or support around how to do that. We were still in the land of shame. You shouldn't get divorced now that still exists. , but it was definitely strong. , when we were trying to put a family together,
Janae: Yeah. And he looked at all of the information now on social media about how do you co-parent, how do you, , Bring families together. It's a lot more normalized to now. I also think that reflecting back within the community and culture that we were in, when we first. Started coming together. It was very strong religious community, where it was the strong belief of like families are together forever and you're sealed with your family. And then how do you explain that of [00:05:00] like, Do you stay sealed together or?
Penney: Yeah. So a lot of, uh, religious intricacies that came into that. No, it was just thinking also we didn't have social media. We didn't really have Google. , you didn't have all of the information at your fingertips. It was go to the library or a bookstore, buy a book or, , check out a book and. , not being in a big town with a lot of access to that really limited amounts of information. It was mostly if you knew anyone, which I actually didn't. , that was also trying to put a family together. It was all new stuff for
Janae: us. Yeah, exactly said well, like, unless you knew someone that had gone through that or was going through that. You didn't really have any resources or understanding of how anyone else was doing it. And not, that was not only unhelpful for just getting information about how to do it, but also really alienating of like, Very other versus everyone else within the community of [00:06:00] like, who else is doing this? ,
Penney: the Brady bunch. Yeah, that was the, that was the
Janae: idea. Right? In front of kids. It was like, who else is doing the visitation back and forth and, , you know, having step siblings and then eventually half sibling and things like that. It was just not. Very common and talking to other kids. It was. It was weird to have divorced parents, but then it was even weirder to have the combined family. And now it's very, it feels a lot more normalized. Yeah. , so yeah. What other challenges.
Penney: Well, I feel like all of it was a challenge. I think not knowing that it was going to be a challenge, the challenges of balancing parenting styles. And I definitely said in a previous episode that I was very set in, this is how I am raising my family and raising my children. [00:07:00] And I wasn't willing to vary from that a lot.
I really enjoy structure and had done a lot of research and work around how I wanted to be a parent. And didn't have a lot of room for change around that. So I would say a challenge for me. I was trying to understand another way of parenting or another style of parenting outside of what I believed was the right way. an struggling with perspective around
Janae: that. I could imagine that you had gone through. Co-parenting with previous partners, right. To then figuring out how to do the solo parenting thing with just the three of us. And then having to then step back into co-parenting with someone else and how weird that must have felt like, okay. But I've already figured out how I want to do this on my own and thrived to doing it on your own. And now you're having to go back to. Negotiating with [00:08:00] someone else and figuring out how to do it together again. And that had to have been
Penney: weird. I actually think maybe. as you said that I don't know the co-parenting was necessarily a thing. I was the, really the primary parent was expected to be the primary parent. And had done that, whether in the relationship with your Dad, by myself, And so I didn't really co-parent. So for me,
Janae: But you were still balancing his expectations on how. Or what we were allowed to do and what were the rules?
Penney: And sir, Some consideration for that with a lot of a choice for myself around what that looked like, but you're right. Some expectations. So, yeah. and so maybe even being stronger in my, I disagreed with the way. Uh, parenting was pushed and the consequences that came from not choosing To parent the way the other partner wanted to do that. And so very strong in what I believed was the way things went and felt like our little family was a happy little family. [00:09:00] And other children would really benefit from being one of
Janae: us.
That was funny. So, yeah, that would be. , an interesting thing to have to balance and work through.
Yeah. Anything else that comes to mind. Hmm. I think that's probably the main ones. All right. So what rewards you didn't do your challenges? What challenges for you? Um, I think just the regular stuff of like, The all of the change that comes from that. And.
I think one of the challenging pieces was having a really ever being inflowing home. It wasn't like. We all came together and stayed. It was. people coming in and out and in and out pretty frequently. And so that kind of created like, Some. Unstableness of like, you don't really know how long. People are going to be there. And so it really created [00:10:00] within our family, like. Uh, core unit of people where it was, you meet Tina and interest in. And then everyone else was kind of. Uh, Auxiliaries. They're coming in and out because Travis. , being a truck driver was. Yeah. Uh, a transient in and out of the home. And then. All of the other siblings. Living. Part-time with other parents. And then sometimes moving in with us for a few years and then leaving or a few months, and then leaving and coming in and out. I think it did create a little bit of like a, well, we know we're always going to be together. And other people are going to come in and out. And we'll just figure out how to deal with that fluctuation. I think that was a challenge of just being. Getting used to having a lot of new people in and out. And then they [00:11:00] brought their friends in and out. And, you know, I think that. It was just a lot more. We had a really small bubble and then our bubble really expanded. Some other challenges.
I don't know. I guess it's just a lot of change and. A lot of change.
All at once. But then also.
Kind of getting.
Used to it, but then never really feeling like it was ever back to normal, I guess. I don't know.
So.
Yeah. Those are the challenges that I can think of right now. If that makes sense.
Penney: So what rewards came with our Crock-Pot family. I would say new perspectives. Definitely now looking back, giving the opportunity to be able to provide more support and understanding for others who are going through or have gone through the process. And I definitely can look at it now and appreciate, , all of the members of our somewhat transient family, as you said, right. That all. [00:12:00] All of the family members and who they've become and the experiences and being able to take in the positives and negatives of what we did well, what we really didn't do. Well sometimes I definitely feel like the, what we didn't do well shines through, and that creates some feelings as just struggling and trying to figure stuff out is always a challenge. so I guess the reward is humility and being able to see changes that could have been made in past that forward. Yeah,
Janae: I think one reward that immediately came to my mind when we were writing these questions was. realizing what a strength it is to be able to. B. Welcoming and understanding to changes within the family. Yeah. I feel like a lot of people have to go through that when like the first kid marries or, you know, you start bringing in new dating partners or whatever, and we had already kind of. Gotten through that and have adjusted to those [00:13:00] fluctuations. And so it wasn't really that big of a transition when we started bringing new people into the family. Or. blending traditions between me and my partner is a lot easier because I've done that already. Like, it doesn't feel as. strict or structured because. Being able to do that was already something that we figured out how to do. And. Yeah, it's interesting because both him and I come from. divorced parents and each of his parents remarried in and had other step kids. And so it's nice to be able to have someone that it's like. We both understand that holidays look different than anyone else's. And our wedding looks different than anyone else's because we were bringing not only two sides, his side and my side together, but.
Six sides. Or like eight sides together. Cause it was like, [00:14:00] you know, his side, but then it was his mom's family and then his dad's family and my side of my mom's family, my dad's family. And so. It's good to have. I would say one of the rewards was being able to have a wider understanding that family, the definition of family does not mean one thing. Yeah, it's very broad. And it's okay for it to be a really wide and expansive term. Like we have a lot of people that use the word found family. And. I think that. Allowing it to be transient, right? Some people can come into your life and in and out of your life and you can. see them as family, but then maybe they aren't as important or as. Deep in with your life, but you can still see the impact that they had on you and appreciate them for that, but also giving space for, you know, sometimes. Coming together is good when you're together, but then allowing some separation. [00:15:00] When you're no longer together, like. Being together when we were all growing up was great. But now that we're all adults, it's okay to have some space and to say, I'm going to focus on my family. Without any hard feelings for, you know, the other siblings that you maybe don't have as strong connections to any more. But appreciating their impact that they had on you when you were growing up? , one of the last few episodes that we did, if you've listened to it with our parenting, Was with, uh, Joe and Heather who we didn't see in that episode, but Heather's my step sister. And it was really cool to just see how her life has, changed and expanded and remembering back to all the fun memories that we had when she was talking about playing with her kid and remembering all the . Imaginative play that we did together growing up and funny things that we have then. [00:16:00] Remembering like my favorite book was a book that she read and gave to me. And that's my favorite book of all time. Like just little memories like that. And it's cool to see ,
How, when we were all together, we impacted each other. But now that we're all adults, it's okay to have our own separate lives. And. We can still be a part of each other's past and make space to be part of each other's present and future, but it's not as strict of, like, we all have to do every single thing together. And all of our family things has to be everyone together. So I think that that's been a reward that's come from that experience, you know, honoring each other's perspective around how that was different for everyone. Because it definitely has been. so I would say one reward was, , getting our last together,
baby. Yeah. Trista in our little. Uh, glue that holds us all together. , and, and it's also really interesting to see, like you said, we all have different experiences [00:17:00] through it because we were such a wide. Age range. Right? So we had some that were. In it longer.
Penney: And Josh was 14 when we got married, you were five. And then we had to post a new year later. So yeah, between newborn and 16. Or 15 newborn and 15. So a big spread.
Janae: so It's cool to see the widespread and everyone had their own. Perspectives and their own time within the family. And, , but yeah, it definitely a reward was. Uh, or a little. Um, monster. Interesting. Um,
Penney: who has a different perspective? Then everyone.
Janae: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I look at that and I don't ever view her as a half sibling. Yeah. She didn't
Penney: even know what that was until she was what, 10, 11, when somebody told her and she was completely shocked.
Janae: Yeah. We just didn't talk about it like that. Like, she's just a sister. But she [00:18:00] does have her own perspective around it, and it is, you know, her own. Interesting. Piece of that, that, you know, I would, I will never understand cause I, I wouldn't have gone through that
Penney: before. Yeah. Well, because it was, everybody was coming and going, do you never did? Nope. She.
Janae: She never did.
Penney: She was stable.
And I think sometimes she probably wishes she could've went to another parent. I know. Um, she would spend some time at, , the other parent's house, whether that was with, um, Travis, his ex, or with my ex and. never understood why they weren't her parents also. Yeah.
Janae: It's a, it's a I'm sure. A weird concept to try and figure out as a kid.
Penney: Yeah, you have just another unique piece to that. Crock-Pot. Blend. Or should we jump into tips? Yeah. Okay. So tip number one, remembering this is a marathon, not a sprint. Uh, a, we're not going to quickly put [00:19:00] families together. As I mentioned earlier, you're not sticking them in the blender and you're not sticking them in the microwave. It's going to take time for that, the spice to, to blend together. So my recommendation is take it really slow. Don't get married right away. Don't move in together right away. And if you're going to make changes around the moving in, if that's going to look different, as far as disciplinary traditions, try and slowly adjust those a little at a time. Over years, if you need to really give it time and let all of those flavors come together in a really natural way. Instead of forcing and pushing.
Janae: Yeah. One thing that I'll share that my partner, Brooklyn and his. Family talk about being a strength. When they came together was. Moving into a new space, a new house all together so that no one felt like, you know, well more moving into their room or I'm getting kicked out of my room because they're moving in. It was [00:20:00] well, we're all moving into a neutral space altogether and figuring it all out. At the same time. And I think if you have the ability to do that, then. That would be a tip that I've heard from him and in his side of the family, that was really helpful. Um, so finding places where you can create that neutrality. as much as possible.
Penney: And I would say from my own regret in the, there was a lot of pressure and push too quickly. Put things together instead of taking that time to do it slowly. So if you're feeling social pressure, Or outside influences around that. Don't. Don't listen to them, the bed, do the best you can to set that boundary, to know what is best for your family and the speed that that needs to happen.
Janae: Yeah. Definitely.
Penney: And tip number two, new parent does not discipline. I was big on this. I don't feel like there was a lot of honoring [00:21:00] around this. And so I repeat this with every family that I work with and something that was told to me that I held really true to my heart, that the natural parent needs to be the one to discipline that's who has that natural biological bond that already has the respect and love built for and as a. And a step parent, you're not going to have that same relationship. And instead of a feeling like gentle correction, it's going to feel. Hateful and aggressive instead of the intention of it being a correction. So really any disciplining or correction needs to happen from the natural parent? Not from your step-parent.
Janae: Yeah. It's almost like comparing it to a stranger coming in and disciplining your child, right. It's exactly. Yeah. So just because you, as the parent feel like you've developed a really strong relationship with this new person does not mean that your child has had that same experience. And so it, yeah, it [00:22:00] does feel like a stranger coming in and. If you were just out and about and a random stranger came up and disciplined your child, how would you react to that? Yeah. And your child is having that same reaction.
Penney: And I know that's going to seem really counterintuitive with the idea that, you know, don't divide the parents, make sure you're on the same page. And I do think it's important and this comes up in another tip, but I'll bring it up a little here. I do believe the important to have those conversations with your current partner, with your partner about what does. You know, the correction looked like, and what are the rules? And, how are we going to enforce that? So there are some, some. Equality. Yeah. Equality around that. However it needs to come from that partner. And, and also some understanding that maybe you guys are not going to agree on the roles. And that there can be conversation around what are we okay with? What are we not okay with? And. And what does that look like? So, yeah. So I think a lot of that one story that I think is a really interesting that for us, um, [00:23:00] practical magic, we talked about Heather's one of her favorite Halloween movies. And they do midnight Margarita's and, uh, that show. And so it was something that we created as a tradition that we would just yell midnight margarita is, and we would make Virgin margaritas. And we were doing that when. I have interest in would have been kindergarten and, you know, middle school, high school. Elementary school. So all different ages as we were going through that. And there was a lot of kickback from one of the other parents around, how could we promote that and make that okay. Um, and so you just never know what is going to come up around situations like that. We still kept doing midnight margarita. So we had a lot of fun with the Virgin margaritas and the noise and we would sing and it was just fun. But to be punished for that, for participating in that, really didn't feel equal because one set of kids that was okay with, or for, and one set of kids that was not okay for. And so I think having those conversations so that there's understanding around what does that look like and how can we work together on it while also have any quality. In how the kids are treated [00:24:00] with the other parent, the natural parent, be the one to carry that out.
Janae: Yeah. It's like you and the spouse need to have those conversations separately amongst yourself and come to somewhat of a conclusion. Or an agreement with each other. so that it does feel like there is some.
Consensus of how. What are the rules of the family? what are the, the ways that you're going to discipline and things, but like you said, yeah, the. The natural parent being the one that carries it through.
I would agree with that. Yeah, absolutely. Because there has to be. Understanding and equality in that, but the natural parent may be the one to follow through. And just to clarification with the midnight margarita, it wasn't my partner that had a problem with it. It was one of the. The parents outside the home that had a problem with it, but there was discipline around that. And some sadness that, that became a thing. Yeah, so, but definitely I would say a challenge. In our Crock-Pot family was that, that there wasn't a lot [00:25:00] of. Our parenting styles are still very different. And, and that definitely continues to come up. Even with adult children, of having to have a lot of conversations about what does family look like? And how do you, how do we make that all work together?
It was definitely still a thing. I would say another tip in this. It could be probably completely separate tip is like, For the parents. On all sides. To have as much understanding and get as much space and grace to the children who are going through. Switching. From household to household. Until you've been doing that yourself. You'll never understand what that feels like of like, Kay, when we're at this house, these are the rules and expectations. When we're at this house, they're completely different rules and expectations. And also. Being open to a little bit of leeway with. [00:26:00] When you're transitioning back into a new house for visitation, like giving a few hours of like decompression time. Take time to let them slowly reintegrate back in before you're jumping straight into other things, because it is like a complete reset and then big transition to go through back and forth.
Penney: Yeah. in a training, heard. the. The idea of doing a tradition around the change, because that was at least one way to kind of normalize that shift in the body of the body. Ready? Whether that's you go to this place for lunch or dinner after the switch every time, or you watch this show where go for this driver, do this thing, whatever it is that you can put together, that that becomes the tradition that before the switch and after the switch, There was this one set tradition that happened every time. So that it queued the body to get ready for that. And I, had conversations with her teachers at the beginning of [00:27:00] every school year until the. Kids were old enough to advocate for themselves. So mostly through elementary school that at least three days after transition, they're going to struggle and we might have some more behavior problems or more difficulty with homework or attention in class. And, uh, fortunately I had the opportunity to work with some really great teachers who really understood that that three days was important and that, that was what the schedule was and that there needed to be some kindness and grace around that. So I think conversations even outside the home about. The transition is difficult and it does bring up feelings and it does take a while to settle back in, even if it was just for a weekend. It still creates an unbalance and in the order of things,
Janae: Yeah. And it's. It's a, like I said, unless you've gone through it, it's really hard. It's a really weird experience to try and describe to someone. It's like. You know, imagining yourself, leaving your home [00:28:00] for however many days. And. Trying to do your regular, everyday things in a new environment. And then switching back and just trying to pretend like that's a normal thing is yeah. There needs to be a lot of care and thought put into how those transitions happen. Absolutely. All right. Our next one is don't force relationships. you won't all come together all at once. Don't try and force it of like, this is your new sister. You love them. Like, love takes time.
Penney: You want to be best friends. Everybody's going to get along. Yeah. I even say that with parents, I've heard a lot of parents say I'm just having a hard time loving this kid, but I love kids. So what's wrong with me that I don't have this instant feeling of love. And I really validate that it doesn't happen instantly. They're not your kids. You didn't hold them at birth and raise them as babies.
And even if you did, they're still not your kids. There's. There's an [00:29:00] adjustment that you go through that as a parent, that you don't just have instant love. And maybe it never becomes love. Maybe it becomes a space of respect and understanding and not love. And that's okay too. That it's going to be whatever it is, but give it time. Don't force it and give lots of space for that relationship to grow. You don't. Meet someone and become in love. And with them forever pushed together in a moment. Mechanic expect that from the children or, parents and child, adults, anybody in that situation, it's going to take
Janae: time. Yeah. It's like an arranged marriage, but for your kids,
Penney: Yeah, absolutely.
Janae: Um, Yeah, I would say give it time, but then also expect fluctuations and change within those relationships. I know that it was, there were. Longer periods of ease when I was younger of those relationships. And when we [00:30:00] were all younger. It was a little bit easier and things can ebb and flow. Like things can get tumultuous through teenage hood and adulthood and just expecting and respecting those changes of their relationships to ebb and flow. I think is helpful. , I do like that. You said that it's, it doesn't necessarily mean. Like you shouldn't ever be expecting love, but you can come to a mutual point of respect. I think that that was something helpful for me to start. Thinking of okay. This person. Isn't who I have chose, but it's my, mother's a spouse. So how can I treat them? Like. , you know, my mother spouse. And how can I respect and appreciate what they do for the parents? Instead of all of the feelings or expectations that come [00:31:00] from dad or stepdad or mom or step-mom. and you can have respect for them as like, this is someone that my parent has chosen to bring into their life. And how do I find respect and space for that choice? Absolutely.
Penney: All right. Boundaries are important. this is referring mainly to speaking of the parent, the absent parent, the one that's not in the home, I guess, maybe not absent, but the other parent. And of, you know, current spouse and not dragging kids into the middle of hearing all of the messiness and the drama. One thing I tried to remember and tried to tell myself, And I, I think overall did an okay job at not perfect, but always tried was I really wanted my children to know that they came from love and that we had a beautiful love story. And I wanted them to, to know that and to be able to hold that in their hearts that maybe. The love story. Didn't have a happy ending in the way that maybe the [00:32:00] fairytale does, but it started that way. And I wanted them to know that that was the place that they were born from and came from and tried to share that love story and, and hold on to that. And I would say for the most part, my ex and I had a fairly respectful, good relationship bumps and. And definitely issues along the way, but we tried really hard in a world where co-parenting, wasn't really talked about. We would meet in calendar and talk about what was best for the kids and who needed, what support. Around me getting my education and his work schedule and what our weekends look like. And at the beginning, we did a fairly good job with that had gotten messier as time went on, but I would, I would say boundaries are important, speak kindly of the other parent. Half of them is that parent and you don't want to speak badly of half of them and who they are and what those traits are.
Janae: Yeah, I think that that's a really key point of when you speak. Badly of this other parent. Any traits that that [00:33:00] kid has, that is similar to that other parent you're then speaking badly towards like half of them comes from that. And also it puts the child in a really, really weird situation of. Do I defend the other parent? , do I. It almost forces you to pick sides, which is really uncomfortable for a child and inappropriate for a child to have to do between their parents. And if you add in a step parent, Into that where maybe the step parent is even speaking badly. The other parent. , And then just the attitude within the home towards that other parent is really negative. And then all of the step siblings have this opinion of your other parent and it's just, it feels very. Strange and also puts that kid in a really impossible situation to work through. And I want to say that. Both [00:34:00] me and my partner that have gone through this. It was a lot easier for our parents to do that when we were little. But just because your kid is a teen or becomes an adult. Does not mean that they then get let in on all of the dirty secrets or, or things that the other parent did that you want to vent about. I think that we respect that a lot more when the child is young and maybe we don't want to expose them to realities of life. But it still applies when that child is a teenager or an adult. so I would say keep those boundaries the whole time. And if the kid is complaining about the other parent, try and be supportive about the other parent. Try and look at it from their perspective, don't say, oh yeah, now you're on my side and we can dig at this parent, to try. And I would say, try and act like you were still together and how would you defend them? If you were still together because [00:35:00] they might be angry at that parent for a few days or a few hours, but then they're going to go back to, yeah, this is my mom or dad. And you can't take those, those words away.
So I'd say that's a really important one. Yeah, so respect for all pieces of the, of the Crock-Pot. Yeah. And also one thing that I don't think we talk about either is respect for the other step parent that's coming in. It's an incredibly hard. Piece of the puzzle. You have experience of being the step parent. I have experience of having a step parents. And I can say from both sides of that, seen both sides of that. It's an incredibly, incredibly hard job to come into. You automatically get seen as the other woman or the other man, or like the evil step parents that has come in and stolen the parent away. That's really the narrative that you get from media, um, as a child, like the evil stepmother is such a [00:36:00] trope, right? Um, And so don't play into that as a family, try and be as much of a United front as you can and hold as much space and care for that other person as you can. I know that that. I'm sure that has got to be an incredibly hard thing. Just emotionally like this person is with your ex, like that's got to be really awkward. But also looking at it from the child's perspective, this is someone new that you're having to live with and be around and having as much care and empathy from the other side, like don't trash talk the other step parent and try and be as. Supportive as you can just because. You would want that from the other side, right. You're hoping that that's not happening on the other side either. So, and it might be someone that your child grows to really have as a part of their family, which then becomes a. [00:37:00] You know, you don't want it to be like, uh, you have to pick me or how dare you replace me? Like. Recognizing that your child has enough room within their heart and their family to have as big an as. And. Expensive of a family as they want. So, yeah. It goes for both the, both the mom and the dad, but then whoever the mom and the dad choose to be with after, um, holding those boundaries of respect. Yeah.
Penney: All right. Tip number five. Yeah, set aside time to spend time with just your kids. You can do things as a full-time family. Like everybody in the Crock-Pot come together, but it's also okay. To spend time with just that natural unit and have those moments together. Also having time with just the other parent, if that's a comfortable situation and having the natural parent, maybe get a break that's okay, too, but it's okay to divide. It's okay to have. To honor those natural units [00:38:00] and the bond and the relationship that still exists there. Without having to have everybody all the time.
Janae: one thing that I saw within both sides of the split and the co-parenting and things. Was a lot of pressure to the new or old mom. To be the caregiver, the one that's making all the plans, the one that's a part of every single thing. If you were a dad or a stepdad, Do not do that. Yeah. Agreed. Don't do that. If your kids are coming to visitation, take the time to be with your children alone or with your new spouse. But take the time to be there. Don't expect the new step parent to be the one that is taking care of them the whole time during the visitation, because it will feel like.
Uh, I don't know. It's just, it feels. Like, you're not really being, they're not really apparent. And then on the same other [00:39:00] side, if your kids, if you're a dad and your kids are coming, don't expect your spouse to be the one that's planning, everything that does all the shopping that does all the gift things. Um, don't put that pressure on them. Show up. And be a father still.
Penney: I would agree. And I do think that was the thing, right? You're the mom. So your mom, everyone discipline, everyone, plan, everything, take care of everything. And it's an incredible amount of pressure. And I know, , my stepkids have expressed that to their dad. Now. I wish we would have had one-on-one time together, or I wish you would have been present. Um, as Janine mentioned before, my partner drove truck. And so I picked the kids up for visitation and sometimes they, he wouldn't be there at all and it would be my job to take care of the children. And so, yeah, I would say that and I think he would enforce that, that. You need to take that time, even though I know it's a challenge, um, make that a priority.
Janae: Yeah. And I think it, it can cause a bit of [00:40:00] resentment of like, We, we are doing visitation to see our parent, not the step parent and the step and the step siblings. So it's like, Creating. You know, with whatever within the, your monetary ability. Maybe you take more time off during those times, or finding ways to still say like, I'm here for you and I am. Aware that, I only see you for these amount of times, then I'm going to take the time to do that.
Penney: Absolutely. All right. Last one. Um, keep things as even as possible. Uh, this we've spoke to a little bit earlier, but just reinforcing same rules, same household chores. Money spent evenly for each child. So no one feels that. this, because these kids are here, they get more because these kids are here. They get more. I know that would come up sometimes within our family around sports. That all [00:41:00] of the children that stayed at our house full-time were involved in some sort of inactivity. And there was definitely money spent for that. And I don't, and I know sometimes that that felt unfair for the children that would come into the family. Um, although I feel like they had their own things at their own house, but I know that there was some feelings around that. Around at their own house. Our house was their house too, but at their more full-time place that they were living. Uh, and I, and I know there's some feelings of unfairness, but I would say as far as like Christmas or birthdays or vacations, or back to school, shopping, all of that, keeping that as even as possible. I know for our house, I was strict on here. It was the money that I budgeted before. Here's the money I continue to budget. And in fact, as are adults, I haven't changed that amount. So it's been hanging out for a really long time that each individual. He gets X amount for X thing, and that hasn't changed and it doesn't matter whose child it is.
Janae: Yeah, I think that.
There is a natural tendency [00:42:00] to fall into an us versus them. And any place that you can neutralize that and come to a place of neutrality around the rules and chores and money to lessen that split or those different differentiations is really helpful. So, yeah. I agree. Getting on the same page with your. Partner. And then maybe also with your old partner, right. About how can you create some stability or some similarities between what the expectations are? I think could be helpful if you have a, an okay-ish relationship with your. X that you can find some space to say, this is something that is going to be straight across the board. No matter what side you're on. Um, or no matter what house hold you're in for what holidays or things like allowing that to be [00:43:00] as even spread as possible as a kid, I think could be helpful.
Penney: It was actually just thinking, I think with the amount that was said, it was set when you were babies before we got divorced. And I think that actually stayed pretty consistent. Um, with. Myself and with, uh, Jenny's dad around. Uh, mounts for things. Yeah, I don't think that changed much. Yeah. So that was an advantage that we had without having to talk about it.
all right, so move on to where it takes to. Yeah, let's do it. Maybe just before we jump into that and talking about the tips, just recognizing again, this is really hard. Um, Um, Crock-Pot families. It's an incredibly difficult recipe that really takes time and slowness and so much grace and understanding and compassion. and I just want to say any family that's going through it. Uh, I get it. And when it's not the Brady bunch and it is going to be a challenge, it is going to be, if you ask me if anything I have ever done in my lifetime, this is the hardest thing. [00:44:00] Probably the thing I made the most mistakes around that I wish I could go back and change. So give yourself a lot of grace, find support, talk to other people that have been through it, and really look for resources to support you as much as possible.
Janae: Yeah, I would also say that these are tips from our perspective. A lot of the times in our episodes, we're pulling in research in, you know, more science-based things. This episode is really our personal journey and perspectives from what we've gone through. Um, and it's not as scientifically or researched back. So take our tips in our opinions with a grain of salt. We each family that you're bringing together is going to have completely different needs. So it's okay to sift out. And take what you need from this conversation and leave the rest behind. I think there's so much. Shame and you should do [00:45:00] this. You shouldn't do that. You should be doing this. You shouldn't be doing that with parenting in general, but when you're adding parenting a blended family, It, even it multiplies that oh, absolutely. I don't allow this to become another thing that is saying don't do this. Or if you have done a D done some of the things that we're saying not to do. Understand that we're saying that because we did it. So we learned from it and we've learned for them. So if you've done some of the things that maybe we're advising against, it doesn't mean that you've ruined your family. It just means that, Hey, this is a thought to maybe take away and you can course correct now. Or maybe it's something that you're like, Hey, I know you said that this didn't work for you guys, but it's working for us and that's okay.
Penney: And that's okay.
Janae: Absolutely. Yeah. So, um, take that with a grain of salt and also we're coming at this from a place of extreme humility. Neither of us functioned within our blended families perfectly. And we each made our own [00:46:00] separate mistakes around those things. So a lot of forgiveness for yourself and a lot of compassion for yourself as you're moving through it, whether you're a parent going through it or a child going through it. Agreed. All right. So with that in mind, our next question is what's one thing that you would do differently. If you could go back and tell yourself something with some advice or what's one thing looking back that you wish would have maybe been
Penney: different. I wish we would've given it a lot more time. Um, as you talked about within our culture, there was a lot of pressure that either you do this, or here's the consequences that you put your family together right now. And I would love to push back against that and just say, we'll do it as slowly as needed and as slowly as possible, and really give it time to work out the best way that it needed to. I felt like there was a lot of that. Stick it in the microwave or put it in a blender there created damage and harm as blowing things up in a microwave and blending things, breaks things down to. [00:47:00] To mush. I do feel like some of that was created in that too fast of a process. So one thing I would do differently is really do it so much slower.
Janae: Yeah, I think mine really kind of ties into that, of. Not letting the pressure of becoming a completely blended child. Become. An expectation that you have to hold on to an I'm trying to think of the best way to explain this, but it's like, you can still hold both halfs of your identity without having to erase or let go of the other side. Um, Don't feel like the expectation to being a step sibling or a half sibling or a stepchild. Um,
Push. Or erase the other half of your experience of being a part of another family. You can be a part of both families. You can show up for [00:48:00] both families. You can love both families equally and you don't have to pick sides and you don't have to pick one family that is yours and one family that isn't. Um, so I think if I could go back and do something differently, it would be to hold that. Stronger more firmly of saying it's okay to have both. It's okay. To love. Both. Um, so that would be one thing that I would say. Yeah.
Penney: All right, spin the wheel.
Mine's an even. So what is one strength you have gleaned from being a crop up family? I think compassion and understanding of, for. Um, individuals that are going through this also, really being able to see a bigger picture. And as I said earlier, a lot of humility. For things that I wish I would have done different and having to make apologies. There's definitely the strong part of me that came up a lot at the beginning of the year that I've struggled with of. [00:49:00] Uh, really wanting certain members of the family to really hear my story, because I do feel like in this whole process, the story of, of what I was going through and who I was got lost and maybe rewritten or raised by another parent. And I really wanted to understanding around that. And so I would say a strength is learning just to let that go. That I know my story and my struggle, and I just have to sit in accountability and ownership for how that impacted others. And do the best I can to. Have compassion and understanding and seek forgiveness. And love now. Hmm.
Janae: Yeah, that's, that's such a. Strong. Seem to have to let go of, of I'm being perceived. Or my story is being told in this way. And the. The inner struggle of that's. That's not my truth or that's not how I see things, or I want my perspective to be [00:50:00] equally shared. That's incredibly hard to have to balance. And then, like you were saying, having to let go of some of that, that's really hard,
Penney: but it's also okay. Yeah.
Janae: All right.
Nope. I got the same one. All right. So another even so strengths that I've gleaned, um, I think.
The strength of. Learning to be. Flexible within what my definition of family is. And. Learning to have. Some openness and perspective of the ways families function. Has been helpful. and also a lot of similarly to you, a lot of like empathy and understanding for other people who have gone through this. And, you know, that has come up as a helpful thing within my relationship now because my partner [00:51:00] and I can talk about it and we can have very similar, like, yeah, I get what that was like. I went through that too. And. , I think that's helpful to have that understanding. Yeah,
Penney: understanding and normalizing. Yeah. Yeah. All right, rapid fire. We actually planned our up at fire this time. So it won't be as rapid fire, but our question is, uh, A thing that you're enjoying about the fall season. I think for me, it's that slowing down, almost feeling it, which is funny because we are actually busier as a family in the fall. But I feel like just overall the energy shifts and changes and you feel it a slowing down energy just within the world in general. And in the fall, I love to cook. So I've been cooking soups and going back to those that really kind of nesting caretaking feeling, and I'm really enjoying that.
Janae: Um, I feel very similarly. I like the transition. Um, I was telling my friend just the other day, like this is just such a strong [00:52:00] reminder of why I could never live anywhere where the seasons are very temperate or stay similarly the whole time. 'cause I long for that to change. And it keeps me on track of like, okay, we've switched seasons. My wardrobe can change my what I'm eating changes. even my sleeping patterns and the crafts that are like the projects that I do change. so I like having that variety. And so I've really enjoyed stepping into some new. Uh, past loves that I don't do during the summer. like the crafting and cooking and, um, just being cozy and some of the fun traditions of the season I think is really cool to, so that's what I'm enjoying.
Penney: Absolutely. I agree.
Janae: Alright. , thanks for joining us for another episode and we will catch you in our next one.
Penney: Absolutely. Have a good day. Bye bye. [00:53:00]
