Bonus Mini Episode 6: How to have a conversation about boundaries
This is a bonus mini-episode! If you would like access to all of the companion mini-episodes for each main episode you can become a patron. You can sign up and get more information at www.patreon.com/UntanglingRelationships
The actionable steps you can take to have conversations about boundaries. Use these phrases and steps to guide you through the hard conversations of boundary setting.
1. Find a time to have the conversation where you can have a clear, calm, and confident voice.
2. Use a gentle start-up
3. Be direct, specific, and clear about your needs
4. Allow the other person to express their perspective and feelings
5. Find common ground and understanding that meets both of your needs and boundaries
Tips at the end of the mini-episode for what to do and say if your boundary conversation goes sideways. ❤️
Get more information about couples/parenting communication courses, retreats, and events at hilltopwellness.net
Mini 6 Having a Conversation around Boundaries
Janae: [00:00:00] Alright, thanks for joining us for our mini episode on how to set boundaries or. Having conversation around boundaries. Again, this is our companion episode to episode number six. So, if you haven't listened to the main episode for episode number six, you can go check that out first. and. Yeah, we'll get
Penney: started.
Awesome. So the reason behind doing this is what I have found, and maybe you can relate in your own experiences. Is that when we start to set boundaries, And go through that process. It often comes across. In, uh, almost an aggressive way because we really don't know how to have the conversation. Sometimes we might be emotional. We might be nervous.
About what the outcome is going to be. And so we tend to just kind of a. OnGuard and come [00:01:00] into it in a real attacking manner. Or perhaps in a manner that is really timid and doesn't set a very strong boundary. So we're going to talk about how to set boundaries in a healthy way. That is clear and kind, um, remembering Bernie brown saying clear is kind and people treat us like we want to be treated. So we're going to let them know how we want to be treated. We're going to be very clear.
About what the boundary is, so that everybody's on the same page. So number one, step in how we set boundaries. We want to find a time to set a boundary when we can use a calm, confident voice. We don't want it to happen during a time. When we're angry when we're elevated, when we're flooded, when we're fearful. I mean, if you're in a situation where you are in fear, it's okay to tell someone to stop.
Uh, but those day-to-day need to have conversation. Boundaries happened around a time when we can be calm and confident in what we are saying.
the [00:02:00] next step would be using a gentle startup. So a gentle startup, if you haven't heard the, the recipe for that, it goes like this. I feel.
stating what you're feeling in the moment I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling nervous about the conversation. I'm feeling. Concerned about meeting to set boundaries, whatever that feeling is, make sure you're really clear about what you're feeling before you step into the conversation. So I feel about what, what is the feeling about I'm feeling.
Nervous about your not respecting my personal space or whatever that is, whatever the need or the situation is. So I feel about what. And I need as the next step. So this is where we really get to state. I need to set a boundary. I need you to, whatever that is. So, what do you need [00:03:00] from the person? I need you to respect my personal space. I need you to communicate differently.
I need you to whatever this is your opportunity to set the boundary. And then the next part of that is give some sort of an appreciation or kindness around if you could do this, it would be very helpful. I appreciate it when you have respected my other boundaries. Uh, just some sort of an appreciation or a kindness of the end of that. So that is the fast definition of a gentle startup. I feel about what.
I need and appreciations or kindnesses of the end of that. And that's a statement that you are. Saying to the person. That you're having this boundary conversation with yep. Clear, calm, confident voice. Around how you feel, what the situation is. What you need them to do in order to have the boundary and, um, what appreciation you would have for them around setting the boundary.
The next part of that is be [00:04:00] direct and specific. So when you do that need statement, Um, also forming a need statement in a. Call it a positive need statement or a way to say here's what you can do instead of which I don't want you to do is helpful. So be really specific about what the boundary looks like when it's met.
Um, so I think we've talked before about some workplace boundaries and we've kind of talked about if there's timelines around things that you need done. So we can talk about that one. That might be a good boundary since not something we've talked about before to put into this. So it would be. I feel overwhelmed.
When, um, timelines come up faster than what I'm aware that they are. I need you to give me two weeks notice on any timelines that might be coming up. It helps me be more efficient and I really appreciate it when we have that type of working relationship. So putting it into a need statement and, uh, [00:05:00] that allows them to know how to be successful. Not a don't do this. If that makes sense.
Yeah. Switching it. In that way, makes it feel like less of a criticism, which we've talked about before. And it helps keep everyone out of a place of defensiveness. Yeah, absolutely. So another way to put that if you are in a mother, daughter, relationship could be. I feel worried when you are out past curfew.
I need you to be home. By midnight or give me a phone call by midnight to let me know what the situation is and ask for approval for, for a different time. It really helps me to be able to be settled in my body and be less worried about you as a mom. And I would really appreciate it if you don't give me more gray hairs than I already have. So you can add some humor to that in the end, but again, it's not a criticism about how your child has made [00:06:00] mistakes.
But in need statement about how they can meet the needs that you have and why those needs are important.
And put a little bit of pressure on Janae and let her do, uh, A gentle start up needs statement around boundaries in a couple of maybe one that she would use in her own relationship or has used in her own relationship. Um,
Trying to think of a, such a common situation that would be good to pull up a boundary around.
Um,
I think I could say.
I feel.
This connected.
When.
We go to bed at different times. And I. Need.
Recognition or high need. Um,
I think I need a 20 minute warning before. You're ready to go to bed so that I can start getting ready to go to bed. And I know.
You have done that in the past. And [00:07:00] I appreciate when you have done that in the past.
Um, hopefully those examples help to really understand of, uh, uh, that clear kind, direct, specific way to ask for a need to be met in a positive way. So the next step of this is allowing the other person to. To express how they feel, be considerate to them and hearing their perspective, remembering their perspective is just their perspective. It doesn't mean you have to change your boundary or.
Or move your boundary. It just means you can also give them a chance to say, how do you feel about that boundary? And is there anything that you need from me around that boundary? And given the other person a chance to say their perspective and being open to hearing the other person's point of view and perspective around the situation.
I
was really important. Yeah. I really like that. You can listen to someone else's perspective without it needing to change your own perspective. [00:08:00] You can have separate realities of what the situation is or what's going on. While also. Being able to hear both sides and. Give space for both sides. Absolutely.
Absolutely looking at the other perspective and stepping out of defensiveness that if the other person comes back and says, well, I need this boundary map because they may also have needs around the situation and that's okay. Being open and being able to say, okay, I can hear that perspective too. And I can respect your boundaries also, given they don't infringe upon the boundary that you have just said.
But being able to, to find a place of common ground and an understanding around the boundary of the situation. So we don't just set the boundary and anger and say, this is how it is and you have to follow it. And then we. I walk away in a storm of triumph and glory. It's really a conversation about what you need to have in order to feel safe or meet a [00:09:00] need. Or as we talked about in the main episode, be able to honor a value.
That you have in your own life. And being able to give that other person an opportunity to also express a need that they have and that's okay. And being able to see their perspective around it without judgment. Uh, we'll also hold it on to our boundary in a, not defensible. Not defensible way. You don't have to negotiate.
We also don't have to be defensive.
Yeah. What would you say if the conversation turns. Bad like saying you're setting a boundary with your family, maybe as an adult. And you've had a conversation you've you've put out your needs statement. And they react. Poorly or like, You have an overactive reaction. Um, what are some tips on how to continue that conversation or move out of that [00:10:00] conversation?
Well, my first tip would be evaluate safety. Is this a situation that has become unsafe for you? Because if it is it's okay to leave the situation. Um, check in with yourself to see if you can stay present. If you're feeling flooded. And if you are feeling flooded again, step out of the situation, let the person know, Hey, I feel like this has gone.
In a direction I wasn't expecting it to go or is overwhelming to me. I need to come back to the conversation and I need to, to move myself into safety. If you're an adult, hopefully you have set it up. I always recommend that people have an escape plan. If they're stepping into a situation that could become volatile, then.
Uh, I have my own transportation. I'm in a situation where I can leave if I need to. And you have a plan for how to keep yourself safe, safe, and protect yourself around these conversations. If needed. And then you, so you can enact that plan or you can remind them, Hey, I'm, you know, trying to have a calm conversation. Is that something you can feel like you [00:11:00] can do right now? And if it's something that they can't do, then you can just say, then I guess this is something we can come back to later.
You've at least set the boundary and then you have to stick with the boundary. You can't even if they get angry and they don't like it, or they're unhappy, you don't have to change it. You're you're really doing it based on that. The value system that you have set up for yourself and being able to honor yourself, and then you have to follow through on that, even if it makes people unhappy.
What would be a good phrase that someone can use to close that conversation? If they're getting pushback? My response would be, I can see that you are also feeling overwhelmed or I feel like we're both in an emotional place. Where we can't have a healthy conversation and I don't want to damage the relationship further by continuing the conversation. I'm going to ask that we pick it up later when we're both calm.
I always like to reference back to a damage to the relationship. If you're setting boundaries, you're willing to set [00:12:00] boundaries up to someone because you care about the relationship. If not, you wouldn't put the effort into setting the boundary. So remembering, Hey, I don't want to damage the relationship more by having conflict or having this go in a negative direction. I'm going to remove myself and let's come back together when calmer heads prevail and.
We can have the conversation in a way that doesn't create damage.
Awesome.
All right. So we hope that you can use this. As a helpful guide. And tool to have those. Boundary conversations. Um, I'll be sure to list out the steps that we mentioned in the. Description of our little, um, Mini episode here on Patrion. And then, you know, if you have any questions or want clarification on any of those steps, feel free to pop a comment in and let us know. And we're happy to clarify where you, where you need.
Um, but good luck setting your boundaries. And. You've got this. Absolutely. [00:13:00] You can do this. All right, we'll catch you next time. Yeah.
