How to Create a Culture of Appreciation in Your Relationship
Do you know how the people in your life want to be appreciated?
Building a Culture of Appreciation is a big job. Let’s break it down together.
Dr.s John and Julie Gottman’s research has highlighted the importance of appreciation in relationships. Appreciation is recognizing and taking enjoyment from the good qualities of something or someone. I love to think about this definition and how this works in relationships. I want to enjoy time with the people in my life, find joy in the time we are spending together, and get enjoyment from those relationships as they enrich and enliven my life. I also want others to notice my good qualities as I celebrate theirs. So, what is not to love about giving appreciation? However, understanding the beauty of appreciation does not make it easier to be appreciative daily in relationships. In order to bring appreciation daily into our relationships we need to have a plan for making it happen and be mindful of the impact it is having on our lives and relationships.
There are many advantages to being more appreciative in relationships for you and for those around you. One advantage is the rule of reciprocity applies, meaning when we are more appreciative of others, they are more appreciative of us in return. So, all of the benefits apply to all parties. Being more appreciative allows us to celebrate other’s strengths, see the efforts they are putting forth, and celebrate the daily wins, and in return, we do this for ourselves with the support of others. Our self-confidence increases as we are more celebrated and the confidence of those, we are in relationships with does also. Appreciation in relationships also creates inspiration to be bold, try new things, and create more connections. The benefits of making the change to a more appreciative life far outweigh the work required to make the change happen.
To bring appreciation into each relationship, we can create a personal culture of appreciation. This starts with identifying the process of being more appreciative towards others in your life and creating procedures for ensuring the daily appreciation happens. This becomes a new part of your personal value system and a new personal code of conduct. Take time to be mindful of ways you want to show more appreciation to others and how you want to bring that into your life. Write down the ways you want the change and either write out or do some art around what being more appreciative looks like in your daily life.
Once you have pondered on how you want appreciation to show up more in your daily life here are some tips you can use to make it happen:
1- Amplify others by looking for the good. Instead of seeking out ways others have let you down or have harmed you think about what they are doing right, what intentions are behind their actions, and give them the benefit of the doubt.
2- Create your own mantra about what appreciation means for you. For me, this is “Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have, and I appreciate the way they keep showing up to the struggle and making it through day to day”. I truly seek to see the strength and beauty in the battle even if this might be difficult for me at the moment it is most likely not about me.
3- Notice and celebrate intentions and milestones not just final outcomes and successes. We are great at celebrating big events such as graduations or final awards. However, the tiny moments along the way also need to be celebrated. Each test, each task completed, and each moment of triumph is a moment to celebrate and show others you appreciate their efforts and see their struggles.
4- Be mindful and notice how you and others want to be valued and appreciated. Notice how those around you show appreciation because that is likely how they want to be valued. If in doubt you can also ask. If you want to show more appreciation to a co-worker you can ask in what ways they want to be celebrated in their daily wins and struggles and then you have the map needed to show that individual appreciation. This applies to all of the relationships in our lives. Sometimes we think we know the right answer and we might be showing large amounts of appreciation, but the other person does not see it. An example would be if I tell my partner daily how much I appreciate him doing the dishes every day and how much I admire our teamwork, but if words are not important to him he will not feel appreciated, maybe he needs more physical touch so adding a hug would show him the appreciation and send the message I want to relay. So, if in doubt just ask.
5- Set aside time to reflect on daily or weekly appreciation for those you value, including yourself. Outside of the small daily appreciations, make time for bigger celebrations such as lunches, dinners, gifts, or whatever it is the other individual or yourself wants. Make sure to add these to a calendar so you do not forget them and fall off of the appreciation wagon.
Good luck making these amazing changes to your life and relationships, and.. Thanks for reading I appreciate you!
Penney