The Importance of Physical Touch
I want to focus this week on non-sexual physical touch and the benefits of physical contact. The pop culture terms “skin hunger” and “touch starvation” have been used in recent years to describe a lack of physical touch and the mental health struggles that come from not receiving physical touch. The importance of physical touch was first studied in the 1960’s by Harlow using Rhesus monkeys demonstrating how touch is as sought after, desired, and needed as food for development and healthy growth. The need and benefits of physical touch extend throughout our lifetime. Individuals who are not receiving physical touch describe feelings of being ill at ease, disconnected, dissociated, lonely, isolated, blue, depressed, and maybe even a little listless. I imagine this as like a plant without water becoming droopy.
Physical touch has been shown to lower stress. When someone touches us, it releases oxytocin in the brain which is our feel-good chemical so imagine with the skin being the largest organ in the human body how much oxytocin can be released with a bear hug. Several research studies have demonstrated holding a loved one’s hand or other physical contact can decrease and even alleviate pain. This is most likely why we reach for a hand to hold during times of physical pain. Another study with romantic partners showed women who experienced regular hugs with their partners had a lower heart rate and blood pressure. Hugging has also been shown to activate the reward part of the brain and decrease feelings of self-doubt and fear. Physical touch is an excellent form of relieving stress, decreasing pain, lowering self-doubt, and keeping fear at bay.
I delineate non-sexual physical touch because, in my work with couples, I often hear about one partner cringing or avoiding physical touch from their partner because there is an expectation or fear that all physical touch leads to or needs to lead to sexual intimacy. There needs to be physical touch where we are making our partner feel good in their body without any expectation of sex. Physical touch can come in many forms and there is a continuum with some people needing a high amount of touch and others needing only a small amount of touch. This can be based on culture and personality again thinking about it as a plant, some of us are water lilies and some are cacti all on a continuum of need. This can be tricky to navigate in relationships when the need is mismatched between partners and compromise needs to happen to meet both partner's needs.
Physical touch can be found and offered in many forms outside of a romantic relationship so let’s talk about some options if you are suffering from skin hunger. Massages can be a great way to provide touch and get touched in a non-sexual way. You can get a massage from a professional or ask a friend or partner for a bit of a shoulder rub. You can also offer to give a massage as this will provide you with the skin contact needed and benefit the other person also. You can get a manicure or pedicure which is another great way to be touched physically by another human without being in a romantic relationship. Getting a haircut is another form of non-sexual physical contact. Go out dancing either with your partner, or friend or meet someone there. Even if there is only touching of the hands during a dance this will meet the need of providing touch. Give physical touch or cuddle with friends. You need to set boundaries ahead of time and ask permission, but maybe they also need to satisfy the need for physical contact. Even day-to-day simple contact can be helpful such as a pat on the back, shaking hands, or giving a high 5 are all ways of meeting the need for physical touch. Always remember to check-in and ask for permission first.
Non-sexual physical touch is important to us as humans. We often do not notice when we start to droop from the lack of physical touch and may not fully understand the link between our mental and physical well-being and physical touch. I encourage you to check in with your body and if needed make a plan to provide yourself with some physical touch.
-Have a great week,
Penney