Ep. 37 Relationship Check-Ins That Work: From Autopilot to Intentional Connection
Join Janae and Penney in this episode of 'Untangling Relationships' as they explore the importance of regular relationship check-ins. They discuss how over time, relationships can grow distant as daily demands and other responsibilities take precedence. This episode provides a detailed approach to conducting monthly relationship check-ins, focusing on maintaining intimacy and trust. Key topics include the effects of autopilot mode on relationships, the importance of appreciation and support, and strategies for overcoming conflict. Practical questions and tips for enhancing connection are shared to help couples navigate their relationship journeys.
Relationship Check-in Questions:
1- What ways have you felt appreciated in the past month? Is there a way I can improve in showing appreciation in the coming month
2- Are there any conflicts or concerns we have not addressed in the past month you want to address?
3- How has the level of intimacy been in the past month? Do you need to make any changes
4- How have you felt supported in the past month? Is there anything I can do to show more support?
Episode Timestamps
00:00 Introduction to Untangling Relationships
00:20 The Importance of Relationship Check-Ins
00:39 Challenges in Maintaining Relationships
01:05 Impact of Daily Life on Relationships
02:35 Autopilot Mode in Relationships
03:33 Technology's Role in Relationship Dynamics
05:26 Building and Eroding Trust
06:44 Feeling Unappreciated and Resentment
10:29 New Ventures and Infidelity Risks
12:11 Setting Aside Time for Relationship Check-Ins
16:42 Monthly Relationship Check-In Questions
20:47 Understanding Conflict from Your Partner's Perspective
21:04 The Importance of Vulnerability and Apology
21:17 Effective Communication Techniques
23:01 The Role of Accountability in Conflict Resolution
26:46 Monthly Relationship Check-In Questions
30:24 Reflecting on Intimacy and Support
Relationship Check ins
Janae: [00:00:00] Welcome to untangling relationships, a conversation between a counselor and a yoga teacher, a gen X-er and a millennial and a mother and daughter. Join us as we explore the ins and outs of relationships with your host, Janae and Penney. Hello and welcome. Welcome to another episode we are going to be doing. An episode about relationship check-ins today, , and kind of talking about the work that goes into maintaining your relationships. , so like a maintenance episode here.
Janae: yeah, well, we'll get started just with our regular questions and reflections.
Penney: Yeah, we've talked about this before. The idea that when we're first in a relationship, we spend a lot, a lot of time having conversations and really getting to know the person. And then over time. That really grows distance and we spend less time. Uh, we really spent a lot of time putting out fires and other areas focused on other relationships outside of that. romantic intimate partnership that we have with our partners.
Penney: , and [00:01:00] it impacts the relationships. It starts to feel lonely and distant.
Janae: Yeah. And I think that you can definitely feel when it stops being a priority or. I guess not even a priority, but it just. Everything else starts to get in the way. Yeah. Um, and so you might not consciously be putting it on the back burner, but that's kind of where it ends up.
Penney: Yeah. It's that? Well, I know they're always going to be there, especially if we have good amounts of like that trust and trustworthiness.
Penney: So we. We start to actually lose some trustworthiness, , knowing that that's like protecting the sacred in that. Not primary. , relationship comes first. It really starts to become not first. As, , demands of work, demands of children, demands of family, maybe aging parents. , or anything really can get in the way even household stuff.
Penney: I know that can definitely get in the way my house is theirs. , fires to put out and projects that need to be done and things that need to be wrapped up or even demands of extended family vacations and [00:02:00] weekends. And, , if you're in a divorced family situation, Um, which Janae can attest to that.
Penney: There's a lot of like his mom, his dad, my mom, my dad. And there's a lot of splitting of families. You have to spend time with the can really start to impact your relationship.
Janae: Yeah, we definitely have to make conscious decisions about. Wa where our time has going and what we're doing with it. So.
Janae: So we will hop into our first question, um, here or reflection here. Um, we have the. Or Penneywise and you go ahead. Since you wrote them.
Penney: I kind of already. You stated this when I jumped into it, without saying we were jumping into it, um, it's that this, the relationships get put on autopilot where we do the same thing over and over again.
Penney: I know, depending on schedules. Um, in my relationship, there may be times I don't see my partner at all because he's asleep when I get home and he's um, and I leave in the morning before he gets up. More vice versa. And that really can create distance, especially if there's [00:03:00] weekend plans and things that you really don't want to spend time together.
Penney: So really distance can start and just grow over time. As you do a lot of things separate, or you're not really conscious, or mindful of the time that you spend with your partner, you might be surprised. But how much that's changed and how much time we really do talk to them. It'd be interesting to play with that.
Penney: And like write down, we spent this much time in conversation or this much time and engaging each other, not just around. Putting out fires, household tasks, kids tasks, money tasks. Work tasks, but really on couple tasks.
Janae: Yeah. And we've talked about this on some of our social media reels that we've done before, but another thing that gets in the way and kind of puts things on autopilot is, um, using technology in the home.
Janae: And so. I have noticed that in my relationship too, of, um, you know, we might not have any plans. We might be at home, but we're not spending a lot of time connecting with each other because we're both. [00:04:00] Either doing our own projects at home, or we're both, , watching different things or, um, I reading and he's playing a game or something like that.
Janae: And I think that you can do those things and have it be. A connecting experience, but you just have to be more conscious about how you're doing it. So like, for example, on Sunday night, my partner was like, you know, I was getting ready to sit down and read my book for the evening. And he was like, where are you going to be?
Janae: Because I want to be near you, but I want to play my game for a little bit before I go to bed. And so I was like, oh, well, where do you want to be? And so then we both ended up in the living room. Next to each other. So we're getting a little bit of physical touch, even though we're both doing separate things. We weren't necessarily engaging in conversation or connecting in that way, but there was still a conscious effort to be made. Of like, We're still going to try and be near each other or be around each other. Um, And if he hadn't said that I would have probably read my book in our bed, in the bedroom and he would have been out in the living room and we would have [00:05:00] spent that hour not connecting at all. Yeah.
Janae: So I think it's just, um, The autopilot. You can get out of that auto pilot just by finding. Little pieces here and there of. Is there a way to change this behavior? Change our plans. To make them just a little bit more inclusive towards each other. Um, and another thing that came up for me when you were talking about that. The trust building trust. Um, It's interesting how we spend a lot of time at the beginning of the relationship, truly trying to build that trust up, but then we get comfortable in that trust.
Janae: And then. We let it and then it erodes and we let it go by the wayside. Um, and then it can almost feel like a weird. Betrayal almost when you try and step back into those trust spaces and that trust is gone and it can feel really disorienting when you're like, oh, what happened? Like. Maybe nothing big happened to [00:06:00] erode, that trust.
Janae: Um, but just, it happened slowly over time without you even realizing it. Um, and so I think it's funny that I'm sure there's a lot of things in life that reflect that of like, you feel like it's solid. So you turn your. Attention towards other things. And then by the time you're turned back, it's, it's not solid anymore.
Penney: Yeah. It's painful.
Penney: It really, if you think about every time your partner chooses Facebook or Instagram or time with other people or a movie or whatever over you. Um, those hurt those feel like tiny betrayals and messages about how important the relationship is to them. And that definitely builds up in resentment over time.
Penney: Yeah. So number two, we often underestimate the amount of, um, the amount that our partners see and appreciate us unless we hear it. Um, we start to think we're alone. Um, our victories, our S uh, sacrifices go and noticed in the day of the day-to-day business of being in a [00:07:00] relationship. I think this is so true.
Penney: If we're not having those connected conversations. Uh, we don't know that our partner sees this and appreciates us. We really start to get in our own narrative and our own view about, they don't even know what I do. They don't even know that I, I cleaned off the counter and did their dinner dishes, or they didn't even notice that I did the laundry or change the sheets because you're not talking, you're not connecting and it can start to feel very lonely.
Penney: And again, that resentment builds up when we really, we don't talk about it, but if we bring it up and we're having conversations around, you know, I appreciate you. I see you. Uh, we really know that our partner does see us and recognize the sacredness of the relationship.
Janae: I think that this comes up a lot for new parents, um, with all the extra tasks that come from. Um, childcare. And you can both really end up on opposite sides of schedules or tasks like you naturally divide tasks, or maybe you talked about it and divided your [00:08:00] tasks. Um, but then it just becomes an assumed thing of like, well, that's their thing.
Janae: So they should be doing it. Um, but there. There can still be conversations and appreciations around like, Hey, I'm noticing. You're doing amazing at this, or I really appreciate you taking care of this and yeah. When, when you're not being conscious of it, it's really hard to do those things.
Penney: And we start to feel like we're alone.
Penney: I agree. I mean, we know in your parenting that marital satisfaction really dips during those first five years. And so it's so important to work on that, but I also think not just around parenting, but you start a new job or your job role changes and more focus and attention gets put towards that. Or you buy a. A new house and you're moving and you're putting things together or you start something new in the yard or you start a new project, or, I mean, just think about all the things that really pull attention away and anything new is going to pull an extra amount of attention away from the relationship.
Penney: And if we're not doing these check-ins that we're talking with our [00:09:00] partner and really exploring our world in our day. And how are you feeling in the relationship and how are you feeling about the relationship and where do you need more time? Or do you want more time? It really does start to feel like we're lone wolves and our partners doing their thing, and we're doing our thing.
Penney: And. They're not understanding what we're going through and the stress that we're under, because that's what we're sucked into. And it really becomes less of a partnership and more of a solo adventure.
Janae: Yeah. I think that the phrase that comes to mind when you describe that as feeling taken for granted of. Like the relationship gets taken for granted. Like, well, let's just assume that we're going to be together. Um, without necessarily the maintenance or work that goes into keeping that, or it's just assumed that you're going to do certain tasks without, um, Appreciation or checking in whether that needs adjusting.
Janae: Um, we've worked with a lot of couples in the past where we do the division of labor exercises and the mental load exercises. And, you know, they start talking about it and it's [00:10:00] like, oh, well, I thought you were okay with that. Or I thought that you liked that chore. And then they're like, no, I never wanted that.
Janae: I didn't want that. It's just how it. Ended up happening. And so unless you're consciously trying to have conversations about these topics, like things can just fall into place and then there's no check or balance to. Um, to do a check in around whether that's actually what you both wanted.
Penney: Yeah. I think it's important to note here.
Penney: Um, just kind of as a, um, Maybe a warning that really, when we do start down this path, especially if it's a new work adventure or a new adventure that involves other people, this is where infidelity can become a really big red flag. Because if we start to feel like we're spending more time with a new person and this new person, let's say it's a business thing, you're starting a new business, or you have a new. Um, role and you have a partner in the business that is doing things with you.
Penney: You start to share more things with that person. You know, this is what's [00:11:00] happening. Here's the next steps. How is this going? And we're doing a lot more check-in with them, or we're feeling more distant from our partner because our partner is not asking those questions and not involved, and we're not involving them. Um, that really, we can step into that comparison of all this person sees the struggle that I'm going through in there. Uh, asking me how I'm doing and they really see that I'm struggling or I'm striving, or I'm pushing hard in this new venture.
Penney: And my partner's not, we're going to start to make that comparison. And then the new shiny thing is going to look a lot better than the old thing. That doesn't check in and know who we are. Yeah, it can start to cause a divide. Definitely.
Janae: Yeah. And, uh, you know, another thing about this that leads towards that infidelity is that eroding of trust.
Janae: Yeah. So it's, uh, yeah, all around. Not good.
Penney: Sure because trust is, I know you have my back and if I'm starting something new and I don't feel like my partner cares or sees, I don't trust them to have my back and be that for me. Cause they really don't care and vice versa. The partner's feeling the same thing on the other end of. You know, [00:12:00] you're doing this new thing and you don't trust me enough to be a part of it or want to include me. Um, to have those conversations. Yeah.
Janae: Yeah, it definitely goes both ways. Yeah.
Janae: All right. Our last one here is, um, it's important to set aside, time to check in around big questions and ensure that plans are being followed through. And we're being mindful of the relationship and our partner. So. I think that. The biggest thing that we always try and have couples do the last day of retreat, or if we're doing a workshop with them or online course is. Put it in your calendar. Yeah, set aside actual time.
Janae: Don't just say, oh yeah, we're going to do that because you won't, it's a, it's just how you do anything. Habit creation. Like maybe if you've been doing your check-ins for. A whole year or several years, you maybe don't need calendar reminders anymore, but until [00:13:00] you've done it over and over and over again, and have those habits built up, you're not going to.
Penney: Um, I think it's also easy to accidentally on purpose or not right.
Penney: Forget about it because you're going to ask the hard questions during the check-in and you're really going to. a dig into what's going well and what's not going well. And we avoid those in relationships. So we know because of those perpetual issues that continue to come up. That there's some avoidance around stepping into those because of fear around stepping into those, this is that practice makes perfect using skills.
Penney: And if it's on the calendar, you agree to do it. We're going back to that building trust and trustworthiness. Right? I know you're going to show up for the relationship. And I know you care enough about how I'm doing to want to check in on the relationship. So definitely a trust building exercise.
Janae: Yeah, it's interesting.
Janae: The dynamics that come up when you're in that limbo period of, are we going to follow the plan or are we not going to follow the plan? And I think that there's a few dynamics and can pop up, you could have one partner [00:14:00] that's kind of waiting for you to bring it up as proof. That you care that you care. Always
Penney: I hear couples bring that all the time, I'm always the one that bring it up.
Penney: So I didn't, and I knew you wouldn't and you didn't cause you don't really care. Yup. Yup.
Janae: Yup. I think that's a common dynamic and then there's other, the avoidance one that you're talking about of, well, I'm just going to wait until they bring it up. And then if they don't like, oh, then we don't have to do it. Um, and you don't have to step into that vulnerable space or you. You don't have to, um, yeah.
Janae: Talk about things that maybe feel scary. Um, and it kind of reminds me of like, when you were a child and your parent was like, okay, After this show, it's time to start getting ready for bed. And then the show ends and the kids like frozen. They're like, if I don't move, if I don't say anything, maybe they'll forget that we made that agreement out of sight out of mind. Yeah.
Janae: And I think that, um, that's a similar dynamic that can happen with that. So, If you are. [00:15:00] Putting it in your calendar. Make sure you show up. Because, yeah, like Penney said, it is a way of building trust. For both of you, I think for the person that maybe falls into the dynamic of, I'm just going to freeze and hold and wait for them to bring it up.
Janae: It builds trust in yourself and in the relationship in your ability to have those big conversations and have them go okay. And it sends that message to your nervous system. We can step into these conversations and we survive and we're fine. And say, and it's a safe, and that partnership can become a safe place to have those kinds of conversations.
Janae: And if you don't practice that for these little things, when bigger things come up. Your body, your nervous system, your mind doesn't have that feeling of this is a safe person that I can bring these issues up with. Um, and so it's important to practice them on these more mundane or smaller things so that when you get to the bigger things, those muscles are already developed.
Janae: Yeah. And then for the person that is maybe like the [00:16:00] holdout of I'm going to wait until. Until they do it until they do it. Uh, it builds trust that, um, that maybe even if they're leading a few of the times, A lot of these conversations that you'll be stepping into have areas that you can bring up issues.
Janae: So that could be something that you just bring up instead of letting it be a passive aggressive thing. Um, because we know if nothing changes, nothing changes. So unless you're verbally saying, Hey, this is frustrating me. I need you to be the one next time we do this to bring it up and to step into at first. And then your partner knows.
Janae: Yeah. But it's not going to change unless you communicate it to them. So. Helpful all the way around.
Penney: Yeah. So tips. Um, this is really, we're going to step into what the relationship, uh, check-in looks like, what questions we're going to ask. Um, during this monthly relationship, check-in that we're going to put together. So the first one first question that you're going to ask, um, your partner, as you step into this check-in is, uh, [00:17:00] what ways have you felt appreciated in the past month?
Janae: Yeah. And if you're somewhere that you have access to like writing. You might be writing this down and we're going to put it in the show notes, but these are the genuine things that every month you can ask each other as your check-in. So yeah. What ways have you felt appreciated in the past month? And also, is there any way that you can, I can, so you would be saying this to your partner.
Janae: Is there any way that I can improve I'm showing appreciation to you and then in the coming month? Um, I think we've talked about this on the podcast before, but it's really funny how many couples come in and they have something. The thing that they're like, oh yeah, I show you appreciation through this and this.
Janae: And then the other partners, like those don't make me feel appreciated that doesn't work. Yeah. That's I appreciate the effort, but that's not exactly what I want or need. Um, and so having this conversation is helpful and also you might have [00:18:00] done, if you've come on retreat with us or done our couples course, you might have already done the culture of appreciation exercise.
Janae: So maybe you've had this conversation before. But we're changing people. We're always evolving. So maybe what you put in your plan when you made it. Isn't accurate anymore. So checking in, is there ways for the next month that you maybe want something different? It needs to be
Penney: tweaked maybe. Yeah, we wanted sticky notes of, uh, I care about you and you need more of them or less of them, or. You need it to look different.
Penney: This is a good way to do that. You know, just how can I improve? Yeah. Small changes. I like that. All right. Number two. Are there any conflicts or concerns we have not addressed in the past month that you would like to address? This is important because we talk all the time about the body's building up, right.
Penney: That we have conflict after conflict. Conflict. And they really do build up over time. And if we can take care of a monthly, how fantastic that you can pull out your aftermath of a fight or your, um, the three skills of an intimate [00:19:00] conversation or the, um, we use that in our course as the, like a conversation roadmaps.
Penney: So it looks a little bit different. Um, or we did something new on retreat this year. So there's lots of different ways to be able to step into this conflict conversation, but you need to have them, you need to say, has there been conflict. Or concerns that we haven't talked about and let's talk about them now. Uh, let's make repairs let's move past them.
Penney: So they, we don't have even more of a built up.
Janae: And I love this because there's a lot of times that something will come up in the moment between my partner and I, and it's like, okay, this is not the time to address this. I know it's not a good time for me. I know. Maybe it's not a good time for them. And so what I'll do is like, oh yeah, I'll talk to him about that later.
Janae: And then later never comes and it does just build up and it might be small. Annoyances or small hurts or things that it's like, well, it's fine if we don't necessarily bring that up, but they do build.
Penney: Yeah. And then we kitchen sink it. Right. Then it's like everything and the [00:20:00] kitchen sink that. Next time we get in a fight. It becomes all the things.
Janae: Yeah. Yeah. You're reaching into the past of every single thing that you haven't resolved or talked about and we're going, it all comes back up. Yeah. Yeah. So. Asking. Are there any concerns? Let's talk about it. Um, Penney for anyone who hasn't come on retreat with us, or doesn't maybe have one of those written skills to practice with what are maybe the top two or three things that you would say. They need to talk about or work through during that hard conversation.
Penney: Well, in order to have a really good conversation, first, we have to, I mean, it's really understanding perspective. Um, what feelings came up for you? What was the story? Brene Brown talks about the story that I'm telling myself is that's a good way to do it. Uh, so the story I'm telling myself about this conflict is from your perspective fully, how you see it. Um, and then these were things that really got in the way for me or were vulnerabilities.
Penney: It could be something from the [00:21:00] past. It could be something from like, I was feeling tired or frustrated or whatever. Um, what are the vulnerabilities? And then an honest apology. Uh, where you get to own your part. I did this, um, I'm sorry for this part of it. And here's what I'm going to do different in the future.
Janae: Um,
Penney: I love that.
Janae: So perfect. Uh, so perspective taking. Um, sharing your perspective, and this is one at a time. So you're splitting into speaker listener roles.
Janae: So whoever's, the speaker will be sharing their perspective. Whoever is the listener will be listening and reflecting back what they're hearing. Um, if you're sharing your perspective or, and I try really hard not to use. I yous or you statements cause that can come off as criticism and blame and a way you can think about that could be like you're a tour guide or you are, um, a reporter as. You know, you're just giving the facts about what happened to you or what's happening in your country or your [00:22:00] neighborhood as a tour guide. Um, and so then you're moving into that. Here's what led up to it.
Janae: This is not a place where we're going to delve into excuses. But how many times have you. Skipped that yeah. Piece. And you go straight to an apology, but then it feels like your partner didn't really understand why or what happened. Um, and it makes it harder to step into that apology because you need your side to be fully heard before you can really. Resolve understanding, proceeds everything.
Janae: So you want to feel fully understood of like, Hey, guess what? I'm not a jerk. Okay. I didn't just do this to be a jerk or whatever. That's kind of the, the example that's coming up for me is like, I don't want my partner to think that I did this maliciously or that I am a jerk. Like there were other proceeding factors that maybe led into this, that it would be helpful for them to know whether it's to prevent it in the future or to just get more understanding like Penney said.
Janae: [00:23:00] So we're going to share that. And then lastly, that accountability piece. So huge. So huge. And saying that it's two steps to that accountability of saying. Here's what I did wrong. And apologizing, like, I'm sorry, how this hurt you or hurt our relationship. And the second step is here's what I'm going to do different next time.
Janae: No. So an action piece to close it off. Um, so those are your steps. So if you. Have that conflict conversation or a concern. You're going to take turns and then you switch roles. Then the other person gets to talk through how it was from their perspective. Even if it seems like this was something that it was one sided or one person did, it needs to take ownership. You need to switch roles and both do it. So both of you under,
Penney: so you feel understood. Double sides of that.
Penney: Also remember as you're giving your story or your perspective or your apology during every step of this. Do one or two sentences and then pause and let your partner mirror back. Um, and I say mirror [00:24:00] because it isn't, uh, it isn't that you don't want to validate your partner, but when you're in a conversation like this, the most important thing is for your partner to feel seen and heard.
Penney: And the way you do that is by giving back their own words. Exactly. As they say them don't change them. Don't get fancy with them. Don't reinvent the wheel. Just give it back. Just like they had said it to you.
Janae: Yeah, let's actually role play that out Penney so that people can hear and feel the difference.
Janae: So I'm going to let you be the speaker. I'm going to be the listener and I'm going to first, not mirror. And then second, I'm going to mirror back what she says. So we're doing the, you want to do the whole conflict conversation. Just one sentence, just a sentence.
Penney: Okay. So a sentence could be, I felt really triggered. Um, I felt really triggered by the music that was playing in the car, which brought up emotions for me.
Janae: Okay.
Janae: So you didn't like the music that I was playing in the car and it made you feel angry?
Penney: Cause so I would immediately say no, that's not what I said. It isn't that I didn't like the music in the [00:25:00] car and it didn't make me angry. See how that can take you down totally into the weeds, right? Yeah.
Janae: And then it can be like nothing I ever say work. Sorry, I'm just thinking about station.
Janae: Exactly. So go ahead and do it again. And we'll reflect the right way
Penney: of the music that was playing in the car, reminded me of something painful and it really triggered me. So, what I'm hearing you say is the music in the
Janae: car. Say it again, the music that was playing in the car reminded me of something painful and it really triggered me.
Janae: So the music in the car reminded you of something painful and it really triggered you. Yes, it did.
Penney: And you, and so we do a lot of the, so what I'm hearing you say, you don't have to do that. It really flows better if you just say so the music in the car. Brought up something painful and really triggered you.
Penney: Yes. So you don't have to do the beginning part. You just do the, so you can make that so much shorter and it flows a lot better.
Janae: I know you don't like that, but when me and Brooklyn do. We always say that it just feels more validating to me. So maybe you could pick and choose. Yeah. For Penney, it's important to have [00:26:00] more flow for me, it just feels more validating and, and it's a trigger, like a cue of like, I'm reflecting now.
Janae: Gotcha. So, um, yeah, you can try it both ways. Um, but yeah, so you can see how that reflection piece is important. And you notice that I asked her to repeat it, so, which is okay. Which is okay. And also it helped me because I realized the first time I was listening through, I didn't hear that piece of that.
Janae: It was, um, it reminded you of something painful of the past. Um, and so. Recognizing that sometimes when you're listening, there's a lot coming at you and it's okay to ask for things to be repeated or to take notes. Yep. So repeat exactly back what you can when you're reflecting. Yup. All right. The next question. The
Penney: next thing that you're going to ask is how has the level of intimacy been in the past month? I like this one, again, talking about emotional intimacy, physical intimacy or intercourse, but really asking.
Penney: Has it been good? Has it [00:27:00] not been good? Has it been enough? Um, if you've been on retreat with us or work with me, and I've assigned you to do your sex date, you're doing this. Check-in hopefully weekly, but it's also good to ask. Has there been enough? Do we need more? Is once a week, not enough. Do you need more physical touch?
Penney: Do you need more? Um, emotional intimacy that we're talking more to each other about emotional check-ins. Um, so this is a good question we have to ask.
Janae: Yeah. And don't let this be like a has. sex good for you this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then move on. That's not what this is. Don't do that.
Penney: But also remember we get more. We want, if we, um, talk about what our partner does.
Penney: Well, so this for me, this could look a lot, like if you were to ask that question, right? Like, has sex been good for you? Um, that's different than intimacy also just pointing that out, but you can say, oh yeah. You know, on Wednesday when we did it on the counter, that was fantastic. I would really like it.
Penney: If we could do more of that. Or, um, yeah, I loved that. We did that and it was so spontaneous. Could we do it like three times next week? That's a lot better than no, we only did it once and it [00:28:00] wasn't great. Right. Like just making sure we're really talking about what we want more of. So we get more of it.
Penney: It's a good way to phrase this one in the response to that. So it feels building instead of shaming.
Janae: Yeah. So if you're having this conversation lead with what you want more of, and you can break it up into, how has your emotional intimacy feeling like, are you feeling emotionally connected to each other?
Janae: Has your intimacy feeling. Um, like. Physical and physical connection, then also intercourse. They can all be three separate things. And they all lead and go play into each other, but it might be helpful to separate them into those three things so that you're not missing any pieces.
Penney: And then the dune, do we need to make any changes really coming up that from a place of, you know, appreciated that we did this, and this was really fantastic.
Penney: I want more of it. Even if it was like, uh, you know, six months ago when, when we did these things, that was the perfect month for me. Do you think we could try and make next month look like that month? Because these were the [00:29:00] things I've really liked anything you can pull in. It's a positive. Uh, really makes it easier to get more of that.
Janae: Yeah, and I think it makes it easier to get more of, because you are giving your partner something too. Use as a roadmap, like uses a map of like, oh, okay.
Penney: Well, this is what I did it right.
Janae: Yeah. When I think back to six months ago, We were doing this, or I did this specific thing. Or there was just this general vibe and okay.
Janae: I can map that or, or continue to do that in the future. Whereas if you said. I really don't like how it's gone this month, that doesn't give your partner anything to go off of, um, or to map kind of what you want. Um, And it can also bring up feelings of shame and criticism. So we had to be really careful, especially around sex and enemies. Intimacy conversations that we're not stepping into any kind of blame or criticism and defensiveness.
Penney: That's where we would end up in defensiveness around that of like, Well, I did my best or I tried really hard [00:30:00] versus, uh, okay. So I know I can do it. I have done it and I get what you want. And I can do that again. And also the conversation around, like, do you want to make any changes if you've already talked about the positive things? It becomes a conversation around.
Penney: Okay. So what did we do that month that we didn't do this month? Can we talk about what was good about that? So I really know what you want and spell it out. More positive conversation. Yeah. I love that. All right. How have you felt supported in the past month? Again, we're looking for the positives. Um, what were the things that your partner did really well?
Penney: Were the things you appreciated about support? Um, and then is there anything I can do to show more support? Yeah. I felt supported in when you did the grocery shopping and made dinner twice, uh, you know that two times during the month, and if you could do more of that to show me more support around my new business venture, that would be really helpful because I so appreciate it.
Penney: When you see how overwhelmed I am, and you can see that I need that extra support that makes me feel cared for. Um, that's a different conversation then? Um, [00:31:00] no, I didn't feel supported at all. You did terrible. Right. We're going to seven defensiveness and that's definitely a criticism versus a positive way to come at that where your partner feels successful and like they've done well. And you can build on success.
Janae: And notice how we're structuring these questions.
Janae: It's not, have you felt supported it's how have you felt supported in the past month? So we're already setting you up to describe the positive positives, a little things. And I know in some phases of relationships, it can be really hard to think of positive things. But just any small thing. So lead with that.
Janae: Got to retrain
Penney: your brain to look for the positive.
Penney: So we don't get stuck in that negative sentiment override that we think everything our partner does is to hurt us or harm us, but really look for the positives. Look for the good things. And the relationship check-in is all about being able to focus on good things that have happened. And how do we build on those?
Penney: So always wanting to build on positives and point out positives.
Janae: Yeah. And I like that. This allows [00:32:00] for another moment of that reflecting, listen and mirror back. So you can be doing that in this question as well, really? On every quality's question. Do
Penney: you need to be doing it on every question.
Janae: So take turns each of you answering and each of you playing, um, the listener role and mirroring back what you're hearing. So again, you might be taking notes for this, um, or slowing things down and talking through them. So. All right. So those are the questions to ask for your monthly check-in.
Janae: Um, again, I will be sure to put those in the show notes for this episode. And, , we wish you a lot of luck implementing those.
Penney: Put on your calendar, got it scheduled out. And that can be our challenge for the, for the next month. Is the, did we do this? Did we not?
Janae: Yeah. All right. You ready to spin the wheel?
Janae: Yeah.
Penney: I got an odd. The odd question is what do you notice in your [00:33:00] body and emotions when you feel distant in your relationship? Um, I think we've talked a little bit about attachment styles. I am definitely an avoidant, more dismissive attachment style. So I have to start to really pull away as soon as I start to feel that trust or that bond or road. I don't just like step back a little bit.
Penney: I go to like the other side of the world. And just really take care of myself and my own needs and really pull into myself. So I definitely notice a closing off of my emotions of closing off of my body of intimacy, of touch of connection of eye contact. Um, uh, I really, I create I'd take maybe like an inch and make it a chasm.
Janae: Hmm.
Penney: Yeah.
Janae: Yeah, that makes sense. All right.
Janae: All right.
Janae: We got in even. So what do you notice in your body when you feel connected to others, and secure in your relationships? Um, I think there's a feeling of safety and security. That I feel. [00:34:00] And I definitely noticed that it's a lot easier to regulate emotions, so things might come up or, um, you know, there might be issues that come up, but it feels a lot easier and well-managed. Um, I also think that it's easier to not feel isolated or have those feelings of loneliness come up when you're in that connected space. Um, I also think that. Or know that there's a lot of, um, What's the word I'm looking for, like somatic symptoms for, for loneliness or for when you're feeling disconnected.
Janae: There's a lot of extra attention that you feel in your body or. Um, when you're in those disconnected states, you have a higher likeliness of. Um, headaches or there might be more cortisone and adrenaline being released because you're in those bottom parts of your ladder and your [00:35:00] nervous system. And so you might be feeling more pulled towards. Um, oversleeping or overeating or eating things that aren't well-balanced and keeping you feeling well in your body, or there might be a pull towards numbing out, um, with substances or social media.
Janae: And so recognizing that. You might be in that state is helpful. And then you can really see the opposite when you are in those connected spaces. And you can be more regulated with your, with your nervous system. Yeah. So. All right. Um, so closing out our episode here, as Penney said, our weekly challenge this week is going to be to put this on the calendar. Um, Make. Makes the date set a time. Um, probably give yourself at least an hour to have this conversation. Um, and.
Janae: Um, make sure that it's maybe a time that you can. [00:36:00] Really only focus on each other.
Penney: They're like a business meeting, come with pen and paper. Sit down in a place where you're not going to be distracted. Um, show your partner that you're building that trustworthiness, that the relationship matters to you.
Penney: That it's number one to you, and you're coming fully into this conversation because you care enough about them to want to make sure the relationship is going well. Yeah.
Janae: Yup. And then at the end of your check-in. Schedule your next one.
Penney: Also a, just a, if this gets derailed somewhere along the way, maybe you step into conflicts or concerns and things go completely sideways.
Penney: Set aside a time to try again. Don't just say, well, it didn't work. We're not doing it again. But come back together with, I think this is maybe what went really well that we started with and here's areas I think we could improve and then move forward. Don't just give up on it because it doesn't work the first time.
Penney: And most of the time when we're trying something new, it may not go perfect. The first time. Expected, but don't give up on it. Keep trying.
Janae: Yeah. If see, if things go sideways, use your [00:37:00] emotional regulation, your flooding plan. And then come back when you're ready. Or another train schedule. And speak,
Penney: whatever it is, schedule it out, figure it out.
Janae: Yep.
Penney: Yup.
Janae: Alright, good luck with your monthly check-in Penney.
Janae: And I will also be doing. Our monthly check-in, we're going to be setting it on our calendars with our own separate partners. I mean, we could do a check-in with each other, but. Um, but we're going to do it with our partners and we'll be reporting back how that went with us and we'll have our own reflections and thoughts around how it went.
Janae: So we're going to work excited to share that with you and we will catch you in our next episode.
Penney: Absolutely. Have a good day. Bye.
