Ep. 20 How Do You Create a Culture of Appreciation?
In this episode, Janae and Penney discuss the concept of creating a culture of appreciation. They emphasize its importance in personal and business relationships and discuss ways to cultivate it. They suggest mindfulness in recognizing others' good qualities, using positive language about one's body, and setting aside time to reflect on appreciations. The hosts also recommend formulating a personal mantra about what appreciation means for one's self and how to express it and creating practices toward celebrating both intentions and milestones. The pair also discuss the importance of clear communication in asking and understanding how others wish to be appreciated.
Ep. 20 Creating a Culture of Appreciation
Janae: [00:00:00] Welcome to untangling relationships, a conversation between a counselor and a yoga teacher. A gen X-er and a millennial and a mother and daughter join us as we explore the ins and outs of relationships with your hosts, Janae and penny. Hi,
Penney: and welcome today. We are going to be talking about creating cultures of appreciation.
Janae: Yeah. Do you want to give a. Reason why we're talking about this and kind of who it applies
Penney: to. I think it applies to everyone. around relationships, typically I think we think about this in personal relationships, but there's a lot of research about creating cultures of appreciation in business relationships and in places of business. And how that boost productivity and builds morale and helps with. retention of employees. So I think it's, there also, we've talked before about parenting and how appreciation is part of a parenting skill. And I also think if we have friends and relationships appreciation, there is important also. So I [00:01:00] would say. I appreciation everywhere is good for creating a culture of appreciation.
Janae: Yeah, I would agree. I also love that this will give some more actionable steps instead of just, well, we have our once a year, barbecue. Yeah. Employee appreciation or, you know, you show appreciation only on like birthdays or holidays for your family.
Penney: Absolutely. And we're talking about it being a culture of appreciation and, because if we fail to plan, right, it's that. We felt a plan, then you don't do things, right. So it has to be spelled out how am I going to do it? How am I going to make it happen? So that we're being mindful, checking in and making sure that we are creating a full appreciation. in our interactions every day. Or finding ways to introduce the topic and bring it into spaces that we engage in.
Janae: Yeah. And just having it be more at the top of the mind and also being more. Intentional with it. Yes. You know, we've asked them, how [00:02:00] do you actually want to be appreciated? And what is it that you actually want so that we're not. Thinking that we're giving someone appreciation when. What we're doing, actually, isn't working for
Penney: them. Yeah. Absolutely. So let's start with definition of appreciation. Yeah. So for the purpose of what we're going to talk about appreciation is to recognize and take enjoyment from the good qualities of something or someone. Mostly in this case from someone. So if you think about that, appreciation is recognizing and taking enjoyment. From the good qualities of someone. I think that's beautiful to think about that, that I can see your good qualities and I want to celebrate those and I want to enjoy time with you. And I also want you to celebrate those in me and take time with me to see those and make that an. Uh, a good moment. A good thing to recognize.
Janae: Yeah. And no matter what the relationship is, we've actively chosen to be. Have them be a part of our [00:03:00] life. And so it's important to remember. Why we made that choice and why we want him to be a part of our life. Sure. And if it's a workplace relationship, maybe you didn't get to have that choice. but we can also recognize and take enjoyment from the qualities and the people that we work with. Even if we don't love everything there's pieces. And we can still celebrate. That common humanity of, of where we're at in this situation and, and see their good qualities. There's a reason why they're there. And we can celebrate those reasons.
Penney: So a culture of appreciation is really building the processes and practices, Which really emulate or create that culture. So we're going to be in a culture that shows appreciation, meaning we celebrate people. And we recognize everybody's qualities. And that that becomes the way we do every relationship. You know, the way we do one thing is the way we do everything. theory with that.
Janae: Yeah, so really changing the mindset of. [00:04:00] If you have.
Janae: I'm trying to think. Like, I've definitely been around certain people or even certain groups of friends where the culture is very negative. And so if you're finding that. It's starting to happen within your friendships or your family. This is like a reset or a shift away from that. Sure. I think thinking about places, if you're talking about the opposite of a culture of appreciation, if you have a friend group that every time somebody leaves the room, you're like, oh my gosh, did you know? Or did you see, or I heard this about right when we're doing that, what is everything that they're doing wrong?
Penney: And we're noticing, uh, or we're in a workplace where the only time you go in to talk with the manager or the supervisor or other employees, is if there's a problem or an issue. We've created the opposite of a culture of appreciation instead of looking for. Uh, reasons to celebrate or somebody leaves the room and you say, oh, I just really liked that person. And I [00:05:00] love their personality or how they light up the room or the perspectives that they bring to conversations. And then when we're in a workplace, it's looking for the reasons to have conversations around the things that people did well and really creating a different culture. Yeah, it makes it a lot easier to show up. And you lose that fear of saying the wrong thing or failing. And it allows you to grow more in that relationship or in that work environment. Sure. We've talked about what happens when we're in fear and shame that we really, it shuts down those parts of the brain that create connection creativity. And allow us to really fully use our prefrontal cortex to think. So if we think about. Creating a fear-based culture. We're actually shutting down productivity versus creating a culture of appreciation where people can feel safe top of the ladder. When you're looking at polyvagal theory and allowing people to [00:06:00] really shine and. And be at their best.
Janae: Yeah, bringing us back to our personal relationships or like more one-on-one relationships. My partner and I have. I started into some home renovations. And that is definitely something that can easily trigger like, oh, I messed this up or I did this wrong, or I made a wrong choice here. Because neither of us have done any of the projects that we're diving into now. classic DIY where you YouTube things and try and figure it out as you go. and so trying to. Like penny was saying, avoid those shame and criticism because when we do drop into that, it makes the projects that we're doing. 10 times harder to get absolutely. You make way more mistakes. It becomes a struggle. No, one's having a good time and the project really gets derailed or slowed and bogged down. And so I'm just thinking of other situations or like if your parenting and your. partner [00:07:00] co-parent is dropping into more of that criticism instead of. Having that appreciation. It can make. All of the. Many, many things that you have to do as a parent, extremely hard.
Penney: absolutely. And it creates that same that we talked about at work, right. If the only conversations we're having with our children are about what they did wrong. You're not going to have a child that wants to have conversations with you, and you're going to miss a lot of their life and. And that's really sad and unfortunate to be such a distant part of that.
Janae: Yeah. And they're going to assume that the only time you're paying attention is when you're messing up.
Penney: Yeah. Yeah. And so then you're always also looking to see if you messed up and. And staying in that place of anxiety and fear. So really just thinking about appreciation is our own personal self. I do think being able to think about this conversation and how you can apply it, maybe in your workplace or how those conversations are definitely in your personal relationships, [00:08:00] but also creating a personal culture of appreciation.
Penney: Meaning my new code of conduct means that I'm going to build processes and practices within my own life that allow me to celebrate people. And look for their positive qualities, meaning I will. I'm I'm always going to look for the good I'm going to, even if I'm having a conversation with somebody that's really difficult, or I don't agree with our opinion, I can still celebrate the fact that they show up and give us up a perspective. Or I can look at what they are doing well and what they are doing. Right. And really started looking for the good qualities instead of the bad, that that really has to become a personal code of conduct that we take with us in every situation. And then if we have the power to influence. Other situations, definitely encourage that. And in our, our intimate relationships or in our, with our significant others, having conversations around how to create a culture together. Is a really important conversation. And within our families,
Janae: I love that you bring that up because a lot of the time it's like, well, I [00:09:00] don't have control over. How other people are doing things or how they're reacting to things or the way that the company culture is. And so just being able to say, well, I do have control over myself. And I can start making that change. Inward, and it's still going to have a positive impact on you. Sure.
Penney: It's going to. On you and on the people around you and help you stay top of the ladder. And, and create more of a healthy mental space and really looking at it as a code of conduct. So we really have to be willing to say what will be my process for creating this for myself. And how am I going to practice this every day in order to honor those processes and those practices.
Janae: Yeah, a big mind
Penney: shift. So we talked about this a little about our third question about why is appreciation so important. we can go into it a little bit more in depth. just talking about it. It really allows us to celebrate ourselves as we're looking for a positive qualities in others, and they find [00:10:00] those in us. And creating a culture of appreciation towards our own self and our own body and our own life is part of being appreciative. It also increases self-confidence. It inspires us. as ourselves so we can inspire others around us to be more. And it also helps us be more, as we become more appreciative people. And when we allow others to be seen and heard, we're creating more connection and that idea of reciprocity, if I'm pointing out your good qualities and I'm showing appreciation to it, Appreciation towards you, reciprocity will happen and that will come back to us and we will, we will get that in return. So then we're creating cultures in our spaces. As we follow our own personal code of conduct while we're increasing in our own self confidence and the confidence and others. Which I would say helping others feel confident in themselves and us in ourself is important. Every space that we enter. And every relationship that we have.
Janae: Yeah. And. And I think that just going forward, knowing [00:11:00] I want to be the person that when they come into the room, People feel more at ease. Or they feel more invited to be themselves or excited to talk to you. Or just more. I think Eddie's is the best way of saying just like relaxed and you know, it's okay. And they're going to. I read something recently that was like, don't assume malice. Assume incompetence. Which. I think it's helpful in like, Any relationship, but especially, well, I guess just anyone, but like. Don't assume that people are doing things too. Hurt you or they're out to get you, but just assume maybe they just didn't understand or maybe they were running late or they had a million things going on. But I think that the assumption that. They did it on purpose just to irritate or upset. You can become a little bit of a default. And we've talked to that about that before with like, Getting to that level of [00:12:00] contempt where you just think that. They're doing things to piss you off, but I think that.
Janae: Stopping that can become a part of that code of conduct. Of saying, okay, what's the other option? Did they really do this? Just to be mean to me? A lot of there, you have a finite amount of energy. Sure. What I put my energy towards, I know is not thinking of little ways to piss people off. Yeah. Um, And so they probably aren't either. Yeah. The, we call that negative sentiment override, right? Where we start to think that everything they do is to get us, or is somehow negative towards us. And yeah, I also, I truly, and I know I've brought this up in the podcast before, but I really believe people really are just doing the best they can with what they have. And they're trying to survive any way that they can. And so I think even just honoring that as a form of appreciation of. Yeah, maybe that skill was dysfunctional or didn't work well in the situation and maybe that created damage or [00:13:00] harm, but was that their intention? Probably not, but at least they're trying and they're still kicking and they're still above ground and they're still fighting and they're still doing the best they can.
Penney: And I can appreciate the human spirit and the fight. To always be trying to improve and make it through. Yeah. Definitely.
Janae: So. Allowing yourself to start creating those mental shifts. Looking for more ways to assume that assume the best of others, and also starting to change your perspective of looking for things that they're doing right. Or that you appreciate about them. And allowing that to become more than norm. Yeah. So
Penney: we'll talk about that in our next section on tips of how do you create this as being your new code of conduct? Conduct excuse me. So I think the challenge will be. After we go through the tips is to sit down and really decide what your process towards change is going to be. And how you're going to make that happen. And. And then have these conversations in other [00:14:00] spaces where you have control of those spaces to introduce the idea of appreciation. Definitely. So should we jump into tips then?
Penney: Tips for being able to create a personal culture of appreciation. The first one is to start. Be mindful of the good that you can see and others really start looking for their positives. What they're doing right. Ways that they're doing good things instead of looking for negatives, things to gossip about, or talk about, or point out if you're going to point it out, point out the good and really start to look forward to make that a priority and a goal. Yeah, I liked that. I also liked that it. If you're switching to looking for the good and others, it might switch to lessen the criticism and things you hold against yourself as well.
Penney: Yeah, absolutely. With appreciation. There's, what's called the law of reciprocity, meaning that as we do these things for others, they reciprocate them back to us and [00:15:00] they come back into our life. So it's a beautiful thing that is we see the good in others. They will see the good in us will start to become more positive and look for the good in ourselves. And it really creates a life changing opportunity. Yeah.
Penney: So next tip creates some sort of a mantra about what appreciation means for you. So decide what is whenever you create a policy, at work or in. Life. If we're going to say this is going to be the thing. We generally have words around it. About what it means. So I have my definition about what appreciation means. What's yours and create that. Define it. Really decided what a culture of appreciation means for you. for yourself personally, if you're doing this with your partner, what this means for you and your partner, and if you're doing it with your family, what this means for your entire family. And if you're doing it at work or with coworkers, what it means for you as a group.
Janae: Yeah, when. We do our couples work around culture of appreciation. We have them [00:16:00] create a. Um, Missions. The statement. The mission and value statement. So. You can come together and kind of create that. And it really sets the tone of, okay, this is what we're working towards, and this is the tone that we want to have in our house. And this is what we would like to have our relationship centered
Penney: around. Yeah. Really sets definition around those. So everybody's on the same page. Which can be very powerful. Yeah, absolutely. Tip number three, notice and celebrate intentions and milestones, not just final outcomes. And successes. We're really good at celebrating graduations. the big end of award the trophy at the end, instead of every game that you want or every play that was really well, or the test that you passed or. each report card that came out, there's so many tiny milestones along the way that get pushed aside for the we'll celebrate. When the big thing happens. So [00:17:00] I really think being able to take time to celebrate those milestones and. And find value and excitement around those.
Janae: Yeah. I also like that you talked about. celebrating intentions. So, you know, if your partner or someone in your life had the intention and tried to do. Something. Um, Maybe it didn't go as planned. You can still celebrate, like, you know, thanks for having the thought or thanks for trying your best on having the intention of. Trying to follow through with this. Even if it doesn't always turn out the way you want it to cause life. You know, life is unpredictable or things get in the way and stuff happens, but it doesn't mean that the intention wasn't there.
Penney: Absolutely think that goes true in the business world, too. And know as business partners. We have a lot of intentions of wasted grow and things to move forward on. And instead of just celebrating the outcome, if it is successful by our [00:18:00] definition of success, it's the intention that we did it and we put it out there and we tried and we worked towards it. Celebrating those intentions, also the intentions of your, your children. If you're a parent, what does it look type to celebrate their intention? Maybe? Their intention was to clean their entire bedroom. And the garden half done. Yay. Let's celebrate the half instead of focusing on the half that isn't done and really honoring those intentions and the milestone of what was accomplished.
Penney: Yeah, definitely. Number four, be mindful and notice how you and others want to be valued and appreciated. Oftentimes we think we know. But we really may not know, and we may be appreciating people in the way we want to be appreciated. And missing the mark on how they want to be appreciated if that's. words of affirmation or if that's gifts or if that's time with where, if that's notes or cards or, in working with couples and talking about how they want to be appreciated. This is a variety of options that come up here. And [00:19:00] oftentimes the partner doesn't know, one partner is really trying to show this and is missing the mark. So it's really important. I definitely been in work situations or business situations when, the owners do one big thing or this thing, and it's really just not motivating or doesn't feel. like I'm being appreciated. This is not honoring my way of being appreciated.
Janae: Yeah. And I love one, we're working with couples and we get to this question and they're like, oh, I already know. And it's like, well, you should still ask. You don't. Always no. And most of the time they don't. Yeah. It's a toss up, right. I
Penney: would say the majority of the time they really don't or they'll, or the partner will say, well, yeah, but you know, when you did this thing, that really actually meant a lot more to me. And so it's really important to ask the
Janae: question. Yeah. How often are you asking people? Like what makes you feel most appreciated and what are the things that I can do to make you feel [00:20:00] appreciated in the relationship? I also think it'd be interesting to do that in like a friendship. Um, Setting as well. Absolutely. She's just, don't
Penney: talk about it. No, we don't think about how does my friend feel appreciated. And so I, I really think first off, sometimes I think we don't value and appreciate our friends. And. And then even having that conversation around how to do that for them.
Janae: Yeah. All right. Last
Penney: one. Yeah. Number five is set aside time to reflect on The appreciations and. Setting this up to do this daily or weekly. If this is something that you're doing as a family, have a. every night, we're going to talk about how we showed appreciation or, or how we did on our appreciation mantra, or we're going to have a weekly family meeting, or if that's we're talking business, it can be quarterly or weekly or monthly. And if you're talking friendship, we get together and we have coffee once a month where we talk about. How did we, how did we [00:21:00] do on our mantra of showing appreciation? And if it's a personal one, when are you going to check in with yourself and identify, how did I do. At following through on the mantra and looking for the good and celebrating milestones and intentions. And. And ask you to others, how they want to be appreciated. So really if we don't plan it, it doesn't happen. So put it on your calendar, decide when you're going to do that. Is it going to be a daily thing, a weekly thing, a monthly thing. What is it going to be? And then write it
Janae: down.
Janae: Yeah, definitely. If you don't have a plan, it's not going to happen. Yeah.
Penney: We put it on the calendar. Yeah.
Janae: All right. It takes two. How can showing appreciation in your relationships add
Penney: value to your life? I talked about that a little bit with the reciprocity, that everything, , that we talked about earlier of self-esteem and increase self-confidence and. , that bigger sense of adventure and creativity that comes from living a more appreciative life. [00:22:00] Is, I mean, that comes to our life too. Right? We give that to others that comes back to us, and that has huge value in so many ways to be able to have those connections and. That.
Penney: The confidence to be able to step out and do new things.
Janae: I think for me on a personal level, it's helpful too. Combat mental illness of like, feeling like, oh, everyone everyone's mad at me or what I do is never enough and things like that, I think. Having this kind of culture in work and in my relationship. has helped combat that. And. I think that if you do find yourself with those kinds of like inner critical thoughts, this can be something that can
Penney: be really impactful. Yeah. With the Gottman's research, they talk about negative sentiment override, which is the belief that everything our partner does is to harm us or hurt us. And we start to see. [00:23:00] All of their intentions, maybe not all of them all as a big, all encompassing word. Right? So their intentions often as negative. Or in some way harmful, and we really start to see them as the enemy. And ourselves as a victim showing appreciation directly combats that, that we start to see their intentions as good. And start to value their actions and. Show appreciation for them, combats that and makes a difference in that relationship house. Yeah,
Janae: for me, it oftentimes goes the other way, where it feels more like. I'm looking for signs that, that people are mad at me. not that I'm looking for signs that they're trying to be mean to me. So it's more like, boosting self-confidence and boosting like.
Janae: I guess letting go of that belief that making a small mistake is going to end up being a really big deal. Yeah.
Penney: What are two ways that you can show appreciation for your body? [00:24:00] Um,
Janae: I show appreciation for my body. Bye. The daily acts that I do to take care of it and also changes in the way I talk about. My body, but then also calling things out. If people are talking about their bodies in a negative way around me, I just call it an I say, please. Don't. Talk about that kind of stuff around me. I don't want to hear about it. And, you know, I think being more assertive of, I don't need comments on my body and I don't need you to comment on your body or other people's bodies around me. Yeah. So that's a big one. , a shift. Of just having clear boundaries around that for me.
Penney: I definitely from me raised to show appreciation for my body is. Recognizing the strength that it has and the things that it has performed and really actually saying thank you for alikes that carry me. The brain that provides [00:25:00] for my family. The. The creativity that shows up every day. So really showing appreciation for all the parts of my body verbally and saying that. And then also the taking care of taking time to walk and eat healthy, get the sleep, drink the water, all the things that really not only say thank you body for doing all of this, but let me help you continue to do your job the best you can. And I would challenge anybody out there to answer this question for yourself. What are two ways? That you show appreciation for your body. And yeah. Those are lacking. What are two things you want
Janae: to change and do. Yeah. Alright time to spin the wheel.
Janae: So we got a six, even what are two ways that you can start? Showing more appreciation in your relationships. So for me, this one. I would like to sit down and do the culture of [00:26:00] appreciation worksheet that we have, that we have our couples do. And I want to do that with my partner, because I haven't asked him how he wants to. Be appreciated and we haven't had that conversation. So I think that's, , a big one and then setting a plan and following through with it. So, yeah, those are mine. Okay, let me spend. So
Penney: you and I got,
Penney: I got a one, so I got a nod. Uh, what are two health benefits of showing appreciation? I've talked about those a little bit, maybe more of the mental health side. But any time that we're improving our mental health, where lowering cortisol helps us be calm or helps us be more engaged increases connection. less adrenaline pumping in my body. Healthier for my heart, my respiratory system, my entire body. So I would say all of those health benefits across all the
Janae: systems. Yeah, definitely. All right. We're onto our rapid fire. Closing up this episode. What's one thing about your family. You appreciate as you [00:27:00] head into the holiday season.
Penney: for me. I appreciate the kindness and acceptance that comes into my family. Not just my extended family, but the little family that I have created that we've really learned to give space for people. If you can show up, show up in any way that you can show up. And have less judgment around how people show up. So if you can be there for 10 minutes and then you need to take a 20 minute break. Great. If you need to eat in a certain way, we'll take care of you around that. And everybody can just show up in their own way and have acceptance around that. And I really love that and appreciate that about my family. Nice. I think for me with this question, the first thing that came to mind was just all the fun and the goofiness and fun sense of humor that comes out. In each different size of the family. And even with my partner side of the family that we go and hang out with for the holidays, it's just fun to be around everyone and see [00:28:00] everyone's personalities come out and. Playing games and just laughing and. Just having a lot of joy and fun. And I just feel like you don't do that very often. As adults.
Penney: Yeah. I feel like we do it every time we get together. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun. It's good that it is a fun thing. Good to see adult speech children, right. In that way, or act in that.
Penney: I don't know that innocent childlike manner of just fun.
Janae: Yeah. Going back to your childhood with your siblings or your partner's siblings or whatever, and just letting loose and being silly. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. Alright, thanks for joining us for this episode and we'll catch you in our next one. Bye.+ [00:29:00]
