Crockpot Families
Step-families
This is a topic I wish I had known so much more about 20 years ago, boy would I do so many things differently. I was re-married 21 years ago and brought my 3 kiddos together with my partner’s 3 kiddos. We then added a seal-the-deal baby, we call her Sid the sloth because she is the best of all of us and is the sticky stuff to hold us together. I, of course, was expecting to have a Brady Bunch family with everyone getting along and coming closer together. As you can imagine without the support, knowledge, and know how we had many challenges. So, I am writing this week’s blog to talk about what I would do differently and ways to avoid some of the same pitfalls.
Tips:
I love Ron Deels, Crockpot family definition, we don’t blend we all come together in one pot. A crockpot works on 2 principles time and heat, very similar to a family coming together. You have the energy of being in the same space to act as the heat and time must be taken to allow everything to soften and become one cohesive flavor while still remaining its own piece. Such as in a stew, the meat and the carrot remain their core selves while taking on some of the flavor and influence and enhancing themselves while softening into something amazing. So, bringing a family together must be taken slowly and allow time for the beliefs, personalities, traditions, and unique parts of each family to come together. Remember you are creating something new and unique and this masterpiece is worth taking the time.
If you have met the person you want to marry and be with don’t jump right into marriage and putting children together or with the new partner. Take the time to slowly introduce changes. Again it is a crockpot and needs heat and time. Very few things come out of the microwave tasting amazingly with full flavor. Moving a family in together and making changes to traditions, schedules, priorities, and relationships is too much heat and pressure you will not end up with a unique pairing but an artificial or mismatched family. Make changes slowly over time introducing new ideas and relationships and then allow them to sit and soften into a comfort. Once comfort and softening in relationships are established you can move forward with marriage and moving in together.
The new parent does not discipline. Biological parents are responsible for their own children. This might seem counterintuitive, but respect is built over time and the unique bond you have with your child and the way you lovingly correct can only come from you as the natural parent. You have a special attachment with your child and need to honor this relationship. You can support each other as parents and discuss what rules you want for your family, however, the new parent is not the one spearheading the correction.
Don’t force relationships. You won’t find love all at once. Taking time to build understanding, respect, and love with new relationships, knowing this could take years and may not even happen until the children are adults. Give it the space and time needed to grow. Again when this is rushed it will create damage and mistrust. Follow the child’s lead and check in with them about what level of relationship and involvement they would like to have with their new siblings or parent. Giving them this space allows them to feel heard and respected building trust.
Boundaries are important. Speak kindly of the other parent not in the same home; half of the child’s identity and/or DNA comes from the other person whom they love and care about. Also, remember all parental relationships are important creating attachment wounds by making a child choose their loyalty causes a lot of damage. You might be hurt, angry, or sad about the actions of the other parent however the child does not need to echo and feel those same emotions. Allow them to have the relationship they would like to have with all parental figures.
Set aside time to spend with just your kids. You can have a mix of time with the new parent and children and time as a family, some experts recommend this approach. However, you need to make time with your children a priority. Time with your children can get left out of the mix as you build new relationships, so don’t forget that time and relationship with just you are important for your children. Keeping up the parent-child relationship is core to healthy attachment and relationships.
Keep things as even as possible. If you are bringing two sets of children together with each parent correcting their own children it can become disconnected with one set of children being treated differently. You need to be checking in with your own feelings of shame and guilt which might be coming up for you. Are you buying love and approval or maybe transferring your own feelings or anger onto your child? I would recommend if these feelings are coming up you seek out counseling and resolve your feelings so you are not correcting your children based on those feelings. You need to have a conversation with your new partner about rules, household chores, and money spent on each child. You can then start to make those changes prior to moving in together so change does not feel overwhelming all at once or the new partner is blamed for the changes and animosity formed. Once in the relationship be accountable for holding yourself to the rules established together and show up as partners. Everyone follows and agrees on the rules together so everyone is equal in the pot.
I know these are fairly simple suggestions and may not have applications for everyone, but this is the advice and knowledge I wish I would have had when starting to grow my crockpot family. Good luck with putting families together and please take the time to do it in a healthy and respectful way so everyone is allowed to come together in their own time and way.
Have a good week.
-Penney